Coming Soon

I am so excited. Below is the pictures of the proof book that my son and my friend Dr. Sherry E. Showalter  (http://drses.wordpress.com/)  wrote together about dealing with chronic pain. It is not yet on Amazon but will be after the book is proofed and any corrections are made.

It is a small book of 81 pages and in it are alternative methods to use when dealing with chronic pain. These methods come from the perspective of a Licensed Clinical Social worker who spent years working with hospice patients and others who suffered with chronic pain and modalities she used and through the eyes of my son, the caretaker and things he has found that help patients like me with chronic pain and help himself with the chronic pain of a bad back. They are not things to take away from what the doctor does but to enhance what the doctor does.

I am so excited to hold this in my hands and look at it. There are corrections to be made. The cover is supposed to look like the second picture and all those things will be fixed if they can be before publishing. Plus there are the occasional misspelled word or typo that comes with writing.

And guess what. I helped.  Do I sound like the shake and bake girl?  giggling.  Yes indeedy. I helped. One of those hands is mine. That is my contribution to the book.

Middle Of The Night Ramblings

I figured I would be up tonight after my trip out to the tiny church but that is ok for it was worth it to me and I would do it again. I am still feeling the joy of having gotten to go today. So, while I am trying to tone my pain down, I thought I would just ramble a bit. Below is a picture of my Saint Francis statue right beside the patio. Those are mixed sunflowers planted beside him. I can not wait to see them bloom. And in the pot is a blooming vine that I am looking forward to seeing get blooms on it. It is supposed to have red flowers that grow on this vine. But, anyway…the picture is a very relaxing picure to me and brings serenity and that helps with pain.

I was laying here thinking about dreams and about a friend of mine that told me she was too old to dream anymore and she is younger than me. I do not think there is an age limit on dreaming.  We might have a time limit (just kidding) but I think we can dream up until the day we leave this world.

I believe sometimes we set these ridiculous “rules” in place that I often wonder who made them. I remember when my children were little my father telling my son that little boys did not play with dolls. Meanwhile, three feet from him was his female cousin who was playing with the “boys” trucks. So, who set that rule?  Why not let little boys play with dolls? It might make them more in tune to children when they decide to have some.

Another one I was told when I turned thirty by a cousin was that once you were thirty you were not supposed to wear pants anymore…you were a mature lady. Ok, maybe I was the rebel growing up…and I am still growing up by the way…but who said we do not wear pants anymore and must wear a dress all the time? Sounded like another one of those dumb rules to me and of course I put on pants just to spite it too.

I got teased because I love dolls even now and have them in my room. Did you know I am too big to play with dolls?  Goodness, I did not. I just knew I got enjoyment of seeing them and putting them in different outfits to brighten my room. Wow, who made that rule? Well, guess they will be mad when they find out a friend sent me a girl reborn doll and it is due here tomorrow. Reborn dolls look and feel like a real baby. It is amazing. And when my pain is screaming, my reborn doll is a wonderful visualization tool to help me get through it. I hold him…Gabriel…and I sit and close my eyes and rock in the recliner and visualize the days when my boys were little or my Sweetpea and I rocked them. It takes me away from the pain and brings me joy. Guess the creator of the rule that says once you get my age you should not play with dolls never thought of that one, huh.

Now here are some “rules” that I can live by. They are not really rules but great quotes that lead the way for us if we allow them. Life is too short to be bogged down with senseless rules but too precious not to use wisdom along the way.

This first one is so true. It does not say do not depend at all. It says do not depend too much on others in this world. I have seen people become dependent emotionally on others and then when the times come where others are busy and they can not find anyone to come to help them through their emotional crisis, they become almost hysterical. I am proud of the friends and loved ones I have but I also am proud of the brain I have and that I can think and I can decide things on my own. We have to learn to self soothe ourselves for there will always be times when people are busy or not home and we have to deal with a crisis and if we do not know how to soothe ourselves so that we can handle it, then it will always be a traumatic experience.  People are human. They will always let us down at one time or another…not because they do not care but just because they ARE human.

I truly believe that life gives us back what we put into it. If we are kind and loving, then it will come back to us. If we are bitter and full of angst, that will come back too. I think if we stop before we spout off anything in anger or do anything in anger and make ourselves say one good thing…then it can set the tone for our day and we will find that saying ugly things are not really necessary.

I remember a friend from many years ago called zigi. She was a precious girl of about 17 but an old soul. She died young from her body being exposed to drugs too long. She had cleaned herself up and was living a wonderful life with a baby and husband but her past came back to haunt her and her kidneys failed.

When people would tell her how sweet she was or how kind, she would tell them that what they saw in her was what they were giving out. Now, I do not mean that syrupy fake sweet that some people do but the real genuine sweet…the kind of sweetness and kind heart that is authentic. Many did not get that. Those of us that thought she was sweet and loving were sweet and loving people. Those that did not like her and thought she was something else, they saw what was in their own hearts.

