Thank you all for your notes and emails of concern. I am hanging in there. Today I actually had brief spells of respite from the nightmare of hell that it has been this past week. I was able to lay and sit here and not feel the room or the furniture swirling around me for a brief period of time. Twice it happened today. Oh what a nice break. Hopefully this means that things are on the turn here and each day will bring a little longer spells of no swirling objects. One can only hope.
This has been like being thrown into the nightmare on elm street of sorts. I have had problems with vertigo but never anything like this. And so has been a learning experience for sure.
Thanks for caring so much and all the notes. It means a lot. And a big thank you to my son for keeping my blog going while I was doing so poorly. I don’t think you would have wanted to read anything I could have written over the past few days LOL
Now back to the regularly scheduled program. LOL
Well, this year is almost over. It is hard to believe. I lay here and think about where we were this time last year and all we have come through and endured to make it to here and am amazed at all we have done and gone through. And the memories bring to mind the following quote:
Of course, my problem is that most of my life I have HAD to be strong and when that happens, there are times you just wish someone else would be strong for you. Not to worry, does not mean I am tired of fighting. It simply means that sometimes it would be nice to not HAVE to be strong all the time. Being strong means people are not always there for you for they figure you have it handled. And even the strong need someone there…someone to walk with them.
video by angelxninasakura
So, as I sip my coffee out of my grizzly bear mug that the guys brought me when mama was here visiting, I think about the year ending and realize that what I had hoped for will not happen. I was hoping all the kidney stuff would be over before we started the new year but it won’t be. I am still waiting on them to decide when and which was is safest for me. But, because this is still hanging over my head, I have decided to not mention it anymore and so the next post that will have anything about this will be a picture of me hopefully with a thumbs up and son telling you all that I did ok.
As I think about the new year, I think about things I never want to see again on TV. I don’t want to see commercials for Trojans, feminine products, medicine, reality shows like Jerseylicious and the Kardashians and all the other trash on tv. Bring back quality shows.
I think about things I hope for in the coming year….like less doctors, a few more feel better days, special friends, and days of serenity and peace and joy. Remember, the best gift you can give someone you love is your time. Nothing else matters. So, take the time to breathe and enjoy life and slow down and enjoy your loved ones. Every minute you waste on rushing and material things…you have lost forever on the more important things. Take time for the important things. I have been guilty of saying “oh I will make it up later” but you can’t make up lost time. It is gone…never to return. We each only have a certain number of minutes in our lives…don’t waste them.
I love living in small town USA. There is not the rush rush rush that big town people seem to love and are used to. People are laid back and take life as it comes. I love seeing people standing in the shops and talking to friends they run into for fifteen and twenty minutes instead of rushing through the shops and out the door. I am a country girl and proud of it.
I think we can get lost in the minutia of things around us and lose sight of the important things in life. When was the last time you just sat and looked at a sunrise or sunset and seen the beauty? When was the last time you just sat and talked without looking at your watch and thinking of all the things you think you need to get gone. My philosophy is will the world stop turning if I don’t get it done? Will it matter a year from now what someone said or did or didn’t do?
So, as the new year is ending, all the lights and the tree in my room with the blue and yellow and red lights are packed away til the next season. Our house no longer looks like the holidays but back to the reality of home. And life is resuming as normal with me here in my little cocoon. I actually went out of the house for the first time in over two weeks the other day, but it was for medicine. Unfortunately, it is the reason for the bad spasms the past couple of nights. Maybe one day when the medical is over, I can take a ride and see my beloved mountains.
For now, everyone asks me what I am doing for New Years. Not a thing. Just going to be thankful I made it through another year and pray the next year is a little easier and less hectic. Going to be a quiet nite here in the home at the base of the mountains….other than any fire crackers that may go off. I remember when people would say what you did on New Years Eve and who you talked to is who you will talk to and what you will do the coming year. Well, might be true but is one of those things I just ceased to worry about. I figure what will be will be.
