Every had one of those days that just takes it all out of you. I am so tired. I feel totally depleted as if I have nothing left with which to work. Not to worry. I never give up but I do have a day here and there where I have to dig deep to find the strength to keep battling.
Life should not be a battle all the time. It should not be filled with pain and struggles all the time. It should not be filled with fighting for what is yours all the time. And when you are disabled, the battles are even harder at times. Sometimes it feels like it is a constant battle we have to just pull inside deep and hold on to that which keeps us going.
I have been battling the system on the other side of the mountain since we sold the house. We are talking over three months. Been stripped of dignity by someone who has misused their power and the battle seems to go on and on.
Today was some vindication when the judge asked what the deal was on my status and the woman said she apologized to me for the delay and told him that they did not know about the error until yesterday because of the fourth of July holiday. I won’t even comment on that but will let you form your own opinion. lol The judge did tell her that he would be having another phone session next week to make sure it was fixed. So, the judge has stood up for my rights just as Ken, the social worker here and the social services dept here has done trying to get me back on my program that I should never have been removed from.
And the adrenalin that I have been running on seemed to leave me and left me totally drained. And then filling out papers took what energy I had left. And I laid back here on the bed and just totally konked out and slept so hard I can’t seem to get focused. Ever have those days? Anyone? I know someone is out there. lol
And now, I asked my son for comfort food. I saw this on a blog and it just hit one of those sensory comfort things we remember from years ago. I want cinnamon toast. You know the butter the bread, sprinkle the cinnamon sugar on it and run under the broiler cinnamon toast.
Ever thought about how a “comfort thing” can make you feel a little pampered when things seem so rough? It could be a special bubble bath, lotion, tea, coffee, sweater, food…something that always makes you feel good like those old pair of jeans that fit just right. That and loved ones that seem to be there reaching out a hand or a shoulder and letting us know we are loved help us on this journey. And those fur babies who just seem to know when we are struggling, help to comfort us and give us joy. Jack has stayed close to my bed, where he can watch me and just refused to move. Oh I love that boy.
Always remember…things always look better in the morning after a good nights sleep and that is exactly what I intend to do. Sleep sleep sleep. Oh and before I forget, today I looked out at all the spirit clouds and saw angels all in the clouds. And I mean bunches of them. Even my son, who does not cloud watch, was saying OMG look at all the angels mom.
I have decided that moving is like doing an aerobic workout. You work until the “burn” hits and then you collapse until you can do it again. Son and I realized we have been doing this for two years. We started the day we put the house on the market. That began an aerobic workout that lasted months and consisted of doing upgrades and repairs. But, it paid off for the house sold. So, we worked for a month and then packed and moved and are working again. A two-year aerobic workout of moving and repairs.
It has now gotten to the point we are still working hard on this dream but boxes we are opening are like having Christmas early..things we have not seen in two years. Oh the joy and ecstasy of seeing these things again. I was so tickled to find my bear welcome plaque that son bought me a couple of years ago. It is cast iron and looks great on the front door.
Son and I went to the storage unit and he loaded a bunch of boxes and we came home to dive into memory lane. Our living room is now set up with the frame for the day bed and it looks so nice. You have seen the dining room all fixed…here is the living room.
And our fifteen dollar end table. We love it cause it has a huge storage capacity underneath for games, etc.
And those french cleats on the book shelves are wonderful. You see what all is on those shelves and they are holding tight. Son was pretty smart on that. HE has one more bookshelf to put up and then unload more boxes of books.
If was fun looking through the boxes and seeing all the treasures. My linen napkins, dishes, son’s fireman collection, gold watch, lanterns…just treasures we have not seen in two years. So all the agony work was made worthwhile with the ecstasy of opening the boxes and seeing the treasures.
My artwork supplies, my angels, son found so many treasures..God has been so good to us. We are truly blessed. Our motto now is ” a place for everything and everything in it’s place” and so we are making sure that everything has a “home”. If it has a place, then the clutter bug does not hit so often.
Well, found out a little while ago that the woman on the other side of the mountain did NOT open my case again and so we will have the hearing tomorrow. I do not know what her issues are. They transferred it without opening it. Now, I could reapply and start a new process which would mean I would be without medical coverage for a couple more months. What is wrong with these people who are supposed to be advocates for the sick, elderly and disabled?
Wow, woke up with horrible muscle spasms in my legs. This is when I sound like one of the horror movies as I try to walk with crutches and one leg just won’t work. Son says I do the “thump” ”thump” “drag” sound. Once the spasms let go, I can laugh about it. But until then, is no laughing matter.
