Just a short update: The work was still not done to open my case. And answers seem to be vague as to why. I asked to speak to the Judge and told him what the county here was saying. So, the Judge is issuing an “Order” that my medical be opened back up and my benefits restored. The order will be done on Friday and the ones across the mountain have til the next friday to state any complaints. He told them he did not expect any complaints.
This was a long session…an hour as the judge put a call into the county here to speak to them as I told them what they were saying which is in contradiction to what the ones across the mountain are saying. So, I think he sees now. It drained me…but at least this dream is coming true as far as the medical.
My lawyer just sort of sat there and that is why I spoke up and told him what was going on. Now I can laugh at interrupting the lawyer and saying ”can I say something please” but, at the time, I was petrified LOL.
So, one dream working out. I still wish they would get sanctioned or something.
Yesterday and today have been this and that days.I had a doctor appointment only to learn I have a severe deficiency in Vitamin D and have to take 51,000 IU of it to see if that will fix it. The good news is that it explained a lot of things going on like the higher pain level, the bone pain, shakes, etc. Is always nice to know why you ae feeling something. Unfortunately, most doctors today do not take the time. This has been going on for a while. So, if it helps all the nites I have been up with severe bone wrenching pain in my legs…bring it on.
Son worked on he steps off the back porch yesterday and got it fixed some but has gone to pick up more blocks. This way Jack and I both can get out in the yard easier. He is going to make it go out straight more and then turn and go down so maneuvering on crutches will be easier and easier for Jack.
And while I was outside, I checked on our green beans. These are some of my heirloom seeds and are called “lazy housewife green beans”. I love it. You plant them and let them grow on the fence. Makes picking them easier. They are growing. And my red pepper plant has blooms.
And Jack who is patrolling inside the small fenced in area. We have not even touched outside of this little penned in area. Oops, I think I need to feed my birds.
And spirit clouds, lots of them.
And of course, my mountains. I love looking at them. They are so different in places than the Smokey Mountains…..stark bare and full of history.
Son has been a volunteer fire fighter and collects fire fighting memorabilia. We found several pieces and they are on the top shelf along with ….yes, lava lamps. Eclectic us. LOL
And the old church music box that was always put out at Christmas time when I was little.
Our lives are filled with memories…some good, some bad, some blah, some humorous…but all part of what makes us who we are. I think sometimes we hide from memories for they make us feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we just have to recognize that is the feeling and say…you know..it is not a good one. But everything does not have to be haha funny funny and all cheerful. Life is a mixture.
So here is a fun memory. See this picture?
This is a piece of carnival glass. So, lets take a sensory walk. Think of the carnivals of your youth. Remember the smells…the sausage cooking, the cotton candy, the candied apples, hamburgers.,…all those wonderful smells.
Ok, now do you remember the dishes game, where you tossed coins at dishes and if it stayed on one, you won it. I have sauces and bowls I won that way. I don’t remember what game this little lantern came from but the memory it evokes.
Remember the rides and the sound of children squealing? I can close my eyes and picture walking through the carnival, smelling all the different good yummy smells, and playing the games, riding the rides and just watching people having good, old-fashioned fun. Memories…I love them.
and here I am…a little big country and a little rock and roll and a lot eclectic. hahaha
It is amazing as we open boxes, all the treasures we have not seen in two years. It is like Christmas each time.
This is my grandmother’s painting. She did china painting and painted a lot of beautiful pieces. That and sewing were the things taught to young girls back in my grandmother’s day. This is the piece we were given.
My grandmother’s china
An 1895 Print..not a copy ….found at an estate sale and loved the unusual look to it. I have never seen this picture before
And this is a true picture of the actual one in Rome, which has been venerated, and this picture has been “touched” to the one in Rome. Some cared an awfully lot to carry this picture to the Rome picture.
My grandmother’s trunk
The bell my mother summoned us to the house with. They all have different sounding bells up and down the street.
The wooden Post top of Mary and Jesus that came from an old monastery overseas. (no I did not steal it..LOL…bought it where the monastery was selling to redo thing. So beautifully carved.
