♫♫ He Fought The Drill and the Drill Won♫♫

We changed son’s bandage today now that the bleeding is under control. I had to laugh cause he looked at me and said “is orange all we have for the covering??? And with smilie faces no less”  but it was all I had of that sticky wrap that holds your bandage in place. It looks so big cause we padded it so that if he bumped it, it would not hurt so bad. And we had to go around his wrist to keep it from sliding off. The screw went in the top by the nail and out the bottom and then ripped the flesh pulling out the side.  It makes me cringe cause it looks so bad.

So, after I finished bandaging his thumb, I looked at him and started singing   ♫♫ you fought the drill and the drill won ♫♫.  He just looked at me and said “you are getting me back for singing  ♫♫ I’ve seen the light” ♫♫ when Jack raised the hospital bed on you and you thought God had come to get you…aren’t ya”. I had to laugh. Good thing we have sense of humors alike.

I Still Got The Moves…an Illuminating Night

Did you know that adrenalin can cause great things to happen and show us that under the power of adrenalin we can do things we thought were impossible. LOL  I am here to tell you that the last thing a person on oxygen wants to see in the dark is sparks near them.  And the reaction can be quite comical if it were not so scary.

I love my fleece blankets. They are the only covers that do not hurt me and sent to me by a dear friend. I knew that on some days when the weather was just right, static would occur and has in the past. Last nite, I was laying there with my little ear piece in my ear watching a tv show and pulled my covers to re-adjust them and heard “pop…pop…pop”  in the ear piece and saw sparks on the covers.

My first thought was omg the oxygen is going to get it. I threw the cover back in a rush of adrenalin and was on those forearm crutches beating a path fast as I could go past the end of the hospital bed when suddenly I felt this force snatch me back and I landed flat on my back with my arms still encased in the forearm crutches and my legs all waving in the air. I looked something like a turtle flipped on it’s back with it’s arms waving in the breeze.

It took me a few minutes to realize it was my oxygen hose, still on my face that snatched me back on the bed. I have come to realize those things can really stretch and have a lot of strength like a bungie cord. LOL  I felt like I was in a cartoon doing the impossible.

After I got my senses, I started giggling and all the commotion must have alerted son for he was standing at my door and saw me doing the “turtle dance” and giggling almost hysterically from release of adrenalin and asked me what I was doing now?  When I told him, he started laughing and then said “maybe that is number three”.

I learned that adrenalin can make me move faster than I ever have. I think I dove into the forearm crutches for I do not even remember putting them on my arms. I don’t know how long the whole thing lasted but it felt like only a few seconds.  Now I know how mothers have lifted cars off their children and other heroic feats. Too bad they can not channel it into a way to help disabled people do more. I also noticed that my pain level was down for a while after.

Meanwhile, I will take my fleece covers and throw them in the dryer with some dryer sheets to remove that static as I still don’t want sparks around my oxygen hose. And although the experience was “illuminating” to say the least, I feel really drained….must be the effects of using all that adrenalin and now it is gone.

Do Things Always Come In Threes And Has Anyone Seen My Oasis?

“Come to the edge.”
“We can’t. We’re afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can’t. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire,   1880-1918

If you expect life to be simple and calm….don’t. I have learned that it is a roller coaster at times and sometimes you just have to hold on and pray. And if you get too tired, just lay down in the seat, for it will still zoom you along whether you want to go or not.

I am sitting here wondering if things always come in threes. I sure hope not because two in two days is enough. Last nite son fell on the ice and tore his knee open and banged it up pretty bad.  That was one. Now, he just hollers to me and says bring the medicine box. I go in the kitchen and he is leaning over the sink and blood is going everywhere and I look at his hand and the end of his thumb has a huge jagged place where a screw went into his thumb and came out and tore on the bottom side. Ugly let me tell you.  That is two. I really don’t want three. LOL  Good thing we have three medical boxes from son being a First Responder.

I looked outside today. First time in a while and the snow is still here. It has been bitter cold but sunny so I guess the snow will take a while melting.

