I dreamed last nite I was laying on that table and they were about to do the heart cath/stents thing and the star trek theme song was playing and my doctor was singing that he was about to BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. And to make it worse, in the dream, a roto rooter truck pulled up and started pulling this big snake out of it. Talk about a 3D nightmare.
Of course, the other nite I dreamed that Sassy and BOS were singing to raise money for me and they were wearing glitzy red and turquoise sequined outfits with these wild Supreme hairdos. Now, I have heard Sassy sing..lol so I am not sure if they made money or not.
So, you can tell it is all weighing on me and even though I appear calm on the outside, the inside is on sensory overload. LOL I was thrilled that the motel bed felt like sleeping on a cloud since the trip caused my knees to swell up like watermelons and the pain was extreme. Son was up doing a lot of taking care of me…he even brought the mini dvd player and had J and J for me to watch with my earplug. He said I was in and out as the pain was keeping me up and so would ask him to restart the video over and over. Even the sheet was painful.
I woke up early to a text from big bro over the mountain and another from sassy letting me know they were thinking of me and sending prayers. I wanted coffee so badly that I put a pot on and then was not sure if I was allowed to drink decaf or not. So, I decided I better not. Son is calling them to ask. So, here I sit…with no coffee and desperately want it to kick in my meds.
Time is drawing near and I will be leaving the motel in a couple of hours to get this all underway. Son will post and let you all know. Hopefully he will be posting a thumbs up picture of me. Til then…see you all later.
We made it. The menagerie and all survived the trip. We could hear Misty swinging on her swing in her cage..which was covered to keep her from being stressed. And one time we heard her fall off the swing and thump to the floor of the cage and then she hopped back up and starting singing. Jack rode very well. He loves his kennel and so just lays back there watching us.
I think it is son and I that are the worse for wear. Riding is extremely exhausting and painful for me even with all the soft pillows son puts around me to make it easier. And Son’s bad knee and leg give him a fit from the driving. He injured it a few years ago and never has let them do the surgery on it. But, the good news is…we are here..yeah rah and getting settled in.
As we were riding, I spotted this in the clouds. Whether you see it or not, from the van it looked like an angel to son and I. That was a good omen as we entered CO Springs. This town starts getting dark at 4 in the afternoon because they are between mountains and so people had their headlights on.
The man at the front desk was so nice and told me if I needed anything to call him. He knows I am here for hospital things. Our room is nice and on a back corner near a grassy area and that makes it nice for son to take Jack out to potty. Plus it makes for a very quiet room. Our room is at the handicap section and the beds are higher and easy access to the bathroom. Oh what a blessing and thank you to Sassy and BOS…I am exhausted but feel so much gratitude for what you did with this room.
There is no microwave and son and I opted to just eat in the room, so the little coffee pot is getting a work out heating water to make soup with and to heat up Jack’s food. Reminds me of the days when we put the baby’s bottle in a hot bowl of water to warm it. So everything is going well. After a bowl of soup and crackers and cheese, I am ready to lay down and get my legs up. Son is still eating turkey sandwiches but he loves them. Me, I am sick of turkey
Thank you for all the prayers and help. It has made this trip so much easier. Tomorrow I report to the Doctor’s suite at one and then after they do all their stuff, I go across to the hospital for the heart stuff at four. Going to be a long day. And I am whipped so am going to turn in.
oh oh, almost forgot to tell you. Son was reminding me that the doctors were going to give me some of that “don’t care” drug for the test so I would not care what they were doing. I told son that I was gonna tell the docs that I cared a LOT so could I have double? giggling
Many people have asked me how I keep going in spite of the things I have endured and my reply is always that I am a survivor. There are many things that factor into survival and how a person survives. Survival is a never-ending novel for all of us. Survival is:
“The story of success and failure.”
It is not that we need friends/family or loved ones. It is that these things give value to our surviving. These very things help us along the way to hold on to that inner tube that we cling to when we feel like we are drowning. Surviving hard things without loved ones can be done but it sure is a lonely hard way to do it.
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
I hear people say “are you not afraid?” Of course I am afraid. But, each time I have gone through something like this, I realize that I can make it a little more. Survival is not the rainbows of life, but the thunderstorms that make those rainbows so beautiful.
“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”
People have told me “Oh I could not handle this. I could not do it.” The truth of the matter is….yes you can. Until we are facing the fire, we don’t know what we can do. Mothers have lifted vehicles off their child to save them. All sorts of heroic things happen under the battle of life. And everyone has a little hero in them.
“You’d be surprised what you’re capable of doing when you have no other choice.”