And another Monastery treasure from Russia. I love this egg. ( I did warn you that we are eclectic in our house and life. LOL)
And while still with the Russian egg, here are the hat pins from Russia that son collected with his WWII stuff that he collects.
Son’s baby shoes and the picture of generations
And my fav. An old paper weight. Love what it says.
And that is just a few of the many treasures we are finding. It is like going to a flea market every day and seeing treasures only we don’t have to buy these. LOL As you can see…we are very eclectic and loving it.
This is a video I saw this morning. It is about a dog with no eyes. Many people would just give up with that kind of disability. Watch Riddle…nothing stops him. There is more to us than just the label of disabled.
Created by hullshaven
I remember my roommate of some years back. We were both disabled and yet so different. She worried so what others thought of how she “looked”, refused to ride in her electric chair and wanted to be pushed. She literally wallowed in her disabilities. She used her disabilities as excuses not to do things or why she acted like she did.
And then there was me. My sons told me they had never seen anyone do like I did with a power chair….that it literally became part of me. They saw me use it as my back hoe. I would hold the snow shovel between my legs and rake with my little rake mulch, etc up on it and back up across the yard and then go forward and dump it. They saw me put my seat belt on and go flying down the road and around in circles….much like Riddle in the video.
There is more to me than the label “disabled”. There is more to me than being someone who has trouble walking or who is in chronic pain. Inside is this woman who dances across rooms, who runs in the breeze, who swings my grand baby around. I am alive…I am smart…I have talents…I have feelings…I laugh…I cry….I play tricks…I work on projects most people would not….I even mud sheet rock. I have just learned a different way to do things.
So, what makes us different? Different personalities I guess. Some of us never give up. Some of us don’t quit and some of us just don’t want to have to depend on someone for everything. I may have to one day and then I will develop another attitude to handle that. For I want to fly with the eagles, dance with the wolves and I want to die with a smile on my face knowing I used up all that God has blessed me with.
People tend to judge others by how they look. Oh look ..a disabled person. Oh look, he or she wobbles when they walk. Oh look, they are bald. Oh look, they are fat or skinny. And they never look beyond that. There is so much more to people than that. We never take the time to ask ourselves..”wonder why she is bald?” and to discover..maybe she is going through chemo. Or why she or he can’t walk or talk right. There is more to us than the label.
I was a teacher and this is why I did not like labels on kids. I taught hyperactive kids, attention deficit kids, really bright kids, slower kids…but I did not want to know all those labels when I got to know that child for then it puts expectations on them. Same with disabled people. If you see us just as disabled…you think we can’t do. I hate for someone to take things out of my hands and “do it for me” cause I am not as fast as they want. I now look up and go ”it is my hands that don’t work well…not my brain. Now hand it back please.”
I wish all labels were banned. Now, if you want to put a price tag on me…put it for the price I think I am worth…LOL..and not what you think I am worth. I don’t let others diminish who I am. What someone else thinks is just an opinion…and you know what they say about opinions. Opinions are like rectums…everyone has one and some stink and some don’t. I prefer to make my own opinion and as long as I am happy with the person I am…then I am ok. So, no labels for me please.
This is what I love about animals. They don’t see you as disabled or ugly or fat or skinny or short or tall or any of those adjectives we humans like to use. They see into your heart and know whether you are good or not. That is more important to me than anything. And so, I shall continue to run and romp (even if it is in a scooter) and laugh and enjoy life and do all I can do and be all I can be..just like Riddle. And I shall continue to work my dreams until I get as many as possible to come true.
I was unpacking and came across the picture below and just sat and held it for a long time. It evokes a LOT of memories. My grandbaby drew this for me when my other son and I moved out here in 2006. I love the picture and I love what she wrote. Her version of “don’t forget us”. I still get teary when I read that. She was 6 years old. Now, she is 11 and a beautiful young lady who rides horses in the rodeo. I am so proud of her and of the father my son is.
Leaving my son and grandbaby were probably the hardest thing ever about moving out here. She was so little when we left. She was too young to understand that her Mimi moved because of her health and not because she was leaving her.