I kept dreaming a dream of jury duty, Casey Anthony and other trials. Now, I know this trial is a civil case and not a long trial but it sure was a crazy dream time. I was probably as shocked as everyone else with the Casey Anthony outcome but trials of late have me worried about our jury system. I see Juries trying to “make a statement” when their job is to uphold the law and carry out the judicial system. I see Juries who convict because they didn’t like the person got off the time before, even if there were not enough evidence. So, my faith in this system is really low. Perhaps this is why I feel obligated to go down there for jury selection.
Is nice to wake up with a cool house. We got our electric bill from the month of the 5000 BTU air condition and swamp cooler running. It was 250.00. I was not surprised for that little AC would not even shut the compressor off as it could not cool the house. Next month will tell us a lot. But meanwhile, I am where my eyes are clear and I can breathe without struggling so.
I hear Jack over there snoring. He raised his head up once as if to say “Mom, what are you doing” as I thump thump dragged around the room and out into the LR and Kitchen. Waking to such severe pain on the inner thighs is like waking up in hell and you can’t get your brain cleared enough to think. Thank God, I have reflex that helps propel me from the bed and onto the crutches for that is all that will get that part of my spine to release the pressure on those nerves.
I love the quietness of this house. I have learned through the years that there are certain things that accelerate my pain and noise is one. Bright lights and crowds are others. So, the peace in this house as we get it set up is so nice. I actually sat in the recliner in the living room last nite and son and I just talked. A long time coming that was. It is a joy to use all of the house for the first time in years.
And the red headband is still on and I am still in fight to survive mode. Is how I keep rocking and rolling. How I keep from giving up and just quitting. I am too stubborn to just lay back and do nothing. And besides that…there are dreams to work. So, back down for hopefully a couple more hours sleep before that trip to the courthouse and that ride on that magical metal lift up those courthouse steps as they sure are a climb. I know..I did it yesterday..probably the reason for the spasms tonite. And as son says, my guardian angel was right behind me to keep me from falling up or down those brick steps. And they were not even yellow bricks like in the Oz.
Life can go along moving fairly smoothly and then suddenly….everything happens at once. I am to report for jury duty tomorrow. OMG ..me in jury duty. Son took me to check out the courtroom to see if I could even stand to sit there.
Over the mountain, I had a medical release but don’t have time to get one from here from the doctor’s office. They told me not to worry, that with only six jurors on this trial that they could move the chairs to make room for my poor ole legs.
Now, I really do not have what it takes physically to sit all day in a jury box. I do, however, believe being on the jury is a civic duty and an honorable thing to do and something everyone should do. We complain that certain groups are doing this or that but we don’t step up to the plate.
I am going and will tell them I will sit if they want me to as long as I do not have to be there on friday, as that is when my hearing is. So, down to the Huerfano County Court house and first thing..stairs..omg. And then an elevator that looks like something from a Betty Davis movie with the metal screen type door. I kept looking for some birds or something to come swooping in. LOL
And behind this door, is the creepy elevator that has a steel grate door and is so tiny two people are about all it holds.
And if you have never received a jury summons, this is what one looks like.
So, now in the morning I have to report for jury duty selection. They say that takes til noon and then the court case is Thursday. My problem is, I also have my hearing with the appeals judge on my medical on friday, so what if the case goes over? And to top it off, a friend called and asked son did he want to come fill in a couple of days for him. Son said yes, but then found out it means staying over nite and two days of work. I told him we would be fine. But, he does not like to leave me to fend for myself. We will figure it out. Two days I think I can handle. Hardest part will be nites for me. But what about jury duty? What about Jack, who will watch him during the day? LOL oh my, gonna be a complicated couple of days. And I CAN’T miss that hearing here at the house.
So, on the way home, son stopped and picked up a couple of things from storage and brought an end table to go between the recliners. And the Living room is just about done except for painting. I sure do hate that green color on those bookshelves. He unloaded five boxes of movies to go on the shelves and I guess those french cleats really do work cause the unit is still up on the wall.
Now just envision those shelves a glossy off white and it will look really sharp. And he brought his DVD cabinet and for now..it sits under the window between Mimi’s rocker and Papa’s chair. And that is an exhausted son with his foot showing in the picture above. Excuse all the junk in the rocker and little green chair.
And so, could life get anymore complicated and if today put me in the bed, just going to the court-house ..what will staying there all day too. But, all things will work out in time.
