Survival is A Never Ending Novel

Many people have asked me how I keep going in spite of the things I have endured and my reply is always that I am a survivor. There are many things that factor into survival and how a person survives. Survival is a never-ending novel for all of us. Survival is:

“The story of success and failure.”

It is not that we need friends/family or loved ones. It is that these things give value to our surviving. These very things help us along the way to hold on to that inner tube that we cling to when we feel like we are drowning. Surviving hard things without loved ones can be done but it sure is a lonely hard way to do it.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
 C.S. Lewis

I hear people say “are you not afraid?”  Of course I am afraid. But, each time I have gone through something like this, I realize that I can make it a little more. Survival is not the rainbows of life, but the thunderstorms that make those rainbows so beautiful.

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”

~ Epicurus~

People have told me “Oh I could not handle this. I could not do it.”  The truth of the matter is….yes you can. Until we are facing the fire, we don’t know what we can do. Mothers have lifted vehicles off their child to save them. All sorts of heroic things happen under the battle of life. And everyone has a little hero in them.

“You’d be surprised what you’re capable of doing when you have no other choice.”

~ Melinda Shiraki~

I have learned to use laughter a lot. It helps me carry on instead of letting the fear take over. I remember a time when my “adopted” daughter’s father was in the hospital dying. And it was such a hard time. We got on the elevator to go down after spending hours in the intensive care unit. When we got on, both of us felt really low. Two people were on the elevator and one pushed the lobby for us. The elevator stopped between floors. The woman started pushing all the buttons and the man said the elevator was acting up. I am claustrophobic and was frantically trying to tear open the doors. Finally the elevator decided to go back up to the floor we were on and I was off that thing like greased lightning. When I looked back, my adopted daughter looked like someone doing ballet leaps trying to get off. After she got off, she told me “did you hear that crazy lady on the elevator as we were getting off. She was telling people they didn’t want to get on that elevator…that it took you places you did not want to go and would not let you off”.  I looked at her and started laughing. I said “honey, that crazy lady was me.”  And we both started laughing til we cried. Humor helps when we think we will never laugh again.

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

 Bill Cosby

Sometimes we just have to “pretend” everything is ok..just for a little while so that we can regroup and gear up and find our inner core to battle. That is what I did today. I tried to maintain normal just to give me a little peace

“As we do at such times I turned on my automatic pilot and went through the motions of normalcy on the outside, so that I could concentrate all my powers on surviving the near-mortal wound inside.”

Sonia Johnson

When things happen, like today for me, we realize that we are not in control and that terrifies us even more. And so, we have to find a way to adapt to the situation so that we can handle it. We learn to adapt. And then we can fight the battle and keep on surviving.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

I am a positive person. I look for something to hold my faith on. I am not a Pollyanna in the sense that I think the world will always be wonderful and fine and no one will die or be hurt. I am in the sense that I cling to the one that keeps me going…HOPE.  My faith and my heart hold tight to that and keep me focused on the positive. It is easy to see all the things that could go wrong or that are negative but when we start counting off the good things and the positive….it can change our very situation just by giving us the tool to keep fighting.

“Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope”

And it is our loved ones…our family/friends/family of choice that help keep that hope alive for us. I am so thankful for all of you. Sometimes we give to help others..from our hearts, our minds, our purses…and sometimes they give to us..but it is all part of the never-ending novel called Survival.

Each time someone stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope. 

Robert F. Kennedy

Sometimes a Little Pretending Helps

I admit….I am not the most patient person in the world. That is how I got dubbed “Patience Marie” because son was always saying it to me when I was impatiently trying to get something to work.  It is all in the tone. Many thought I meant I was called Patience Marie because I was so patient, but just imagine son telling me “Patience Marie”  in that tone that says…”calm down…it will all work out”.

While I waited on the Heart Center to get back to me and let me know when I would go to the hospital, I found myself getting more anxious. I had spent yesterday toning down the “sensory” around me that makes me get nervous. I turned lights down, sounds off and laid on the bed in quiet calm allowing my whole system to calm and so when I woke up this morning…I was ready to go get this over with.

Well, that got blown out of the water the moment they told me they could not find me. I hope they remember where I am once I get there.   I found myself getting nervous all over again and that “tummy ache” that comes when we are nervous. Son was even getting nervous…probably from my nervousness.

This is when I decided that a little pretending was in order. I decided to carry on as if this were a normal day. Son took Jack to get his nails trimmed. Poor Jack, a high claw shattered when she cut it and son said blood went everywhere. But, the groomer is really sweet and Jack likes her. Son said she kept rubbing his head saying “it’s ok baby..it’s ok”.

Then, I just puttered around the house. I stayed away from questions about the hospital and pretended I was just home for the day doing my normal. And you know what….didn’t hurt me a bit and made my day better. Now, I don’t recommend this for all of life. But sometimes…a little pretending helps you get through.

And so I have managed to bring the serenity back. And tomorrow, we will get up, make Jack’s soup to take, load the van up and after lunch…head for Colorado Springs. We are survivors and adapters (is that a word??)…..:)  Due to circumstances, we must take Jack AND the bird Misty with us. So, we will be like Dr. Doolittle and this menagerie will head north. All is packed. Son says I am like having a child with all my equipment but now he says he feels like he has triplets with Jack and Misty. But, we have traveled this way before and it always manages to work out.

And at four o’clock on Wednesday afternoon, I will be wheeled off to have heart stuff done to me. And because it is so late and the Dr. said if he has to clean out the arteries or put stents in, I will be in over nite. But, son will send info and pictures on here for me.

So, next time things are just too much to handle and you don’t want to talk about it or have to deal with it…for just a little while..try a little pretending..and allow yourself to feel the calmness flow through you.  The stressful part is going to be there anyway. Does not mean we have to eat, breathe and sleep it. We can get away from it for just a little bit.

Heart Center Has Me Now. :)

Heart Center just called. I report in at one and the heart stuff starts at 4……………….on Wednesday the 30th. So I am only one day off and the motel is set.  And so we will leave tomorrow and be on this journey and hopefully come home on Thursday.

 

Complications and A New Hospital Day

I really should not be surprised that things did not go as planned, but sure is a pain in the arse.  I called this morning to see what time to report in tomorrow and after searching frantically, they told me that they can not even find me on the schedule. She looked about five times.. She had my folder with all my records and the stress test and CTA but no name on the list…..OMG>>>>>>>WHAT????????????

So, this means a quick shift in reservations and getting things set up again.  The nurse told me the two days available are Wednesday the 30th…that is not too bad…or Dec. 7th…a week away.  I am sitting here waiting on the call to tell me. If we can not do it on the 30th..leave tomorrow and have done next day….then I will have to set the reservations all over again.

I am just waiting on my doc to say…well it is cause you are so “special”….hahaha…that is what he says about my medical..I am so complicated on how to take care of me cause I am so special with all my things wrong. This happened once before and where two tests were supposed to be scheduled, only one got scheduled. Does not make me feel good right now but all things will work out.

Now for the good news….the van is up and running…thanks to the Creator and all who helped us. So we are ready, geared up and waiting on the Heart Center to call us and tell us when to come now. I had just gotten myself in that peaceful zone all ready for this to be done in the morning…and then BAM…this happens. Oh well…it will be when it is. I will post an update as soon as they call me. We will either leave tomorrow or next Tuesday. And now, I think I will take a nap and sooth my fractured nerves.