I wonder if you all think about the blessings you have instead of the ones you don’t have. I try to do that daily. I am thankful I can talk to her on the phone and my son and can even see them on skype. Oh my gosh, if it were in pioneer days, I would have to depend on mail that showed up every few months and no pictures. My heart aches enough for her now, but that would be torture. And yet, that is what our ancestors knew. We are spoiled with instant communication.
I think about our ancestors. It was nothing for families to come into America and then go in opposite directions looking for their land. Families may not see each other ever again, may not see them for years and years. I have felt that way with this move.
Sometimes we see grandchildren or loved ones every day. Sometimes people are lucky enough to see them once a week, once a month, even every few months. I have not seen mine in five years. Yes that is five years. I have missed her growing up, seen all the things she will do. My journey has been through pictures. I have watched my grandbaby grow up into a beautiful young lady through pictures. So, I identify very much with our ancestors who didn’t see loved ones for years.
And I have not seen my other son. I was not able to be there when he went through the hardship of finding the lesion in his brain and all the tests and worry and the feeling bad. And if you are a mother…you know the heart-rending pain that brought. But, I was able to text him daily and say “I love you son” over and over and over.
I love my godfather dearly and his Irish brogue and sense of humor. But he also tells me like it is and he told me to always remember that someone always has it worse than we do. On the days when it does not feel like it, when it feels like life could be no worse…someone is suffering even worse. It has helped me keep on course and not wallow in self-pity. And it has made me even more empathetic and sympathetic to others.
Life is not always fair. I remember once telling my godfather “why me?” and he looked at me and said “why not you? do you think someone else deserves to go through this more than you?” And I thought long and hard about that and realized that traumatic life events and happenings are not “personal”. No one picked me out to get cancer, no one picked another person out to lose a child or loved one, no one picked another person out to have their home burn, or lose their job. It just is.
But, in the words of my precious sweetpea, just always “remder” your loved ones. Don’t take them for granted, for one day they could be gone quicker than you can blink. No thing, no argument, no battle is worth losing time with your loved ones. When you stop and think …what if my loved one were gone tomorrow…suddenly all the trivial fighting seems just that…trivial. You don’t have to agree with them, be like them…just love them. Love “IN SPITE OF”…not “BECAUSE OF”.
I have always dreamed of a huge family and I have been blessed with family..and family of choice…those I adopted along the way. Maybe I have a “Walton’s gene” in my blood but I think if we went back to “family values” and loving each other..the world would be a better place.
So, dream of love and family and friends and those things that mean the most to you.
“Scars tell you where you’ve been.
They do not have to dictate where you are going.”
One can not go through life without scars. We receive them every day. Some are scrapes and skinned places, bruises and some are scars on the heart. We receive them and we give them.
I would bet many are saying ”I don’t give scars”. But we do. We give them by our actions and our words just as they are given to us. This realization has always made me very conscious of what I say to people.
Some of us may look like this because we have so many wounds:
And some of us look like this.
that we need the most healing time. It is when we need a friend or loved one with plenty of these, only the emotional kind of band aid:
a friend that just sits with us, or holds our hands, or lets us cry or just says “I am here”. I remember once a friend telling me as she cried on my shoulder…that a friend let you say the same things over and over until you got to the point you did not need to anymore.
When we lose someone, or we are hurt horribly, people usually do not want to hear it after the first couple of days. They send the signal that we should be “over it” and move on. Life does not work that way. Sometimes we need to talk about it until it loses the power on us and the potency and we are able to lay it on the table and say “ok I can deal with it now.
So, always remember…the scars are just a marker of where we have traveled in our lives. We are in charge of where we are going. It does not mean that what hurt us or wounded us no longer matters. It simply means that we no longer let it have control of our lives.
And that is my 2 cents for the day.
Woke up and could not sleep and so was mulling over old sayings that we grow up with. Isn’t it funny how different areas say different things.
I grew up with the saying ”actions always speak louder than words” and for those not from where I grew up….it means that you can say “I love you” all you want but if your actions don’t back it up, then the words are meaningless. If your actions don’t show love, it is like a glass of milk…you know if it is good from the taste of it.