And my youngest son was diagnosed with a form of MS. Here his mother, me, has been disabled since I was in my early 40′s and now my youngest son is diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. Both my son’s have health issues and suffer a lot of pain…too much like their mother. And Ironically, both have had horrible leg pain like their mother. I pray they do not hear what I did hearing comments to diminish what I had or imply I was not really sick. Autoimmune disorders take up to seven or eight years to diagnose because they resemble so many other things.
Unfortunately, because autoimmune disorders take time to diagnose and many self-appointed judges who are what I call “medical computer guru’s” who look up another persona’s symptoms, etc and have no idea what is really wrong and are too quick to say “oh it is nothing”. They have no idea the damage they do when a person suffers with pain and are made to feel like they are faking. My son went to Mayo. I wish I had many years back. I don’t have to worry about it now, for my health issues are too obvious. What I tell people now…”you know what is wrong, your doctor knows what is wrong…you don’t have to prove to anyone else”.
And now, I need to shower, fill out a juror form, figure out how we are gonna work son going on this job and me going to jury duty and coming home and all of that. Not to worry…this hinney is part good year and part dupont…..we always bounce. And besides that, our guardian angel always watches over us.
And this my friends, is a sign that I am in fight mode. It is my “shield” I put on when I am hurting so bad, or feel like I just can’t take one more thing, or the stress is too high…it is my “wonder woman” headband as son calls it. I have done this for years and those closest to me know what it means. One friend even sent me a wonder woman doll that she got a guy at a bar, who won it in one of those machines that has a crane in it, to sell to her. She understood what it meant to put your symbol of fighting on. We all have something we use. And so, I am in fight mode
As I was sitting in my room last nite and looking out into the other part of the house, I was hit with overwhelming emotion…of feeling such strong feelings of joy that is hard to explain. We have worked for several years to reach this point. No, the dream is not done and we are still working hard every day, but a huge part of the dream has unfolded.
Sometimes the journey has been really hard for me, especially the part of all the work in this house and moving stuff. I came to tears the other nite telling my other son back east how frustrated I felt that I could not help son here like I used to. I can’t do the work I used to do and so the burden is on him alone. I try and I do what I can but the truth is, I can’t do a lot and so he works himself into exhausted sleep trying to get it all done and it never seems to end right now.
The roof needs the shingles on, the storage units need combining, the book shelves need putting up on the wall, the yard needs mowing and the list goes on. And that is when my disabilities bother me. When in my all terrain scooter, I could help do things outside if nothing more than be the “go-for” person to save him some steps. Now, to make you laugh, you have seen nothing until you see a man on a ladder coming off the roof and a woman on forearm crutches holding the ladder for him so it does not fall on this small concrete porch. I am sure he feels really secure. LOL
I am disabled with limited mobility and the house on the other side of the mountain was twice this size. I spent most of my time in my room because the hallway was so long to get to the kitchen and living room that some days it was too hard to make walking and since I try so hard to stay on my feet, it kept me limited in my scope of the house.
And last nite, as I was staring out the door, I got up and walked to the door and the full realization hit me that this part of the dream is finally here. I no longer live just in my bedroom. Everything is right outside my door within close range. This pic is looking through my doorway. See how close the kitchen is. And the second picture shows how close my coffee pot is.
And the living room and dining room are just steps away, not down a long hallway. Again this first picture is taken standing inside my bedroom door and looking through.
And the LR is just around the corner. So, I am able to live in all this house. The emotions of that realization is huge for someone disabled. Our world becomes smaller by our disabilities if we don’t have the assistive devices we need….like my good scooter. One day I will have that scooter repaired and can be part of the community and go to the library on my own or the museum. But, for now this house is perfect for me. It is laid out in such a way that it makes it possible for me to live in all of it. That is a dream come true. It is the kind of home I always wanted as far as the lay out…and each day, it becomes more and more the best home ever.
And so last nite, I was overwhelmed with emotions of realizing that this part of the dream has been reached. I am home. We are home. No, it is not and never will be my mountains, but it is home. The Creator, our God, knows better than us where we should be. It took us time to get here and sometimes time is in preparing us, to allow us to lessen our grip on the material and old life and allow us to accept a more simpler way of life. And I am so ever-blessed and my heart is full.
And yesterday was a day of being more leisurely. I got to do something I love to do…take pictures. My birds are too smart and had to sit in carport so they would not fly away. And I got to take great pics of the clouds out here…I love the clouds…they speak volumes of heaven and sometimes, the heavenly come down and view our world. and I love it.
OK, I am officially awaiting my statue to be erected honoring me for now this little town will have better cable and internet. Amazing how much persistence pays off. Seriously, today is the first day I have stayed on-line all day. OMG…I kept pinching myself to make sure it was real.