This is the flat areas. We have piles still from where son shoveled and had to put the snow somewhere. Those will take a lot longer to melt. But I still love the snow. It is so beautiful to me.

According to the weather, we have cold and sunny for the next few days. So we will see if the sun melts this snow away. Good news is we have had a lot of snow and that is good for our water levels and the drought problems we have in the summers.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.  Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.     

Ayn Rand

Sometimes I lay in the dark and feel the cool breeze of the fan and close my eyes just for a while, weary from the battle. But I have always been a warrior and I have always fought when everyone else said give up and I continue to do so. I think perhaps I finally got that through to the Social Worker who is helping me convince the doctors that I can not make five trips up to Denver to do this, that I need it all put in one lump visit and that I need to wait until January so that financially I am a little better and physically I have recovered from the cath, the flu and the biopsy. My body is weary…my courage is not and I know what it takes for me to fight.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

  Dale Carnegie

When you think you can’t take another step, just know that you can. It might be hard. It may even be lonely or feel lonely, but you can.  The decision is…do you want to stop now and rest or do you want to keep fighting…and sometimes…you can do both. We all have within a warrior somewhere…and it will come out when you least expect.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

How To Use A Pain Scale Chart

I first was given a pain scale chart about fifteen years ago. I thought if you didn’t put a high number it meant you had no pain. I didn’t know how to read a pain scale chart and believe me when I tell you, that if you don’t follow it like it is intended….doctors will think you are faking. If you tell them on a pain scale chart that is 1-10 that your pain is a 30….the doctors will start disbelieving you have any pain.

I was fortunate some years ago to have a pain management doctor who gave me a chart similar to this one. He explained step by step but the chart also described what is meant by each number. It made it so much easier to tell them my real pain once I learned this chart. He was the doctor that was helping me with my disability claim.

This chart comes from 
http://www.tipna.org/info/documents/ComparativePainScale.htm
  and is typical of most detailed pain charts you see. Mayo Clinic Chronic Pain lists their pain scale like this:

0-1 No pain
2-3 Mild pain
4-5 Discomforting – moderate pain
6-7 Distressing – severe pain
8-9 Intense – very severe pain
10 Unbearable pain

According to Jack Harich….”One complaint about this scale is “Patients tend to use the middle words and thus distort the assessment.”   So, they made a more comprehensive scale so that patients truly understood what the pain scale meant. This scale helped me give my doctors a better analysis of my pain. It also helped me with my disability claim for I could accurately tell them my pain scale. This is very important if you want help managing your pain.My pain management doctor told me the pain scales were created to get an accurate view of a patient’s pain so that it could be treated and helped.

Here is the detailed pain scale:

The Comparative Pain Scale

By Jack Harich – July 14, 2002

I had to laugh the first time I read a comprehensive pain scale for I realized that my idea that a pain level of 5 was nothing or just ‘normal” pain was so far from the truth it was laughable. A pain level of 5 is :

Strong, deep, piercing pain, such as a sprained ankle when you stand on it wrong, or mild back pain. Not only do you notice the pain all the time, you are now so preoccupied with managing it that you normal lifestyle is curtailed. Temporary personality disorders are frequent.

That doesn’t sound like nothing, does it. You are so preoccupied with curtailing this pain of level 5 that your normal lifestyle is curtailed. I realized then that a pain level of five was significant.

I remember thinking that if I did not put a high number…no one would listen to me and the truth of the matter was….they were not listening because I was not showing the signs of someone suffering with pain levels of 7 and 8 at that time.  It was not until I had kidney surgery about three years ago that I realized just how close this scale runs to the truth. I had a pain level of an honest 8 after kidney surgery …..and that was with pain meds. I was in so much pain I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could barely walk..with help to the bathroom, I could not fix my food, nothing….and because of this I lost around 36 pounds in 30 days. That is how drastically that pain level affected me.

Now, my reason for posting this. If you want doctors to believe you…..truly follow the pain scale. Don’t base it on how much pain you can endure…base it on what it does to you physically…how it limits you….for that is what the doctors look at.  It may seem like your pain is just going through the roof…but if it does not limit you, or does not affect you in the ways the chart says, then look at the different levels and see what does.