I remember this one and learned this lesson the hard way a while back. “Hurt me once…shame on you. Hurt me twice…shame on me”. I never understood it until one day it hit like a light bulb going off. It meant I had to be in charge and when someone hurts me once, then I should be aware and know what the person is really like. Someone I know says “when a person shows you who they really are…believe them”. Same principle in my book.
Ok, how about this one? ”Got a hitch in my get along”….boy that is me lately. Moving is extremely painful. Son is having similar problems on a lower level. Pain comes from over use and like the quote above…hurt me once..shame on you …hurt me twice..shame on me..the same could be said of physical pain. If I know that something is going to cause me extreme pain..then I should back down a little.
And another…”boy he is a prickly pear today”. LOL means sweet with a sting…hahaha
One of my favorites since lying to me is a BIG no no is hilarious and sometimes I say it before I realize it. My sons knew that from the get go. I could come home from work and they would already be home from school and would meet me at the door and tell me “before so and so tells you…I did such and such”.
I figure why lie. A guy I dated would make up elaborate lies about what he was doing which only made him look more guilty than if he said “I ran into so and so and we stood there talking for an hour”. My theory…if you have to lie..then you must be doing something you shouldn’t.
I hate when people lie and I seem to be blessed/cursed with lie-dar and can usually tell. I may never say anything because I figure if someone is lying to me..then trust is gone…So, I just let them keep doing it until they have so much rope that one day it trips them up really bad and then they know I knew all along and that will hit them even harder. But back to my favorite expression…”you are lying out your ass cause your teeth know better”. Kinda self-explanatory huh. LOL
Another one…”you have the patience of a gnat”. Now unless you have lived where the gnats are, is hard to understand this one and how they swarm around your face and will get in your mouth if not careful. I hated those things. But, when someone is too impatient, that is what we would say when we lived in the south.
And last one for now, as my eyes are starting to droop. LOL How about this one…”You could feel the tension in the air so strong that you could cut it with a knife”. We tend to have some very descriptive sayings for life don’t we.
Over the past couple of years, I learned that when in doubt…ask. If it is not understanding what another person meant by their words, their actions..ask them. If someone hurts you…tell them. It may not get you the answer you want but it allows you to express your feelings.
For like Forest Gump says…”life is like a box of Choc o lots”….you never know what you get til you bite into one. Sometimes it is the perfect one and sometimes it is the yukkie one filled with whatever filling you can’t stand. LOL Sometimes it is something that is truly wonderful and sometimes it is what you least expected. But all is part of life. Hurts just help us to harden up so I am told. I used to be told I was too sensitive and needed to harden up. I disagree but I guess it happens anyway…from life. What ever.
Right now, I need to lay down and snuggle deep in the covers and see if I can sleep for I need to be up early. Son is headed to Pueblo to get a few groceries and Jack and I will be here by ourselves…”just piddling”….LOL.
I love this poem. I have tried to live by this all my life even in the hard times.
“I expect to pass through this world but once;
any good thing therefore that I can do, or any
kindness that I can show to any fellow-creature,
let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it,
for I shall not pass this way again.”
Times are hard for most people and survival is what is key. Survival is one thing my sons and I all are good at. We learned how to survive when they were five and 8 and I was a single parent. We were like three kids raising each other.
We learned how to repair busted pipes under the house, how to fix the washer and dryer, how to live cheaply, etc…and all the things survival requires.
Son and I are doing that now with this house and with all the changes we have made. The economy is horrible, even though they tell us the recession was over three years ago. Someone forgot to tell us back then I think. LOL But, we set out several years ago to make our life less stressful, less burdened, to remove financial burdens and to fix a way to live even if the economy got worse. And let me tell you, all the “things” we accumulate in life are really like burdens around your neck. There is freedom in getting rid of many of these things and not having to worry about how we are going to pay the bills, etc.
Many might find our life too simple but for us, not having a mortgage hanging over our heads is such a blissful feeling that simplicity works for us. I personally love a simple life. I was never on for all the malls, parties, etc. I am just a plain old country girl who loves growing things and being in the open and fresh air and most of all my mountains.
