Stark Reality In The Mirror

Ok, now I know why I hate mirrors. LOL Today was one of those stark reality times where it felt like someone stood me in front of a mirror and said “My gosh woman, do you not see all that is wrong with you???”.

The home health nurse came today and got me set up but it was one of those times where you had to listen to and confirm all the things you have wrong and all the things you can not do. Now, I am a positive person but even I can find my list of health issues daunting when they are all put in front of me. So, it became a time of quiet contemplation for me. I have spend the day thinking about it.

While some things like chronic pain can not be ignored, other health issues one becomes used to even though they limit you. For example, the oxygen hose I wear all the time is like wearing my clothes. I do not give it a second thought and yet when I am confronted with the facts of my breathing problems, I kind of scratch my head and go “oh, yeah….I remember now”.

As the nurse went down the list of why they are coming to me instead of me going to them, it brought to the forefront that I have not gone to a store and spent time wandering around…or riding around on my power chair…in four years…son does all the shopping and does it by phone with me to include me. He is great that way. The last time I went out to eat was when Mama came to visit and we went to the restaurant here in town and that was months and months ago. Those are things people just do and never think about not being able to do it until it hits.

While I do miss riding through Walmart and not shopping but just looking, I do not really miss eating out because ever time we eat out, I end up with stomach issues. My immune system is just not that strong. And yet, I do not think about these things very often for son here is a great cook and tries to cook special things to make eating a pleasure and he even comes in and we put a towel on the side of the bed and he brings his plate and mine and we have like a picnic. I love it.

Today I felt like I was stood in front of the mirror and all the things wrong brought to the forefront and I wanted to tell the nurse her “mirror” was like the one at the fun house and out of focus. I absolutely do not focus on all that is wrong with me and prefer my brain to be filled with all I can do instead of all I can not. I refuse to give up and let it overtake me. I will not go down without a fight.

I know I can not go places on my own, can not cook, can not do this or that but I prefer to keep at the front of my mind all the things I can do. I can write….I can draw..I can be on the internet and talk to people…I can take pictures…I can comfort others…I am still a worthy person. I find that many chronically ill people begin to feel like they are worthless because they can not do what they used to.

The one good thing that did come from today’s visit is son now has access to a 24 hour nurses number in case he has questions on my care. I am the most blessed person in the world to have my son take care of me and I realize that. I am also blessed to have the Long Term Care Program and Home Health and all the things like my hospital bed, oxygen, power chair, new walk in shower, etc. Life could be so much harder and I know it.

I get little comments at times from people who call me Pollyanna or tell me that they are putting me in charge of happiness but the fact is..I choose to be happy and I choose to be positive and I choose to not let my illnesses and disabilities strip me of these things. And when I look around our home and look at my room, I realize how much I love our home and I love my room. Are we rich? Not by a long shot at least not in money but we sure are rich in love, joy and happiness. And it is a choice.

And now…this is a part I always hate and yet I have some of you telling me to never feel shame in asking for if we do not ask, no one knows. We have a week full again of doctor appointments, which means gas money we do not have. I can not complain about the appointments and tests for I am finally getting good care but it is hard. The trip to Denver to the Jewish Hospital we are trying to get sponsored through a charity program but the next couple of weeks or so, is on us.

Someone just donated and we now have 30 dollars in paypal to put in the gas tank for Monday…I have two doctor appointments in two different places and then the hospital for the mammogram. So, if anyone has five or so dollars and is willing to donate, below is the link to the paypal account that is in my son’s name as he does the gas. Believe me when I say after a while, all those five dollar donations add up to just enough gas for us. Thank you to all who have helped us thus far. We could not have done it without you. I am humbled by your love and your caring and giving hearts.

much love

Deb and son

http://workthedream.wordpress.com/paypal-donate/

2 Comments »

I can honestly say that today, I felt great sadness as I read of the mirror and the reality of that nurse visit… while I’ve never thought of you as Pollyanna or rose colored glasses, it had to hit HARD, to once again sit or lay in your bed with one you do not know as she listed, had you to listen, to speak with the long list of those things that have robbed you of the many and varied things that we all take advantage of in everyday steps and graces and joys along with those things we thing of as burdens or tolls of everyday life, rather than the blessed abilities and things that most do without thought needless to say without having to take to beds for days afterward as if paying for the pleasure of life’s simple enjoyment of a : ride, a trip to the store, the ability to dine out, or to take in a sunset or a fish jumping from the lake.. yes the mirror and the realities of all that you do and then to take the step to ask for what you so desperately need to get the care that your body is now in need of because the physicians are not local and require you to endure such long travel, with a loving son at the wheel … the wheel you used to sit behind and drive him so many places as now he drives you but with the need for gas, the need for a motel to rest your body for the next treatment to enhance your quality of such a beautfiul life with so much worth and value to so many and a laugh that lights a room with MOJO on and grace under fire, I am honored to call you my friend and pray that folks will dig deep for that dollar or many to help an old soul with such a sweet heart… May the Creator bless you with rainbows and all that you need to keep on keepin on… Hugs friend and love on the winds