Jack is still protecting his new robe and making me laugh. I can’t wait to tell Mama for she will have a laughing fit over that. She loves Jack and he loves her. I love what someone called Jack…Wonder Dog with his robe on. hmmm I wonder if that is him going out at nite?
And son is going to help me put a perm in today I hope. No, NO…not a curly perm..just some body. My hair is lifeless…hahaha kinda like me lately…and needs a boost. It is a good thing he does not mind helping me cause I can’t do it by myself anymore. So, it should be quite an experience. I told him I was gonna have Jack take a picture of him. He always asks me..”are you sure you want me to do this??” and I have to laugh. He does a good job. So, I will put a little life in my years….starting with this lifeless hair of mine.
The day is almost half gone and I am still thinking about life, family, friends, loved ones and the coming year. Know that you are missed..by someone…even when you think you are not.
And reach out and grab life and enjoy. Don’t let anyone or anything destroy your happiness for it lies within your heart not in other things or people. Live life with an eye for the most important things in life for this is a one time shot. There are no reruns in life. And I wish you all a blessed coming year.
A new year is coming and there is so much to look forward to and so many things that one can do differently and change their lives forever. It is easy to lose sight of the fact that we are important in this world.
“You are not the momentary whim of a careless creator experimenting in the laboratory of life…You were made with a purpose.”
I like that quote…to believe that God created us for a reason..not just to exist but to do…to be….and to live. So, as I look to the new year, I have made some resolutions.
First is to keep my faith in God and realize all the miracles He has created in this world….to wake up and see the miracle of the sunrise, to sit outside and see the miracle of nature….to look at people and see the miracle God created when He formed us. I do believe in miracles.
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
Second is to quit worrying about what people might think, to be spontaneous and to allow myself to feel.
“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
William W. Purkey
Third is to realize that I am important to someone…be it family, family of choice, friends, even my pet…
“To the world you might be one person, but to one person, you might be the world.” anonymous
Fourth is to sing and sing often …..just because I can. Life can be filled with joy.
“A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.”
Fifth is to not drift in my life and lose my time. I want to live life to the fullest.
Some people drift through their entire life. They do it one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. It happens so gradually they are unaware of how their lives are slipping away until it’s too late.
Mary Kay Ash
Sixth is to be myself…to never compromise myself because of others…to always be true to myself.
“It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.”
“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.”
Hardy D. Jackson
Seventh is to realize that I am a role model to someone whether I want to be or not.
“Whether or not you have children yourself, you are a parent to the next generation.
If we can only stop thinking of children as individual property and think of them
as the next generation, then we can realize we all have a role to play.”
Eighth is to accept and use the fact that I am in charge of me and my feelings and how I act. That my faith is up to me and no one else and to act in a way that people treat me like a person of worth.
“You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs, and actions. And you teach others
how to behave toward you. While you cannot change other people, you can
influence them through your own behaviors and actions. By being a living
role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of
what you want in your life.”
Ninth is to not waste my time on senseless anger. If I am upset…to talk about it and get it out and over.
“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tenth is to quit searching and realize that happiness is inside me. It is not in my possessions, in other people, in my job, in my car..but within my heart. That I can be gloriously happy and have nothing.
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look past the imperfections.”
Eleventh is to reach out in kindness to those around me. I believe we have an inherent responsibility to help those around us, be it with a kind word, helping them in a time of need, offering them comfort, whatever.
“All of us are born for a reason, but all of us don’t discover why. Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It’s what you do for others.”
Twelfth is to really take the time to look at people and pay attention to how they are feeling and center less on me and more on the feelings of others.
Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you.
And last is to LIVE…not just exist…to get out there and taste life one bite at a time.
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
These resolutions are something I think I can incorporate into my life and make my life the fullest it has ever been. And they are resolutions I believe I can keep through out the year and past. What resolutions do you have?
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.–Dr. Suess
♫♫Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. ♫♫
video by AngelLove831
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE.