Today, I watched just a little on Casey Anthony and it made me feel so sad. Our judicial system is no longer about the law but about playing games and covering for murderers and thieves, etc. I really did not even want to watch for it brought me down.
Sometimes, I think it is really better to not know these things for I can’t do anything about them and it affects my serenity. The only thing I have to say is that young lady will face the ultimate justice when she leave this world and she will not be smiling then.
Something I learned a long time ago. If I depend on others to make me happy, then I will never truly be happy. Happiness is inside me. Others may bring joy and laughter…but that is not happiness. Happiness lies inside and is a feeling that stays no matter what happens.
Ever seen people who have lost everything and yet they can still smile and go on with their lives? That is happiness. The things we buy, the people we pull into our lives..they are like accessories to a wonderful outfit…but they are not the outfit.
If we depend on people to make us happy, then what happens when they let us down or they are gone? What then for happiness? I have learned to enjoy people when they are here but when they are not, I just go along my happy way doing things I love to do, like my plants, or reading, painting, etc.
I think one reason I am the way I am is that I love people “in spite of” how they are and not “because of” how they are. In other words, I do not expect people to be perfect or never make mistakes. When I am someone’s friend…I am their friend forever even if they quit being a friend. I don’t turn off friendship just because they do something I don’t like or say something I don’t like. I don’t quit caring because someone gets mad at me or says something ugly.
My friendship is just that..a real tangible thing that I choose to keep regardless. I have friends I have not seen in years..but I am still their friend. To me, a real friend is someone who if I called and said “I need help”, they would find a way to get to me and help me. Because that is what I would do.
And now my rambling is over and I hope to sleep tonite. I am going to put on J and J and take it past the half way mark and see if I can see it to the end.
I have to tell you that my nightly ritual is to turn on “Julia and Julie” and put my earplug in and snuggle down in the covers until I fall asleep. Hence, I have not seen the movie straight through. I have watched sections. I actually decided to start in the middle tonite, for I fall asleep before I get half way through the movie and thought I might get to see it all.
I love Julia Child and wish this movie had been just about her for she is an awesome lady and what a romance she and Paul had. Just goes to show you that the tall, handsome, sexy man/woman may not treat you like the special person you deserve to be treated like. Paul adored Julia and she did him. Nothing was spectacular in looks about them but their love is overwhelmingly beautiful.
(Julia Child photo from the Los Angeles Times files)
Tonite was a little different for I had let myself watch a “Criminal Minds” episode late in the evening, which I never do as I am prone to have bad dreams if I do. So, I decided to turn on my “Julia and Julie” to take my mind off the episode and make me smile before sleeping.
I am laying here, all intent on “Julia and Julie” and deep into the movie, with my earplug in so that the noise does not disturb Jack. Jack will get up from his hut and come around and thump my bed and give me this look if the TV plays loud when it is sleep time. LOL. Anyway, I forgot one thing….one very important thing.
I forgot that since I was playing the movie on the computer, that my messenger would be tied into the speaker. So, here I am deep into Bruschetta and my mouth was watering for it looked absolutely divine. And if you have never tried Burschetta, here is a link that gives a recipe and a picture.
So, I am laying here drooling on my pillow and watching the movie and thinking I had missed this part during my sleeping with Julie and Julie nites and suddenly from my ear piece comes this very loud BOING BOING sound and you would have thought someone shot me with electricity.
I leapt up into sitting position, trying to snatch off oxygen hose, earplug and covers all in the same motion and with heart racing, was about to jump up and start running, which was even more comical after I calmed down since I can’t even walk without assistive devices much less run. LOL And it took all of about fifty seconds, which does not sound long but can be eternally long when scared, before I realized no one had me and stopped to take a breath and look at the computer to see the message on my screen. This is the conversation:
friend: are you awake?
Me: (after nearly killing myself trying to take wings and
fly out of the bed) you just scared the crap out of me! I am laying here watching
julia and julie and have earplug in..only it feeds to computer too and suddenly
loud BOING in my ear. I about left the bed’
friend: Oh, hon, I’m sorry!
well, you are awake now.