I have learned to judge my pain level well…after years of chronic pain that has debilitated me. But, the first few years, I went through hell because I did not know how to talk to the doctors and make them understand. I did not know how to use a pain scale accurately and have it show that I indeed was being affected by my pain. And I did not realize that a pain level of five and six are high pains and not anything to take lightly. Therefore, they were not treating my pain like they should.

It is all in knowing the way the scale works and realizing that what we view as distressing pain is a five or six…and that these numbers do show high pain. So, try looking at the chart and rating your pain sometime by the description. We don’t get points for being able to tolerate the pain unfortunately….it is all based on what it does to us. What debilitated me may not be what debilitated you and doctors look at that. And they are keenly observant and notice things that give signs of distress.

Don’t let your pain rule you. Learn how to talk about your pain and what to tell your doctor it is doing…not just a number…but the words…so that they hear you and believe you.

My Son’s book on alternative things to do for pain. I am so proud of him. He is my caretaker. He and Dr. Sherry E. Showalter joined forces to try to help those with pain. He writes under the name “John Argent” and is now working on a crime novel. The pain book is on Amazon.

CHRONIC PAIN: Hand In Hand: Ideas to Make Living With Chronic Pain Easier (Volume 1): Dr. Sherry E. Showalter, John Argent: 9781478304593: Amazon.com: Books

 

When All Else Fails, Add Some Lights To Your LIfe

Son and I both say we are survivors and we are. But we also have learned how to be adaptable and it takes that in life today. If we can’t do it one way, we figure out another.

I have found that being disabled and being down and out are two different things.  Do I have days where I feel like just laying here and not doing anything. Oh yeah. I am human. Shhh don’t tell anyone. It is only on months with 31 days that I am human. LOL. But I also am a proverbial Pollyanna and look for the bright side of things.

Son today decided to finish putting stuff up in my room since I will be spending even more time here after the surgery. We have learned that lights like Christmas lights can add so much to how a room feels. That is when I learned that no matter what your house looks like, if you just add some little lights the whole mood changes.

So, am going to first show you that even being disabled does not mean that you can’t do. I am laying here now typing on my tummy. Many think I joke when I say that but it is true. Sometimes sitting is very hard for me. Here is one picture showing me on my bed and typing with a pillow on my tummy.

And when laying on my back gets tiring, I type like this. Believe me when I say…where there is a will…there is a way.

Is it like everyone else? NO, but life would be boring if we were all alike.   And it gets the job done.

So, anyway, son wanted my room to be bright and cheery and with all the things I love. I have wind chimes, cause I must have a fan blowing all the time, I have lights two special friends  sent me hanging in the corner to make it look warm and cozy and my favorite box-tree sitting on Jack’s hut. I have crystals hanging on my beautiful ceiling light that Mama gave me, a special quilt a friend made me hanging on the wall where my monitors sit and son put my angel doll and bear up high so I could see them. There is a recliner in here that mama sat on to watch tv with me and son comes in and sits and talks and visits. Life is so nice. Yes this is my world, but look how warm and cozy it is.

If you look, you will see Jack in his hut under the tree all lit up.

The beauty of my room is that it is not rich or expensive…in money. It is rich in love in things people have sent me and in the love my son put into making my little world bright and joyful.  I love the little lights for they just warm a room right up and make it seem so magical.

Son also got the living room Indian stuff put up on the wall. It looks so great. I love the Indian head we found at the reservation. And all the other stuff.

We are not rich, we don’t own a lot of expensive stuff…but we are by far richer in love and joy and happiness than I could ever ask for. So, when all else fails…..add some little lights to your space and make it sparkle.

Pleasing Scents and Healing

Pleasing aromas have been shown to help promote healing. I have believed in this for a long time and due to my being so sensory, I use smells, tastes, sounds, etc to help me in times of high pain.

“By Triggering comforting memories, scents help turn on the brain’s relaxation response and lower the stress response.”