I believe life is too short to let all the garbage take over our lives. We have to pick what is the best and what is the most important. And once you discover that, then work towards that. From experience, I can tell you that life can change in the blink of an eye. I look back to when I first started getting sick…in my thirties. I was young and thought like so many do at that age, that we are invincible. What I learned young was that there are no guarantees in life and if you want to do this or that, then you better start trying it while you have the time.

Love from the depths of your heart. Yes, you may get hurt but the joy you feel while you are loving should make up for it. I told a friend once that was divorcing after twenty years and she wanted to wipe it all out to remember..that there were good moments in that twenty years. There were happy moments, moments of sharing and loving.  Do not turn them all into hate and anger. Take the good and cherish it. Just because you can not get along now does not mean that you must hate ever minute of the twenty years you had….or however many years.

Love, forgive…others and yourself, laugh, share, reach out, do for others, reach for your dreams no matter your age and most of all live with honesty and integrity. For if you do that…then you can face anything. All it takes is believing..in yourself.

Trust and Dignity

 

 

 

Avoiding Drama

image from https://www.facebook.com/pages/Random-Quotes-/303908102990476

Only one thing to say to that…AMEN!  and I agree.

Update On The Tiny Church

Back home. How did it go?

I am back home and in my bed. Son asked me how I thought it went. As you can see above…it was A-Ok. I am totally whipped and on the verge of just crashing in deep sleep but it was a great experience and the people are so nice. The pastor offered for some of them to come over and fix my ramp.

We left the house at five til eleven. Church was over before noon and we ate with them and were home before one. And we both felt very at home and very comfortable and even though I am totally give out…I would go again.

So yeaaa…was great.

Sometimes Dreams Take Detours

image from lovesujeiry.com

I have been unable to go to church for over three years due to my health, how hard it is to get into my church and then the tightness of the pews (I wish churches would not do that for it makes it hard for tall people and really hard for someone handicapped) and the distance inside the church. I love going to church and dream of getting to go.

You may ask why I do not take my power chair. Well, my good one has never been fixed and the one they gave me instead they told me I could not take out of the house or it would void the warranty and it is not made for a tall person and wobbles and feels unsafe. So, I figured this dream of going to church would never happen.

Well, sometimes dreams work in a different way. Son came home the other day and asked me if I felt up to a little ride about four blocks or so away. I said yes and he drove me to this tiny little church …it is Baptist.  The minister there and the members are so sweet. It is a small church of about 22. There are no steps and walking in is about 20 feet from my van to the first pew. The service is an hour and that is short compared to some churches . And so, I might be able to sit that long.

So, I have been resting for the past couple of days so that today my hope and dream is that we are going to attempt to go to this little church…to God’s house…for my first service in I believe it has been over three years. No, it is not the church I have gone to for years but all that matters to me is it is possible for me and it is God’s house.

The church is so small there are only about five rows of pews on each side and they have them spaced apart so my leg with the brace will not be cramped. Son is carrying a pillow for me. We did not even know this tiny little church was here. It is on the outskirts of town like our house. So, I am real excited and am praying that I can do this. I know I will give it my best shot.

I will post and let you know how I did when we get home. And the nice thing is that the pastor said that if I had trouble, just to get up and leave to go home but that he prays I will be able to stay and to stay after and eat with them as they will try to fix me a place in the little room off the church where they eat that is comfortable for me even if I have to lay down.  I do not even know if I can make it through the service before the pain gets too bad but I am going to try.

Yes I Can

I believe in fighting and keeping going in life in spite of obstacles. I have been this way all my life and it has been a good thing with all the health issues I deal with. I could do like some people we see do and lay back and whine that I just can not do it and expect others to do it for me but I do not. Call it self-respect, personal pride…whatever…but the truth is I do not like being thought of as someone who uses other people for what I can do for myself and so I do not. I am just too head-strong.

I am still going, still up on the forearm crutches although not for the distance or time I used to be ….but I have not let these illnesses take that from me. Some days it is really hard and it would be so easy to lay back and say I can not do it. But, the truth of the matter is, I get a rush every time I push myself to keep going and I accomplish doing it in spite of what the illnesses are doing to me.

image from inspirational-musings.tumblr.com

My health issues will take me down one day, but they will not without a fight of all fights. I refuse to let it win if I have anything left in me to stop it. I tell my son sometimes when he will say I should not do this or that or that I can not do this or that …”you watch my shirt tail pop son”….meaning I am going to try or go down trying. So, I put on my wonder woman head band and say to my illnesses and diseases that are stealing my life…”you take that cause I am NOT giving up!”   The diseases will take me down one day but I can guarantee you that they will get an arse whupping on the way down from me.

image from sweat-junkie.com

Some days the diseases will win but that is ok because when I lay here at night recouping, I am building my fight back up to give it a run for it’s money tomorrow…and the next day …..and the next.
Hear me diseases for my roar may be small at times but it is still a a roar.