Today has been a day so mixed up that we felt like we had been run through a ringer. First the lawyer wakes me up to tell me he will be here between two and three this afternoon to discuss the case. Then we threw ourselves into cleaning the kitchen and breakfast nook so that it was at least one area that was clean. Oh yes, I am a happy camper with this kitchen counter. Does this even look like the cluttered, box filled space as last nite?
Son and I both worked to clean up and get ready for him to bring the oak cabinet, which is really a TV cabinet but we wanted it for storage and to put the pink dishes. When things are neat, then I can relax. This is a much smaller house and so we have learned …a place for everything and everything in its place.
When we moved out here, we came through the reservation and stopped at a pottery store there. This is where we found the horse hair pottery and I got each of my son’s a piece. This is the bear piece and the picture does not do it justice.
I had never heard of Horse hair pottery until we were at the reservation but it is so unique and so beautiful. Here is a website that specializes in Horse Hair pottery
The site says:
” The ancient Indian tribes made this pottery to honor a favorite horse or to celebrate the birth of a horse. It is said that this pottery was first created when a long-haired maiden was removing hot pottery from her kiln and the wind blew her hair onto the hot pot and burned the hair into the pottery. The pottery is poured, fired for a period of time after which it is removed from the kiln, hair from the mane and the tail of a horse are draped on the pottery. The hair creates the dark lines and the smoke from the burning hair creates the cloudy grey areas. The pottery is then returned to the kiln where it finishes firing. When the firing is complete, the pottery is removed from the kiln, etched and spray-glazed.”
I so loved going on the reservation and so many wore their native dress and I could have sat for hours just watching the people and talking to them.
Since our goal is to live simpler, we are cleaning out as we go and carried a van load to the guys at the Rio to plunder through and get what they want and then they can use the rest in their yard sales they have. It was so nice to see them. I miss sitting out there, looking at my mountains and talking to them. The Rio Cucharas is so peaceful like our home is. Here is a couple of pictures showing snow on the mountain tops. We are down lover and it is 57 degrees at nite.
I had to laugh at son yesterday, for he keeps saying…I think this is the end of the yard stuff and statues and then one more box shows up. I love my little yard critters and when we get some grass in there…not the scraggle stuff we have now, it will look so nice. We found our great big pots and I am going to put some tomato plants in there for the summer as we have too much to do and I just can’t see us getting the garden started. They used fill dirt to make these levels and it is rocky dirt and not good growing dirt.
I wondered about the ancestors as they plowed to get their crops growing, pushing that plow behind the mule. Was it this rocky for them? We hope before next planting season to have a dump truck load of top soil brought in and son wants to build raised beds to grow our vegetables in.
Anyway, the umbrella was found for the little boy and girl fountain statue, and all the other little cute critters are put out in the yard. Missing that I can remember is a concrete duck with babies. Also son got up all the chimes, the humming-bird feeder and got all the pots out. Below are pictures of all my critters. Just pretend there is nice green grass. Ha ha We also have already growing a huge gourd plant on the side of the house at son’s end. The previous owner must have grown them and they come back wild. And I found all my angels for the yard that go in pots and on the table. I do believe in angels.
For some reason, Jack has become attached to the concrete turtle by the butterfly bush. That is where he likes to lay now and he runs straight out to it when he goes outside. I don’t know if he thinks it is real or what. It is so cute.
My garden fairy
My hillbilly girl
My big flower pots and my swan.
Son putting up the hummingbird feeder and the chimes. We now have this melodic symphony of sounds in our back yard. I love it.
And the most exciting thing for me today, was seeing the dining room begin to come together. Hopefully tomorrow the boxes on the dinner table and under the bar will be gone and the whole thing will be set up.
And last, but definitely not least…the lawyer came today to set up the plan for the phone conference hearing next Wednesday. This will be a first for me but he seemed to think we would have no problems. I hope so. I am ready for this to be resolved. Now that is a dream all its own.
So, it has been a full day, with lots going on and one of much accomplishment. I love watching this dream unfold. It is a lot of hard work but work done with so much love that this house just has an aura about it that is one of peace in spite of all the clutter right now. And now it is three in the morning and I am ready to sleep again. Our goal is to work inside this house today and not haul anymore over until what is here is put up.
So, I lay here listening to the fan humming, to jack snoring and to the chimes making their little melodic sounds and can almost hear the street caller shout out ”three AM and all is well.”
- Comfort foods
- Dreams for the future
- Eating Out
- Etta James
- Female Impersonators
- heart center
- helping others
- New Year's Resolution
- Protection from fraud
- Rocky Mountains
- US Military