Esther M. Sternberg, MD

I was reading in the doctor’s office yesterday and did the unthinkable. I ripped out a page from a magazine. I wanted this article so badly so that I could use it today. Dr. Sternberg talks about how scents can take us back to a place in our life that is filled with comfort, safety, joy, happiness and it helps us leave the space we are in at the moment that is causing us pain, grief, etc.

Certain smells take me back in time. Old Spice Cologne reminds me of my Uncle Jack. He was the sweetest most loving man and those thoughts take me to a time of fun with him.  Juicy Fruit gum reminds me my grandmother, Mimi and the fun we had at her house.  The smell of turkey takes me to happy holiday times.

I have a “scent box” that I keep all sorts of lotions, perfumes etc in. I pull it out when I need to distract myself and start opening the bottles one by one and let my mind flow over the memories.

Certain aromas are known for relaxation. Lavendar,  for example,helps one sleep and helps lower pain. This is probably why the candle industry does so well.  According to Dr. Sternberg, Frankincense has properties in it that help the immune system and even been shown to reduce inflammation. I think I will buy some for I have autoimmune disorders.

Dr. Sternberg says:

“When odor molecules reach the olfactory organ at the top of the nose, they activate a direct nerve pathway to memory and emotion centers in the brain, so smells and tastes quickly spark memories  that can influence your mood.”

I find that when certain scents hit me, I am more relaxed and less stressed. This helps my pain to lower. I also find that memories…those joyful, pleasant memories help me when I am fighting health issues or pain is so high.

I believe in filling up our brains with wonderful memories and holding on to them for it is like this huge album when one is down or sick to help get through the moment.

For me, cologne, candles, after shave, lotions all have an effect on me. So does, the smell of food cooking. Tangerines take me to Christmas. Thanksgiving smells and Christmas smells are especially nice. Son always asks me to make the pumpkin pies ON Thanksgiving day because he loves to smell them cooking.

So, I decided to take a moment to write down smells that particularly take me to pleasant moments. The smell of baby powder takes me to when my boys were little and the joy that they brought to my life. Smells of my loved ones..their colognes, their lotions, etc bring pleasant memories. I love the smell of wood in the lumbar yard. I don’t know why but it is something that brings me comfort.

I think sometimes we have to direct ourselves to the smells and tastes and memories. I lay here sometimes and just think about good things and take a walk down the memory lane, filling my heart and soul and senses up.

Have you ever thought about smells and tastes and the memories they evoke? Too bad they don’t make a “Scent Book” for adults.

Loved Ones Come In All Shapes and Sizes

ohh I feel like that old wagon I talk about our ancestors used….creak, groan, moan…omg.  But happy news is I smell the coffee…oh yes.  I started my day with this view. Is it not phenomenal.

And as the minutes passed by to this:

What a glorious way to start the day. Remember, in spite of all, there is still beauty in your life. Just open your eyes and allow yourself to see it. My pain is screaming right now but this view out my backdoor transported me for a bit away from the pain.

And then this sweet boy  made me laugh when I got his coat and said  “ready to go potty” and I got the look below that says:

“you want me to go out there in the cold and do what????”

Life is full of so many blessings that can bring joy to your life. I am touched by loved ones who constantly amaze me by their love and support. My family consists of blood family and of friends that have become as close as family you were born to.

I am blessed by Mama, who as I have said is my aunt. But, when my mother died, she told us kids she would be our mama and she and I joke and say guess I was the only one that still needed a Mama cause I took her up on it. And she is Grammie to son. Even Jack gets in on it. Here he is with his Grammie petting him and he is laying on her feet the last nite she was here. It was like he knew she was leaving. She petted him constantly and he loves her so.

I am so blessed by the people who love me. It is not the number that matters. I have a quote that says

  “I don’t need a certain number of loved ones, just a number of love ones I can be certain of.”.

And these loved ones I can count on to be there with love, support, gentle words, pushing when needed and letting me know I am not alone. Those closest to me I sure can count on. They give that love and understand that is so important and surprises along the way that make me feel doubly blessed.

I have two loved ones that could not be here in person to hug me and bring light into my world after receiving the kidney surgery news and then the heart Catherization news, that they sent me a box of lights to brighten up my world. Are they not gorgeous.