~ Melinda Shiraki~
I have learned to use laughter a lot. It helps me carry on instead of letting the fear take over. I remember a time when my “adopted” daughter’s father was in the hospital dying. And it was such a hard time. We got on the elevator to go down after spending hours in the intensive care unit. When we got on, both of us felt really low. Two people were on the elevator and one pushed the lobby for us. The elevator stopped between floors. The woman started pushing all the buttons and the man said the elevator was acting up. I am claustrophobic and was frantically trying to tear open the doors. Finally the elevator decided to go back up to the floor we were on and I was off that thing like greased lightning. When I looked back, my adopted daughter looked like someone doing ballet leaps trying to get off. After she got off, she told me “did you hear that crazy lady on the elevator as we were getting off. She was telling people they didn’t want to get on that elevator…that it took you places you did not want to go and would not let you off”. I looked at her and started laughing. I said “honey, that crazy lady was me.” And we both started laughing til we cried. Humor helps when we think we will never laugh again.
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
Sometimes we just have to “pretend” everything is ok..just for a little while so that we can regroup and gear up and find our inner core to battle. That is what I did today. I tried to maintain normal just to give me a little peace
“As we do at such times I turned on my automatic pilot and went through the motions of normalcy on the outside, so that I could concentrate all my powers on surviving the near-mortal wound inside.”
When things happen, like today for me, we realize that we are not in control and that terrifies us even more. And so, we have to find a way to adapt to the situation so that we can handle it. We learn to adapt. And then we can fight the battle and keep on surviving.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”
I am a positive person. I look for something to hold my faith on. I am not a Pollyanna in the sense that I think the world will always be wonderful and fine and no one will die or be hurt. I am in the sense that I cling to the one that keeps me going…HOPE. My faith and my heart hold tight to that and keep me focused on the positive. It is easy to see all the things that could go wrong or that are negative but when we start counting off the good things and the positive….it can change our very situation just by giving us the tool to keep fighting.
“Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope”
And it is our loved ones…our family/friends/family of choice that help keep that hope alive for us. I am so thankful for all of you. Sometimes we give to help others..from our hearts, our minds, our purses…and sometimes they give to us..but it is all part of the never-ending novel called Survival.
Each time someone stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.
Robert F. Kennedy
I admit….I am not the most patient person in the world. That is how I got dubbed “Patience Marie” because son was always saying it to me when I was impatiently trying to get something to work. It is all in the tone. Many thought I meant I was called Patience Marie because I was so patient, but just imagine son telling me “Patience Marie” in that tone that says…”calm down…it will all work out”.
While I waited on the Heart Center to get back to me and let me know when I would go to the hospital, I found myself getting more anxious. I had spent yesterday toning down the “sensory” around me that makes me get nervous. I turned lights down, sounds off and laid on the bed in quiet calm allowing my whole system to calm and so when I woke up this morning…I was ready to go get this over with.
Well, that got blown out of the water the moment they told me they could not find me. I hope they remember where I am once I get there. I found myself getting nervous all over again and that “tummy ache” that comes when we are nervous. Son was even getting nervous…probably from my nervousness.
This is when I decided that a little pretending was in order. I decided to carry on as if this were a normal day. Son took Jack to get his nails trimmed. Poor Jack, a high claw shattered when she cut it and son said blood went everywhere. But, the groomer is really sweet and Jack likes her. Son said she kept rubbing his head saying “it’s ok baby..it’s ok”.
Then, I just puttered around the house. I stayed away from questions about the hospital and pretended I was just home for the day doing my normal. And you know what….didn’t hurt me a bit and made my day better. Now, I don’t recommend this for all of life. But sometimes…a little pretending helps you get through.
And so I have managed to bring the serenity back. And tomorrow, we will get up, make Jack’s soup to take, load the van up and after lunch…head for Colorado Springs. We are survivors and adapters (is that a word??)…..:) Due to circumstances, we must take Jack AND the bird Misty with us. So, we will be like Dr. Doolittle and this menagerie will head north. All is packed. Son says I am like having a child with all my equipment but now he says he feels like he has triplets with Jack and Misty. But, we have traveled this way before and it always manages to work out.
And at four o’clock on Wednesday afternoon, I will be wheeled off to have heart stuff done to me. And because it is so late and the Dr. said if he has to clean out the arteries or put stents in, I will be in over nite. But, son will send info and pictures on here for me.
So, next time things are just too much to handle and you don’t want to talk about it or have to deal with it…for just a little while..try a little pretending..and allow yourself to feel the calmness flow through you. The stressful part is going to be there anyway. Does not mean we have to eat, breathe and sleep it. We can get away from it for just a little bit.
Heart Center just called. I report in at one and the heart stuff starts at 4……………….on Wednesday the 30th. So I am only one day off and the motel is set. And so we will leave tomorrow and be on this journey and hopefully come home on Thursday.