I live on faith. Yes, I have faith in God but there is also another kind of faith. It is the faith that I will wake up in the morning ready to fight again.  It is the faith that I will endure one more round of high pain and muscle spasms and a hard time breathing..one more time. It is the faith that I will not give up but will keep fighting…not just for me but for the ones I love. It is the faith that when things are too tough and I can not stand it, I will be carried through it. It is the faith..that I will never lose my faith…in God, in those I love, in survival, in truth, in honesty, in justice, in goodness, in peace, in love, in compassion…for those things keep the world going. And it is faith in the knowledge that sometimes, faith is all I need.

image from quotesvalley.com

Update on Renovation

 

The contractor came and made a list and measured so he could order all the handicap stuff, the shower, pedistal  sink and handicap commode and measured the storm door to get ready for the ramp. He said it takes about a week for the handicap stuff to come in and that he should be starting the next week. All I can say is thank you Lord and thank you for the prayers.

It was hard to explain to someone who is not disabled or chronically ill why this hurt me so. It was treating disabled, chronically ill, and seniors as if they were not important. It was an attitude of making it where I could take a shower or helping another senior have a new porch and ramp because theirs was so rickety it was like it might fall in and other jobs for the disabled and chronically ill…were just not important. It diminished me and diminishes others like me and made me feel unworthy and I had to fight hard to not let it do that to me.

Those that are disabled and chronically ill can tell you that it is hard enough losing part of the control in your life and depending on others and not being able to do for yourself a lot of things. But, then to be treated like second class people is devastating.  I have had people tell me in the past that we disabled and chronically ill should just get over losing control in our lives. And my experience has been that those are the very people that will have the hardest time when they get where they can not do because they think that is so easy to do. It is a pervasive attitude with some people concerning the disabled, chronically ill or seniors and it is sad that people do not take the time to try to understand.

And it showed me how much the prayers affected this situation when the man told my son that he was lucky because the job he was doing now…not a COG job for the disabled…just a regular construction job…when he told them that COG wanted him to start now and explained what the job was, the person the work was being done for told him to go ahead and take off and knock this job out at my house. It says to me that the power of prayer is very strong and it also says that the man the work is being done for has a heart and cares about disabled and chronically ill and seniors and is willing to let them be taken care of first. I know God will bless him for that too.

 

Related articles

• Through The Eyes Of The Chronically Ill or Disabled (workthedream.wordpress.com)
• Chronic Illness Is A Roller Coaster Ride (workthedream.wordpress.com)
• Chronic Illness Tip: Pick your support system carefully (theadventuresofarthritisnfibromyalgia.wordpress.com)

 

I Believe

I believe in the power of prayer. I always have. I also believe that God takes care of our needs. I have seen it happen over and over in my life. This time was no exception. I got a call this morning at 8 from the contractor asking me was it alright if they came today at eleven instead of tomorrow. He said that their appointment for that day had been postponed. Here I was in tears just two days ago because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle and I asked everyone that prays for prayers. I just simply asked for prayers. And today the contractor is coming after the man in charge told me two days ago that he was not coming. God is good all the time…even in the bad times. Not only was this resolved the financial issue is better too. Thank you for standing by me with prayers and good thoughts.

video by Unjourunehumeurunson

I believe that our needs will be taken care of and I can tell you story after story showing how my holding on to that faith…that something happened to take care of things financially. When my son was laid off, we were on the other side of the mountain. We had a big house payment that was more than my disability check. I kept telling my son that our “needs” would be taken care of. …not our wants…but our needs. And something happened every time to do just that. The gas bill would be due…a check from the electric co-op back east would send a refund from twenty years ago for the exact amount of the gas bill. The taxes came due and our escrow would have sent a check refunding overage from the past year for the exact amount of the taxes. We would be short on food and a neighbor would be seen going to all the neighbors and show up at our house with a big box of food because his freezer quit working and the food would thaw before he could get the new one delivered. So, he was giving it to his neighbors.

I have found that our needs have always been taken care of. We never went without food, a roof over our heads, warmth in the winter, cool in the summer, clothing, gas for transportation, medicine..things we needed. And the most glorious thing about last year was watching my son as each need was taken care of. Was it ever hard to rely on faith? Yes at times but I knew when the doubt crept in, I had to get it out quickly. There were times we were right up to the last minute, but it always came through. We had to do our part though. We had to exhaust all our means to try to solve the problem. We did not just sit back and say “ok God…you do it”.  We had to do our part and find ways to accomplish it. Sometimes the taking care of our needs is in providing us the means to make what we need.

The other day I had done all I knew to do to get this work accomplished. I had done all I knew to do to get the financial situation also resolved. And finally I did the one thing left that I knew I could do and that was to ask others for prayers. And both needs have been taken care of.

So, to you all that prayed…thank you for the prayers. Thank you for standing by me and walking my journey with me. I do believe in prayer and I believe in you all.

image from http://www.myspace.com/callingallangels11/photos/14421581

A Hummer Night

I stepped out on the patio to watch the sun set and the hummers appeared. So I started my day with hummingbirds and ended it with hummingbirds. What a beautiful ending to my day.

And a prayer answered. The contractor called tonight to tell us that he will be here saturday to start on the renovation. Thank you Creator…thank you Lord.