Stark Reality In The Mirror
Ok, now I know why I hate mirrors. LOL Today was one of those stark reality times where it felt like someone stood me in front of a mirror and said “My gosh woman, do you not see all that is wrong with you???”.
The home health nurse came today and got me set up but it was one of those times where you had to listen to and confirm all the things you have wrong and all the things you can not do. Now, I am a positive person but even I can find my list of health issues daunting when they are all put in front of me. So, it became a time of quiet contemplation for me. I have spend the day thinking about it.
While some things like chronic pain can not be ignored, other health issues one becomes used to even though they limit you. For example, the oxygen hose I wear all the time is like wearing my clothes. I do not give it a second thought and yet when I am confronted with the facts of my breathing problems, I kind of scratch my head and go “oh, yeah….I remember now”.
As the nurse went down the list of why they are coming to me instead of me going to them, it brought to the forefront that I have not gone to a store and spent time wandering around…or riding around on my power chair…in four years…son does all the shopping and does it by phone with me to include me. He is great that way. The last time I went out to eat was when Mama came to visit and we went to the restaurant here in town and that was months and months ago. Those are things people just do and never think about not being able to do it until it hits.
While I do miss riding through Walmart and not shopping but just looking, I do not really miss eating out because ever time we eat out, I end up with stomach issues. My immune system is just not that strong. And yet, I do not think about these things very often for son here is a great cook and tries to cook special things to make eating a pleasure and he even comes in and we put a towel on the side of the bed and he brings his plate and mine and we have like a picnic. I love it.
Today I felt like I was stood in front of the mirror and all the things wrong brought to the forefront and I wanted to tell the nurse her “mirror” was like the one at the fun house and out of focus. I absolutely do not focus on all that is wrong with me and prefer my brain to be filled with all I can do instead of all I can not. I refuse to give up and let it overtake me. I will not go down without a fight.
I know I can not go places on my own, can not cook, can not do this or that but I prefer to keep at the front of my mind all the things I can do. I can write….I can draw..I can be on the internet and talk to people…I can take pictures…I can comfort others…I am still a worthy person. I find that many chronically ill people begin to feel like they are worthless because they can not do what they used to.
The one good thing that did come from today’s visit is son now has access to a 24 hour nurses number in case he has questions on my care. I am the most blessed person in the world to have my son take care of me and I realize that. I am also blessed to have the Long Term Care Program and Home Health and all the things like my hospital bed, oxygen, power chair, new walk in shower, etc. Life could be so much harder and I know it.
I get little comments at times from people who call me Pollyanna or tell me that they are putting me in charge of happiness but the fact is..I choose to be happy and I choose to be positive and I choose to not let my illnesses and disabilities strip me of these things. And when I look around our home and look at my room, I realize how much I love our home and I love my room. Are we rich? Not by a long shot at least not in money but we sure are rich in love, joy and happiness. And it is a choice.
And now…this is a part I always hate and yet I have some of you telling me to never feel shame in asking for if we do not ask, no one knows. We have a week full again of doctor appointments, which means gas money we do not have. I can not complain about the appointments and tests for I am finally getting good care but it is hard. The trip to Denver to the Jewish Hospital we are trying to get sponsored through a charity program but the next couple of weeks or so, is on us.
Someone just donated and we now have 30 dollars in paypal to put in the gas tank for Monday…I have two doctor appointments in two different places and then the hospital for the mammogram. So, if anyone has five or so dollars and is willing to donate, below is the link to the paypal account that is in my son’s name as he does the gas. Believe me when I say after a while, all those five dollar donations add up to just enough gas for us. Thank you to all who have helped us thus far. We could not have done it without you. I am humbled by your love and your caring and giving hearts.
Deb and son
2 Comments »
Leave a Reply
- Comfort foods
- Dreams for the future
- Eating Out
- Etta James
- Female Impersonators
- heart center
- helping others
- Native American
- New Year's Resolution
- Protection from fraud
- Rocky Mountains
- US Military