Comment by SHERRY E SHOWALTER | October 28, 2012 | Reply
- thank you for your words dear friend. they touched my heart. I have once again filed that long list into that little cubbie way at the end of the hallway in my head and am back to doing what I do so well…acting like I am ok and just going my merry way. I find that not dwelling on that long list helps me to stay focused on what is important in life…loved ones…life…and precious moments. love to you dear friend. HUGS
  
  Comment by danLrene ©2011 | October 28, 2012 | Reply

About Me

NOTE: Subscribe box is down below the mountain picture.

Those that know me know that this red sparkly headband is symbolic. When they see the headband on me, they know I am fighting hard physically. It is my symbolic Samson’s hair. It is getting my mojo on and geared up for robo mom to once more fight a battle. And the headband is on now and will be on for a long time. I live with my son who is my caretaker and I am so blessed.

Me with mojo on.

And when things are toughest, I will resort to my dreams to keep me going.

I am 63 and will soon be 64. Life has been a journey of health issues since I was 32 and got sprayed by a crop duster. I have warrior attitude. Being a warrior does not mean you always win. It means you never quit trying. Life is what you make it and I choose to make mine as happy as possible no matter where I am in life.

I spend a lot of time on this hospital bed due to constant pain but I am just thankful I have the hospital bed to lay on. I am disabled but I don’t let that stop me from living life and enjoying it. Life is what we make it and I choose to make mine happy.

Meet Daisy..that we call Miss Daisy. Thanks to Jill, a very special friend who is also has a Rescue for pets called Three Sisters and a Brother in NC, Daisy was transported to us and what a delight she is. About ten pounds and full of energy and love and kisses.

My baby

photo0779

Son and Daisy

My world from my hospital bed-it is filled with warmth and love from so many.

I still dream of going back to Italy, of us having one of those mini buses with a lift for my chair that son can convert into a travel home for us to make it easier when I have to go to Denver for surgeries and stuff. I still dream of learning how to tap dance…yes even on these crutches just so I can say I did. All I need are a pair of size 11 tap shoes.

image from facebookemoticons123.blogspot.com

I draw, I paint, I write, I do photography…my latest love is the clouds for I see faces in the clouds all the time and have a blog at the top of the page entitled “Faces in the Clouds” I sit on a stool and help son cook…yes, often with him leaning over me to help me pour or stir but I get to do it. My philosophy is if you can’t do it one way…then create a new way. Son says I am the only person he knows that used their all terrain power chair like a back hoe…using a grain shovel and rake to move dirt or mulch in the garden. I would hold the handle between my legs and rake up the stuff on the two foot wide shovel and then go backwards dragging the shovel to where I wanted to dump it.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was told I was a dreamer. I can remember report cards with “day dreams” written on it. I think dreams are what keep us going. Without dreams…we have no hope.

Follow Your Dreams, The Siren Called Out To Me

As I closed my eyes and fell deep into lovely sleep.
The dream siren called me with a promise to keep

I closed my eyes and looked deep in my soul
I could feel the wind blowing…it was so very cold

My dreams I had carried through year after year
They will never come true was my biggest fear

Wandering up one lane and down another
Remembering my dream since I became a mother

Land, open land and a place to be free
A small house to live in with a big evergreen tree

We mounted the buckboard with all we owned inside
And started over the mountain on this crazy dream ride

We felt like pioneers racing to the finish line for land
And the whole time we knew -The Lord had our hand

So don’t be afraid to dream your dreams and try
Life is too short…open your wings up and fly

Dream I say and work the dream hard as you can
For it will be the best race that you ever ran.

We all have dreams of what we want out of life. I remember Laverne on Laverne and Laverne saying her dream was to have a purple cashmere sweater. Well, our dream is to own land in the country and have a simple life style unencumbered by so much of what is in the world today.

I love to write and have written for years. And hopefully will continue to write for many more years. My real name is Deb.

This blog is about our journey to get there, our life after we reached the promised land and different middle of the night ramblings. Dreams are like cooking…we might get our grandparents old recipes, but we tend to alter them to suit ourselves. But, dream we must…for as long as we have hope in life…we have dreams. And even plain ole everyday people get dreams that come true.

I hope you enjoy and will subscribe and share my journey. Come join us at the foothills of the mountains where we have found a life of simplicity and serenity, in spite of all the health trials of one disabled woman and the courage of a son that chose to take care of her.