Now, who could not smile seeing theses all lit up?

Or the loved one who sent a box with two bags of homemade biscotti and bags of coffee to share while Mama was here.

Or the loved one that flies from states away to be here for my Tests and doctor stuff going on, holding my hand, hugging me, smoothing my hair and taking care of me when I was so sick after.

Or the loved one that Skypes me late at nite just so they can see how I am and talks and talks with me allowing me to express my fears while seeing them on the computer cam. Skype is wonderful and like having a person right there in your room. One need never feel alone again with Skype.

Or the loved one that messages me every morning and asks me how I am and tells me they love me.

Or the loved one that sent me a little tiny pocket bear for healing.

Or the loved one that sent me soft blankets because they knew how much pain I live in and they feel so good.

Or the loved one that sent me pictures to take me traveling to far away places and shared with me such a spiritual journey that seemed to be a message for me of hope.

How blessed I am.

When I look up in the sky, I am never amazed but realize also how close we really are. The same moon shines on me as you. I loved these pictures. The first one is the last nite Mama was here. The second one is the moon in the gorgeous Colorado blue sky.

I have learned that the first thing we do when we get hard news or something scary or bad happens is to shut down our feelings for it is overload. I have learned to allow myself to feel. That is hard for many because many people can not handle upsetting things. For me, to be able to talk about it and sort and analyze is important. That coupled with the love and support of others, sipping that great coffee or dipping that piece of biscotti into my coffee as I mull things over helps a lot. And when it gets too stressful, I turn on those gorgeous lights, wrap up in my Blue blanket sent to me, message a loved one and just let myself be transported to a place of comfort and love.

Sometimes it seems so dark and we fail to see the bright spots in our lives. They are there. It is just that sometimes, the darkness is all we can see. Just look for the brighter happier things, like the antics of your pet, the sweetness of a loved one, the beauty outside your door or even in your house. And be thankful. Life does not always give us what we want but how we see life and react to it, is up to us.

If you only have one person that shows you love and support….you are still blessed beyond belief. I can not imagine going through theses things with no one. Sometimes we push away the very ones that will support us and make ourselves alone. Look around…allow people to be there for you. Allow them to have the joy of being there for you and feel the blessing.

Self Soothing

I had never heard this term used before until the past few years when I was doing a class for early childhood for my teaching certificate. Most of us either learn how to self sooth or fail to learn how to self sooth as babies.

“SELF-SOOTHING has to do with comforting, nurturing and being kind to yourself. One way to think of this is to think of ways of soothing each of your five senses.”

The baby in the crib that is fed, changed, etc but still not content has not learned how to self sooth and how to distract himself. And often, we set the pace for them by picking them up every time they make a sound. And, as adults, we sometimes perpetuate this by never wanting our children to have to deal with anything painful or sad and then they become adults who do not know how to self sooth.

Photo from the “Age-by-Age Sleep Training Guide by Cara Birnbaum

Babies do things like suck their thumbs to self soothe.  Many times adults do things that are harmful to self soothe, like drinking or over eating. So, what happens if we never learn how to self soothe by the time we are adults?  What happens if we don’t know how to handle painful things, disappointment, sadness, and other emotions? And what causes us to never learn this?

As I lay here thinking about all this and reading some on the internet, I realized that when we as parents try to make life nothing but “happy happy” for our children and never let them learn to experience the more difficult emotional  things, then by the time they reach adulthood, they are already having problems.

Many shut down in a crisis or avoid facing problems. They depend on others or things to soothe them instead of learning how to self soothe. They overeat, over medicate, drink too much, shoplift, over obsess on things or become so emotionally crippled by things that they can not deal with life as it it…filled with good things and with sad and hard things. I had to learn how to self soothe when I was having anxiety attacks many years ago. I would call this friend or that friend needing them to do it for me and one day, I could find no one. And I realized then that if I did not figure out how to soothe myself, then I would go through this every time.

I have learned to recognize when my nerves are jangled or when I just can not take one more thing happening and have learned steps for myself to sooth myself until I feel calmer. I have also learned to do preventative things to self soothe since I am such a sensory person and feel things so intensely.

