Middle Of The Night Ramblings

I figured I would be up tonight after my trip out to the tiny church but that is ok for it was worth it to me and I would do it again. I am still feeling the joy of having gotten to go today. So, while I am trying to tone my pain down, I thought I would just ramble a bit. Below is a picture of my Saint Francis statue right beside the patio. Those are mixed sunflowers planted beside him. I can not wait to see them bloom. And in the pot is a blooming vine that I am looking forward to seeing get blooms on it. It is supposed to have red flowers that grow on this vine. But, anyway…the picture is a very relaxing picure to me and brings serenity and that helps with pain.

I was laying here thinking about dreams and about a friend of mine that told me she was too old to dream anymore and she is younger than me. I do not think there is an age limit on dreaming.  We might have a time limit (just kidding) but I think we can dream up until the day we leave this world.

I believe sometimes we set these ridiculous “rules” in place that I often wonder who made them. I remember when my children were little my father telling my son that little boys did not play with dolls. Meanwhile, three feet from him was his female cousin who was playing with the “boys” trucks. So, who set that rule?  Why not let little boys play with dolls? It might make them more in tune to children when they decide to have some.

Another one I was told when I turned thirty by a cousin was that once you were thirty you were not supposed to wear pants anymore…you were a mature lady. Ok, maybe I was the rebel growing up…and I am still growing up by the way…but who said we do not wear pants anymore and must wear a dress all the time? Sounded like another one of those dumb rules to me and of course I put on pants just to spite it too.

I got teased because I love dolls even now and have them in my room. Did you know I am too big to play with dolls?  Goodness, I did not. I just knew I got enjoyment of seeing them and putting them in different outfits to brighten my room. Wow, who made that rule? Well, guess they will be mad when they find out a friend sent me a girl reborn doll and it is due here tomorrow. Reborn dolls look and feel like a real baby. It is amazing. And when my pain is screaming, my reborn doll is a wonderful visualization tool to help me get through it. I hold him…Gabriel…and I sit and close my eyes and rock in the recliner and visualize the days when my boys were little or my Sweetpea and I rocked them. It takes me away from the pain and brings me joy. Guess the creator of the rule that says once you get my age you should not play with dolls never thought of that one, huh.

Now here are some “rules” that I can live by. They are not really rules but great quotes that lead the way for us if we allow them. Life is too short to be bogged down with senseless rules but too precious not to use wisdom along the way.

This first one is so true. It does not say do not depend at all. It says do not depend too much on others in this world. I have seen people become dependent emotionally on others and then when the times come where others are busy and they can not find anyone to come to help them through their emotional crisis, they become almost hysterical. I am proud of the friends and loved ones I have but I also am proud of the brain I have and that I can think and I can decide things on my own. We have to learn to self soothe ourselves for there will always be times when people are busy or not home and we have to deal with a crisis and if we do not know how to soothe ourselves so that we can handle it, then it will always be a traumatic experience.  People are human. They will always let us down at one time or another…not because they do not care but just because they ARE human.

I truly believe that life gives us back what we put into it. If we are kind and loving, then it will come back to us. If we are bitter and full of angst, that will come back too. I think if we stop before we spout off anything in anger or do anything in anger and make ourselves say one good thing…then it can set the tone for our day and we will find that saying ugly things are not really necessary.

I remember a friend from many years ago called zigi. She was a precious girl of about 17 but an old soul. She died young from her body being exposed to drugs too long. She had cleaned herself up and was living a wonderful life with a baby and husband but her past came back to haunt her and her kidneys failed.

When people would tell her how sweet she was or how kind, she would tell them that what they saw in her was what they were giving out. Now, I do not mean that syrupy fake sweet that some people do but the real genuine sweet…the kind of sweetness and kind heart that is authentic. Many did not get that. Those of us that thought she was sweet and loving were sweet and loving people. Those that did not like her and thought she was something else, they saw what was in their own hearts.

I believe life is too short to let all the garbage take over our lives. We have to pick what is the best and what is the most important. And once you discover that, then work towards that. From experience, I can tell you that life can change in the blink of an eye. I look back to when I first started getting sick…in my thirties. I was young and thought like so many do at that age, that we are invincible. What I learned young was that there are no guarantees in life and if you want to do this or that, then you better start trying it while you have the time.

Love from the depths of your heart. Yes, you may get hurt but the joy you feel while you are loving should make up for it. I told a friend once that was divorcing after twenty years and she wanted to wipe it all out to remember..that there were good moments in that twenty years. There were happy moments, moments of sharing and loving.  Do not turn them all into hate and anger. Take the good and cherish it. Just because you can not get along now does not mean that you must hate ever minute of the twenty years you had….or however many years.

Love, forgive…others and yourself, laugh, share, reach out, do for others, reach for your dreams no matter your age and most of all live with honesty and integrity. For if you do that…then you can face anything. All it takes is believing..in yourself.