Woke up with horrible muscle contractions and am laying here waiting on meds to kick in. As I look around my room and out into the other part of the house, I am once again struck with a deep feeling of gratitude for our home. It is a small home but the amazing thing is that everyone says the same words when they come in our home. They look around and say “your home is so cozy and so filled with warmth and love”. Now, it might not be a fancy mansion, might not have granite counter tops or high ceilings and wood beams, but they are right…this home is filled with warmth and love.
Another thing people say to son and I is that our home is so serene. I have for years worked hard at creating an environment in the home that is warm and loving and filled with serenity that when someone comments on it…to me that says they feel it. I have even helped others create at least one room of serenity for themselves for we all need it in this chaotic world.
As I read the news and the dire predictions for housing to still fall even more and the economy slowed, I am even more thankful that our house sold on the other side of the mountain and we were able to get this home. The sad part for me was that bad news for someone of losing their home brought us the good news of owning our home. That part made me sad and feel bad for the ones that lost the house a couple of years ago.
Son and I both would tell anyone that the selling of our house on the other side of the mountain and getting here was probably one of the hardest tests of faith that we have endured but we stuck with it. Did we ever have down times? Oh yes, I can remember after two years had passed and our house on the other side had not sold…crying to a friend that it was never going to sell. But, that did not change my resolve to keep working towards it.
Times were hard for the economy was really down. They keep saying it ended in 2009 but I think they failed to let the rest of the world know for things are still tough in the economy. Son and I spent two years getting the house ready to sell, doing things we could do without spending a lot of money. We sheet rocked walls in the unfinished room and put in a ceiling and if you don’t think that wasn’t hard with one able man and a disabled woman..his mother…think again. I was the “mudder” for the sheet rock and ceiling because son had never done it before and I had. It was quite a feat for me being on forearm crutches and especially the ceiling. Son made a platform for me to lay on and I laid on my back mudding the seam of the sheet rock we used to make the ceiling. But, you know what…we got it done. Yes, I had to crawl on all fours to get up and down the stairs to the basement and yes, many nights I could barely make it to bed and would be up with pain but the good news was….we made the house where someone bought it and we didn’t lose as much money as all the other people on our street were doing.
It was a test of faith to know that all bills would get paid, that all the materials we would need to get that house ready to sell in a bad market and that we would get here. But, you know what…I believe in the promise that God will take care of our needs and He did just that. Bills would come due and out of the blue we would get money in the mail..refunds from this or that and it would match the amount we needed to pay. Or, we would need materials and suddenly someone would have exactly what we needed on freecycle. That is how we got the sheet rock…and the man even brought it to our house and helped unload it. The things we needed always appeared.
Perhaps this was why it took two years to sell the house and then when it did, we got more than the other houses on our street. It was a test of faith and committment. Yes, we lost money on the house, but we still were able to get over the mountain and find our home. What more could we ask. For me, knowing God would provide our needs was something I had learned a long time ago. For son, it was an eye-opening experience and he learned the words “Thank you Lord” and spoke them often as God provided for us and for all the materials we needed to get the house sold.
Could we go out and buy things we wanted just for fun? No. But we had a roof over our heads, food, clothing, heat and the materials to keep working on the house.We were indeed blessed. God provided but we had to do our part. We had to do the physical labor to fix the house and we had to refrain from spending money unnecessarily. God provides for our needs but that does not mean we sit back on our laurels and just expect it all to be done for us. And my lips often say the words “Thank You Lord” not just for my home but for my life and my sons and the ones I love in my life.
I am blessed beyond means and it is not in money but in the kind of wealth that you can not buy…in love and warmth and comfort, in people who love me and care about me, in the medical care I am getting. God is good…..all the time. I learned to say Thank you Lord in bad times for if we stop and look…we will see someone much worse than we are..and that in itself is a gift.
