Simply danLrene

Dare To Dream

Boundaries-Your Invisible Line

Setting boundaries is something we all should do in our lives…..boundaries on how thin we will spread ourselves, how many obligations we will take on, what we allow in our lives, who we allow in our lives, what we read and allow to take up space in our brain etc.  I see people making lists of goals with so many things on it that they are so busy trying to carry out all on the list that they forget to live…to experience life. What we do must be balanced…with love and boundaries.

Is someone asking you to give more than you can give?
Say, “I wish I could give you more.
May you be blessed to receive what you deserve and even more!”
Tzedakah (charity) should always be given
in a loving way and with a blessing.

I set boundaries on what uses up my energy. I limit my contact with negative, bitter people for listening to them uses up my energy. I limit what I read and see on the internet and TV for if I can’t do anything about it….I refuse to let my life be negatively affected by it. And make no mistake, it will.  Saturating myself with negative things that I can do nothing about only succeeds in giving me a headache, agitating me, upsetting my stomach and making me sick. If I can change something, then I will bring it in my life and do all I can to change it.

“The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is:  when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.”

Robert Burney

I find that setting boundaries helps me to have a more fulfilling accomplished life. If I don’t set any boundaries than I am like the kid who runs in circles and never accomplishes anything. Son started talking to me about politics this morning. To be honest, unless it is about something that I can do something about, like voting for or against something, then I tend to skim over topics. It took me a few minutes to make son realize that I don’t get into these debates over things like politics because all it does is stress my system over something I can not change.

It is important to pay attention to what people and places do to our emotional well-being. Do you feel energized being around someone or working at a certain place or do you feel drained, exhausted and like you have nothing left to give. If it is the latter, you are not setting and using good boundaries. Setting boundaries is about learning to say no but it is also about recognizing what affects us in a negative way and learning to take it in smaller doses so that it does not totally take all we have.

I call the people and things that drain my energies emotional vampires. We have all been around those people whose continuous drama just literally sucks the life out of you. And yet, sometimes we just give in and let them. It is our responsibility to take care of our selves and we do that by setting boundaries. I have learned to set boundaries on the people I am around and the things I do for I have to choose carefully for my energy supply is lower than your normal person.

Some people become addicted to all the drama and just can’t tear themselves away from it even though the physical and emotional impact is draining on them. They love the adrenalin rush that comes from all the drama going on.  I discovered I loved the serenity that comes with having set boundaries and sticking to them. I used to let people pull me into all sorts of stuff and then I realized that I had no direction and I was feeling stressed and resentful. Setting boundaries helps us set directions and goals.

I set boundaries on my writing…what I will and will not write about…how I write–I am not one to use a lot of flowery words because I have had feedback from people telling me they prefer when I speak straight from the heart and like I am talking to them face to face. I find flowery words exhausting….exhausting to use and exhausting to read so I tend to avoid them.

I set boundaries on where I go, who I talk to and what I read for all things we do leave a marker in our heads and I want positive markers. Some boundaries we realize once we get in a situation. You can tell instantly when you are around someone who will drain you completely and I have learned to make these events  “short” visits.

Setting boundaries is up to us. It is our choice and an important choice. If we don’t set boundaries and are exhausted from people, places, events all the time, then we have no one to blame but ourselves.  People find it hard to set boundaries and the ironic thing is adults find it the hardest to set boundaries with family like their grown children and even more so, with their parents. For some reason, people as adults find it hard to talk to or set boundaries with their parents. My parents were high maintenance and expected us children to be on call all the time. I was lucky in that I lived 8 hours away so I did not have to come running all the time but I did catch the anger if I refused to come up and take care of them like they wanted and my parents lived in an assisted living facility but did not want anyone taking care of them but us. I think adults find themselves feeling like the little boy or girl again when it comes to dealing with their parents. Usually the tool the parents use on adult children is guilt. And feeling guilty is our choice.

We have to remember that setting a boundary is not a threat or ultimatum. It is just saying what you will and will not allow in your life. The guilt factor comes in again when we try to set boundaries. We feel guilty if we don’t say yes, if we don’t let so and so take our time or energy, if we don’t go help and the list goes on. Feeling guilty is our emotion and we have to own up to is and realize that it is ok for us to set boundaries and we do not have to feel guilty about it. One of the sure signs you need to set a boundary is when you find yourself whining, angry or resentful over something or someone. And it is important when we make a boundary to not send mixed messages by apologizing for making the boundary. Boundaries are not lines drawn in the sand. They are simply what you will and will not allow to take from your life and use your energies and life for you.  We teach others how to treat us by the boundaries we set.

At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.

Carl Benedict

March 15, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,


  1. [...] Boundaries-Your Invisible Line ( Share this:TwitterFacebookLinkedInEmailPrintLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. [...]

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  3. Great blog! I used to have problems setting boundaries in my younger years. It wasn’t until my 30′s that I realized how drained I had become from all of the bloodsucking toxic “emotional blackmailers”.
    Life is SO much easier when we have boundaries. No more drama or disrespect…….and no more guilt! ;)

    Comment by Cdn Stormlover | March 18, 2012 | Reply

    • Exactly. Setting boundaries is to make our life easier…not harder. Thanks for the words. :)

      Comment by danLrene ©2011 | March 18, 2012 | Reply

  4. Excellent description of a very trying thing to find balance. It’s something I’m still not good at even tough I’ve been proactivily searching that fine libe for over 25 yrs.
    Being a wife, mom sister, daughter & friend come first, yet these are also the aspects that can be so draining.

    Comment by Barefoot Baroness | March 16, 2012 | Reply

  5. Perfect description: ‘emotional vampires’. I have a couple of these in my life in the form of horrible in-laws! I will take your words of wisdom and try to do as you suggest!

    Comment by jmgoyder | March 15, 2012 | Reply

  6. I am so glad you posted this. I have been in everyone of these situations mentions. A place no one wants to be. It took me years to learn the above. I only started setting boundaries when I reached a breaking point. Something you don’t want to wait for. That’s why this post is so important. Thank you for sharing.


    Comment by fgassette | March 15, 2012 | Reply

  7. *oops…led me to!

    Comment by mbinsc04 | March 15, 2012 | Reply

  8. love this! amazing how setting boundaries makes such a difference in how we feel about life. thanks for checking out my blog and for the link, it’s much appreciated! new to this writing/blogging thing but am enjoying it, and especially love all the interesting people and ideas it’s lead me to :) look forward to reading more of your story!

    Comment by mbinsc04 | March 15, 2012 | Reply

    • Thanks :) I love your blog too.

      Comment by danLrene ©2011 | March 15, 2012 | Reply

    • Thanks. I love the blog world and so many interesting things to read.

      Comment by danLrene ©2011 | March 15, 2012 | Reply

  9. Emotional vampires are common, we should be wary of them. Great subject. Thanks :)

    Comment by Spiral Dreamer (Francis) | March 15, 2012 | Reply

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