I am an extremely sensory person to the point someone can talk about a fire and I smell smoke. I also learned that certain things made my nerves on edge more. I decided to really pay attention and see what set off shaky nerves or set off my pain to higher levels besides the normal things of over doing, etc.

What I learned was that for me, bright lights, loud noises, crowds, hot temperatures, etc worked on my senses until I would find myself more emotionally susceptible to anxiety. So, I set about creating a serenity environment for me.

People come into our home and tell me how peaceful and serene it feels. Well, that is because I worked hard to create serenity in the home. Everyone should have at least one room that is the serenity room, especially if you can not make the whole house that way.

I read a lot and studied and this is what I learned. Bright lights? We created a lot of non direct lighting. The only time I had bright lights was if I was working on a project I needed to see up close. Softer more indirect lights were on all over the house and made each room very soothing. Due to my disabilities, I also use remote control lighting a lot so that if I am feeling tense, I can turn off lights around the room without having to get up or call for help.

Loud noises? We bought small computer speakers for the televisions and son ran wires so that the tv sound was never on….just the speakers were. Which meant that you could watch tv and hear the tv but could still carry on a conversation in the kitchen while sitting in the living room.Not only did it make it easier to hear the television but the sound was not blaring across the room from the tv making you want to scream for someone to turn it down.

I read a lot on serenity and Feng shui and I discovered that using a lot of green plants and brass and glass in the house also helped cut down on noise. It seemed to block outside noise from coming in but also absorbed the sounds inside. And so, we used this a lot in the house.

I like to watch a tv show to put me to sleep. But, then the noise of the television would wake me back up. I have speakers for my computer and my television so that the sound is right here beside my head and  use an ear bud at nite so that when I fall asleep, as soon as I roll  or move my head, it falls out and the television does not waken me. I also set my computer screen to turn off after a certain length of time so that the light does not waken me. All done to self soothe me and keep me relaxed.

I have learned that another self soothing device for me is the need for air to be moving. And so I have little fans all over the house that I turn on depending on where I am. I don’t need someone to soothe me for this. I do it myself.

The biggest self soothing thing I learned when upset was that being upset increased my pain and so I would go to my room and lay down with the lights low, no sound devices on and the fan blowing and just lay there allowing myself to relax but also allowing my senses to not be bombarded with things that increased my anxiety or pain.

I learned when upset to find things to soothe myself so that I could handle whatever was upsetting me. There are things I like to do that are “self soothing”. I love to read, to draw, to take pictures, to cook, to sit outside in the sun, etc. These are all self soothing things for me. So, when something bad happens, I “self sooth” so that my emotions and my brain can handle things.

I have heard people say before that they cried all the time for weeks because of something that happened. When we do that, we have not learned to sooth ourselves so that we are able to deal with the situation. And so the emotions keep racing through our heads over and over like a broken record and each time it does that increases the pain and anxiety until it becomes a raw wound being scraped over and over.

And friends/family will only listen so long until they get tired of hearing the same sad story that we call and tell them wanting them to sooth us instead of soothing ourselves. Does this mean we should never lean on friends/family or talk to them about what is wrong? No, but it does mean that we should not use them as the only source of soothing and we should learn how to do some of the soothing ourselves.

I have learned to change how I do things. For example, crowds really make my nerves on edge and so we have learned not to go shopping when it is really crowded times. We learned to do smaller gatherings in the house too. It is all part of being aware of your own personal playing field and knowing what bothers you and what does not and finding ways to handle these things before it happens.

I remember my youngest son would tickle his own arm to put himself to sleep. That is self soothing. I rock back and forth when I am going to sleep for it lulls me to sleep and seems to break the race car pattern that can happen when laying here trying to sleep where thoughts race round and round in you brain.

So where do you start with self soothing?. First, it helps to figure out what makes your nerves on edge in general, like the lights, noise, etc things I did. Second, I think realizing that there may not always be someone to soothe you helps in learning how to soothe yourself. I had a friend once who got upset because of a car wreck her son had been in. He was ok but she did not know that at the time. She called about ten people and no one was home and she finally drove to my house and when I opened the door she was in hysterics and just went to pieces. I remember asking her, what would you have done if I was not home?