Me: what is wrong?
friend: Nothing. Just letting you know I’m leaving now
Me: if you could have seen me. I swear son would have thought I was possessed.
Had been watching Criminal Minds earlier and thought someone had me.
And then we both had a giggle fest that is the kind where tears run down your face and you can’t stop laughing. Oh, that kind of laughter is good for the soul. And comes at the most opportune times. I laughed so hard that Jack got up from his bed and came around and sat in front of me with a look that said ”what are you doing???? Don’t you know it is bedtime???” And here my friend and I both were sitting in the dark, laughing our proverbial hinnys off to the point of laughter and tears.
And after it was all said and done, I thought…now where was Julia when I needed her at her six-foot two height and that commanding way of carrying herself. She would have scared off my boogie man just with a stern look and a wooden spoon. Not even Julia or Julie came to save me. LOL
And Julia has carried me through the move and the remodeling and repairs and into my new home. It is now a ritual to turn the movie on at some point in the story when I settle down to sleep and I guarantee you that I will be sleeping before twenty minutes pass. And on the days when I am hurting so badly and don’t feel like watching, I just close my eyes and listen to it for I know the story in my head and it lulls me to sleep.
Julia was a woman with dreams too and look how long she worked on that cookbook and how many disappointments she had and yet she never stopped or gave up. Dreams don’t come easily folks..you have to work for them but it is like finding Fort Knox with the door open when you have one come true.
And now, I shall snuggle down once more, turn J and J back on and start at a new place and see if I have slowed my heart down enough to sleep. And while I am dreaming, I will ask Julia why she didn’t come to save me from the boogie man. LOL
Every had one of those days that just takes it all out of you. I am so tired. I feel totally depleted as if I have nothing left with which to work. Not to worry. I never give up but I do have a day here and there where I have to dig deep to find the strength to keep battling.
Life should not be a battle all the time. It should not be filled with pain and struggles all the time. It should not be filled with fighting for what is yours all the time. And when you are disabled, the battles are even harder at times. Sometimes it feels like it is a constant battle we have to just pull inside deep and hold on to that which keeps us going.
I have been battling the system on the other side of the mountain since we sold the house. We are talking over three months. Been stripped of dignity by someone who has misused their power and the battle seems to go on and on.
Today was some vindication when the judge asked what the deal was on my status and the woman said she apologized to me for the delay and told him that they did not know about the error until yesterday because of the fourth of July holiday. I won’t even comment on that but will let you form your own opinion. lol The judge did tell her that he would be having another phone session next week to make sure it was fixed. So, the judge has stood up for my rights just as Ken, the social worker here and the social services dept here has done trying to get me back on my program that I should never have been removed from.
And the adrenalin that I have been running on seemed to leave me and left me totally drained. And then filling out papers took what energy I had left. And I laid back here on the bed and just totally konked out and slept so hard I can’t seem to get focused. Ever have those days? Anyone? I know someone is out there. lol
And now, I asked my son for comfort food. I saw this on a blog and it just hit one of those sensory comfort things we remember from years ago. I want cinnamon toast. You know the butter the bread, sprinkle the cinnamon sugar on it and run under the broiler cinnamon toast.
Ever thought about how a “comfort thing” can make you feel a little pampered when things seem so rough? It could be a special bubble bath, lotion, tea, coffee, sweater, food…something that always makes you feel good like those old pair of jeans that fit just right. That and loved ones that seem to be there reaching out a hand or a shoulder and letting us know we are loved help us on this journey. And those fur babies who just seem to know when we are struggling, help to comfort us and give us joy. Jack has stayed close to my bed, where he can watch me and just refused to move. Oh I love that boy.
Always remember…things always look better in the morning after a good nights sleep and that is exactly what I intend to do. Sleep sleep sleep. Oh and before I forget, today I looked out at all the spirit clouds and saw angels all in the clouds. And I mean bunches of them. Even my son, who does not cloud watch, was saying OMG look at all the angels mom.
- Comfort foods
- Dreams for the future
- Eating Out
- Etta James
- Female Impersonators
- heart center
- helping others
- Native American
- New Year's Resolution
- Protection from fraud
- Rocky Mountains
- US Military