I really should not be surprised that things did not go as planned, but sure is a pain in the arse. I called this morning to see what time to report in tomorrow and after searching frantically, they told me that they can not even find me on the schedule. She looked about five times.. She had my folder with all my records and the stress test and CTA but no name on the list…..OMG>>>>>>>WHAT????????????
So, this means a quick shift in reservations and getting things set up again. The nurse told me the two days available are Wednesday the 30th…that is not too bad…or Dec. 7th…a week away. I am sitting here waiting on the call to tell me. If we can not do it on the 30th..leave tomorrow and have done next day….then I will have to set the reservations all over again.
I am just waiting on my doc to say…well it is cause you are so “special”….hahaha…that is what he says about my medical..I am so complicated on how to take care of me cause I am so special with all my things wrong. This happened once before and where two tests were supposed to be scheduled, only one got scheduled. Does not make me feel good right now but all things will work out.
Now for the good news….the van is up and running…thanks to the Creator and all who helped us. So we are ready, geared up and waiting on the Heart Center to call us and tell us when to come now. I had just gotten myself in that peaceful zone all ready for this to be done in the morning…and then BAM…this happens. Oh well…it will be when it is. I will post an update as soon as they call me. We will either leave tomorrow or next Tuesday. And now, I think I will take a nap and sooth my fractured nerves.
Well, we just about have everything ready….sitting in the living room for tomorrow. The list has been checked down, except for a couple things like the oxygen. And so I head to CO Springs to the motel and then Tuesday, whatever time they tell me tomorrow…I will be at the hospital.
And I am not worried one bit. I know it will all be fine. Honest I am not.
copyright Ron Leishman
And I really am going in for heart stuff. HONEST LOL
I won’t come out looking a bit different. I really looked this way before I went in. Honest. giggling..NOT
I want to thank those of you that sent to help us with getting this van going. Hopefully, if all goes well, tomorrow the last will be done and we will be on our way to Colorado Springs to the motel. Then Tuesday I will be at the hospital there for the heart stuff. And from there, I do not know as they said they can not tell me beyond me getting there due to one thing hinges on another so they can not tell me if the surgeons will go full steam ahead with the kidney surgery or not.
But, my heart is full thanks to those of you who have sent help and those of you that have supported me in other ways. I am so independent that I have always fought to do on my own but sometimes in life, we just can’t. And I am blessed to have so many people in my life that are angels unaware.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
– Albert Schweitzer
You all have lifted stress from me and helped so much and re-lit the fire that I need to go forward with all of this. Thank you from my heart and from son’s heart. You all walk ten feet tall now in my book and are giants in the world of compassion. And now, I have removed the link for paypal as I promised I would once we had enough to fix the van.
Help others get ahead. You will always stand taller with someone else on your shoulders. Bob Moawad
My heart is filled with gratitude and love and it is because of you all. Some of you helped with the van. Others of you give love and support emotionally and some of you send beautiful pictures and videos to try to keep my spirits up and I am touched beyond words.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
– Melody Beattie
Gratitude for wonderful, loving, caring people like you all in my life lifts me up and helps me see the future with greater strength. All this with the van had brought me down and made it harder for me to handle all the stress of what is coming up medically. And today, I was struggling to stay focused on all the positive and on what everyone has done and worrying about what is left to do. This morning someone sent me a quote…and I loved it for it told me exactly why I was feeling so sad when I woke up. And now, I see the brightness of all the light you all have surrounded me with.
So often we dwell on the things that seem impossible rather than on the things that are possible. So often we are depressed by what remains to be done and forget to be thankful for all that has been done.
– Marian Wright Edelman
And so, I have spent the morning preparing for the upcoming trip. It requires a lot of list checking to make sure I have not forgotten something important like oxygen machine, nebulizer, meds, etc. But the fight comes in being ready for this procedure and the kidney surgery that will follow at some point. And I am working on that.
It’s not the will to win, but the will to prepare to win that makes the difference.
You have made this journey easier for me and from the depths of my heart I thank you. You have lifted a huge burden and made it possible to work. And you have filled my heart with your love and joy. And soon, I believe son will be posting a picture to you all of me on that hospital transport, with a big ole thumbs up, letting you know that I have made it through the heart stuff and then again when the kidney stuff is done. You are awesome. Thank you again. One day, I will pay it forward. love to you all.
From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life. Arthur Ashe
- Comfort foods
- Dreams for the future
- Eating Out
- Etta James
- Female Impersonators
- heart center
- helping others
- Native American
- New Year's Resolution
- Protection from fraud
- Rocky Mountains
- US Military