So, realizing that someone may not always be around, helps in deciding a course of action for when you are upset. Ok, what do I do?  Well, what soothes you. Those are the things you turn to so that your emotional self can soothe down and then you are able to deal with the crisis.

It may not be a perfect solution, but try it sometimes for it sure does help.

Pain Delirium and a Dog With a Sense of Humor

There is nothing like being in that lack of sleep, pain delirium and having a dog with a sense of humor. The past few days since the hospital fun have been short on sleep and high on pain and medicine. Which makes for that kind of delirious sleep where you wake up enough to know you are awake but can’t quite focus on what is going on.

I found sleep elusive but when it finally hit, I found I slept hard. This is the kind of sleep my sons loved when younger for they would ask me could they do something and no telling the answer I would give. I had to make a “rule” that said “if Mom is sleeping, the answers do not count” to keep from finding out later I gave them permission to ask all their friends over for a party or drive the car, etc.

Last nite, I was not sleeping well and the couple of times I slept I was in that dead zone. One of those times my Jack once again managed to trick me and I know he was sitting over there laughing like this:

video by BafoDeChucrute

First, let me explain two things. I sleep in a hospital bed with the control on that long cord. The other thing is , son has my oxygen hose strung across the ceiling and goes through a pipe up at the top of the wall over my door so that the machine is out in the other room. Because of the night lights on all over the house, that hole leaves a nice glow at night.

Now, to Jack and his sense of humor. Evidentially, I did not hear him scratching the shredding machine  wanting me to wake up because he was hungry. So, left to his own devices, Jack decides to use another method that he has been known to use in the past.  Now, had I not been sleep deprived, in pain and on medication, I might have realized this is what he was doing.

I wake up to this sensation of going upward….my legs and my feet both are moving up and first thing that crosses my mind is that God has come to get me. I am talking and saying “God is that you?”  I am looking around frantically and see this glowing tube and my exhausted brain thinks “there is the “light” everyone talks about and I start hollering  “I am coming. I see the Light. I see the light”.

Next thing I know, son is shaking me and saying  “Mama, Mama….are you ok” and when I open my eyes, I see son and think “Gosh, God took him too” and say “oh, you are here too?”  Son is well familiar with me dreaming and sees Jack sitting by the bed where the remote to the bed is hanging and figures out what is going on and starts laughing. He had heard me talking but thought at first I was talking to Jack and then realized I was dreaming again.

He tells me Jack is messing with my bed again and I look towards that side and there Jack sits with that big toothy grin only a dog can make and I swear he is laughing. So, the moral of this story is never trust a dog like Jack when you are in a hospital bed and in pain and sleeping.

And be sure and pinch your son when he comes close for mine is sticking his head in the door and saying  “seen the light mama?”  and then starts singing  ♫♫I SEE THE LIGHT♫♫ as he dances in and out the door.

Meandering Thoughts

It is early early morning…one of my favorite times when I am not exhausted and my mind and body are not screaming for sleep, for I love the peacefulness…the quiet. It is soothing and relaxing.

Jack has taken to getting up when he hears my feet hit the floor for that early morning bathroom run. I am not sure why but he has been especially attentive to his “mama’ of late. He got up this morning, walking his stiff-legged walk and stood at the door waiting on me to hit the remote control that turns on the low light in the living room and then headed in there dragging scoobie doo blankie for his bed by son’s chair. What a lucky dog, to have two beds and two toy holders ..a set in each room. LOL   He is a much-loved and spoiled rotten dog.  I went in and covered him up before laying back down.

I was laying here thinking about how much we have changed as a society from a world where families joined together in a Walton’s family cohesion and took care of each other. In one home could be found grandparents, Parents, children and grandchildren all living, loving and  working together. And now, everyone for the most part seems to go their own way and a big part due to the vastness of our country and families moving in different directions and struggling in different parts of the country to survive and part because some just don’t want to commit to family. I am blessed that son takes care of me like he does for my life would be so different if he didn’t.

Son and I have this unique relationship…more like Laurel and Hardy at times as we each have this wonderful wacky sense of humor and direction that allows us to laugh at life and enjoy each other without totally taking up the other person’s space.  I love this picture of son for it shows the humor and the fun we have. This is a water gun by the way. What silly fun we have and yet what happiness and joy we have over something so small. The water gun was sent by our dear friend back east as a joke and we have had great fun with it.

I think we forget the child in us and many have this preconceived idea that to show the joy of a child is being “childish” when in reality it is showing the innocence and joy of youth. I love sitting in the kitchen cutting out Christmas cookies and decorating them with my sons. I did when they were little and I still do now. I love coloring…you should try it sometime. Just a plain coloring book and let yourself go and who says you have to stay in the lines? Life becomes so rigid and set in stone as we grow up that we forget it is ok to just let go.

I remember when I was unpacking when we first moved here and someone teased me about having dolls. I love dolls. And maybe it is the child escaping in me, but I have them and enjoy them immensely. I love children’s books and if you want to read a great one with a wonderful story, read “The Velveteen Rabbit” for it will tell you when you are finally “real” and that is when your fur has been loved off of you, your seams are coming apart from being hugged to pieces and your hinges on your arms and legs are worn and wobbly from hugging. Then are we real.

I think sometimes we use our lives as excuses for poor behavior. I hear people make comments like they are sixty and can say and do what they want now because they have earned it after all these years. True, but that does not mean a person has earned the right to be hurtful, condescending, hateful, or a multitude of negative actions. And I hear people use their disabilities as a reason to not do, or a reason to be angry, or a reason to “expect” special treatment. All are excuses. Our life is up to us. If we don’t have all we want..then enjoy what we do have.

I have days where the pain is so intense that the only way I can tolerate it is to stay flat on my back in this hospital bed sometimes for days. And yet, thanks to this house and to son making sure I am part of it, I am not unhappy even on those days. I find joy in the bird Misty hanging at the edge of the door singing to me, joy in smelling the delightful smells son has coming from the kitchen, joy in hearing him putter in the kitchen, joy in talking to my family and friends on the computer, or reading, or going through my cloud pictures and I laugh and I smile a lot.

All days are not wonderful and when the pain is too bad, I just hold on to the “memories” of these things in my head and close my eyes and flip through my memory book and keep myself soothed while I tolerate those high pain moments. But, it is all a choice. I could lay here and be angry and resentful that I can’t get up and do but I look at it this way. I only have so many minutes in my life alloted to me. I don’t want to waste them on negative energies. Life is choices.

I also realized of late that what is “special” to me, may not be special to my sons or my grand baby. The little brass lipstick holder of my grandmothers is a special memory for I have seen it on her dresser. But, my son’s look at it as if it were a knick knack taking up space for they don’t hold that memory. We want people to treasure our treasures when we leave here and yet it took me all my life to realize that as long as I have enjoyed and treasured the item in my lifetime, that is all that matters..and I have. If my son’s don’t want it when I die, and they are not interested in it, then perhaps a friend that loves this kind of stuff may get more enjoyment and will treasure my treasure because I gave it to them and actually use it rather than put it in a box in the closet to gather dust. So, I have given to my sons things they liked and given to “adopted family” things they liked that I was willing to let go of. And I realized what great pleasure that gave me.

Spring cleaning represents house cleaning to many. I find that spring cleaning all through the year in the “mental” sense is a good thing. Pull out those thoughts, memories and sort through them and see which ones you really want to carry around and try getting rid of them and lighten your load. I choose (here I go again with the choose word) to hold on to the good memories and thoughts and to release the ones that are harmful and hurtful. I don’t want to be like the sisters I mentioned earlier that did not speak all their lives and didn’t even remember why. Sometimes we can take hurts and grievances and nurse them and hold on to them and keep them alive, and keep us hurt and upset…wasting precious moments of our lives. I find forgiveness is a wonderful thing but what most people don’t realize is…forgiveness is for you more than for the person that wronged you. Forgiveness sets you free.