Loyalty is probably the most misunderstood concept in the world. I have watched people claim loyalty to political parties, religions, religious leaders, companies, family members…you name it. The problem comes when people place such a frame on being loyal that they continue to be loyal even when the person or thing they are loyal to has taken a turn for the worse. Loyalty can turn into misguided loyalty and become like a drug that consumes us.
I have watched parents take loyal to the extreme and they will defend their children no matter what they do and make excuses for them. I am very proud of my sons and they know it but they also knew that if they broke the law or did something wrong that got them in trouble, that I would not lie to get them out of it. I would be there with them to walk through it but they would have to face up to what they did wrong. The Anthony case comes to mind when I talk about this as we watched all the drama and change of stories while their daughter was on trial for murdering her child. It scares me when I see this happen for what are we teaching the child? We are teaching them that no matter what they do, they can lie their way out of it and we will be there to do the same for them.
I have seen people take the extreme when it came to politicians, defending them even when they did something wrong. This is not loyalty. Loyalty is standing by them in spite of their wrongs. I have seen people make excuses for things done and fight anyone that dared to say anything negative about the person they were showing their brand of loyalty to.
I think I must really be different for to me, loyalty is standing by a person…even when they err in judgment. If I make up excuses to cover their wrongs and try to keep anyone from saying anything negative, all I do is draw more attention to the error in judgment of that person. I call this blind loyalty and it borders on how those in cults are. For example, those who followed Jim Jones defended him to the death. They gave up all their possessions, their money and followed him to another country all because they believed totally what he was saying. Even when they felt uncomfortable with what he was doing, they could not bring themselves to admit it and they died because of it.
The code of silence with law enforcement, doctors, etc is a good example of misguided loyalty. There used to be this wall and you could not get a person to speak out if someone was doing something wrong. It was a loyalty that was blinded to justice for much corruption happened and yet no one could do anything about it for no one would say one negative word about the one that was corrupt. Thankfully, this is not as strong as is was some years back and the rogue cops or bad doctors, etc are now being exposed.
A political example is Clinton and the now famous affair. I listened to people make excuses about the affair because they just could not admit that what he did was improper. I heard things ranging from “well he is the president” to “it was not real sex” to “sex is personal” (uh not in the oval office). The truth of the matter is, if he had been the boss of a corporation and had an affair with an employee under him, he would have been fired. He made an error in judgment. Does that negate the good he did as president? Not in my book. I can see the good and the bad and do not have to pretend he was perfect to say anything good about him. But, many people have this misguided loyalty idea that if they dare say anything negative about the person they are loyal to then they are disloyal. Being loyal is standing by them even though we recognize their faults not because we perceive them as perfect. I am not a “party” person but I do look at each candidate personally and I see good things Clinton did and I see things he made mistakes on and I see that in all presidents.
Companies now have loyalty marketing planning sessions on how to better effectively get the money from those that are loyal fans as they term it. If you don’t believe me, look up loyalty marketing. Companies realize that people will take loyalty to the extreme and so they are using this as a marketing tool. A good example would be the fast food companies who use the game tokens to get you to buy more food. Or the cigarette companies that used to have the tokens on the packages that you could use to redeem for items from a catalog. Loyalty marketing programs have existed since the fifties. And it works. They give a little and get back much more than they give and people think that they are really getting a prize when in reality all we are doing is buying more cigarettes or food items to get the tokens we need to get a free this or that.
So how do we know if our loyalty is misguided? I think first we have to be able to admit that the person or product or company or whatever is subject to error. If we take something or someone and try to turn them into something perfect, then we need to step back and look again for nothing in this world is perfect. If we find it beyond hard to admit that whatever or whomever we are following, does anything wrong then we need to step back and look at what we are doing. If we just follow blindly and never ask questions or look for information, then we need to step back and ask ourselves why we don’t. If there is secretiveness and unanswered questions from those we are giving our loyalty to, we need to step back and look again, If there is constant denial that anything is wrong by those following, we need to step back and look again. If you are attacked for asking a question or pointing out something that appears wrong, then you need to step back and look again. Has your loyalty to whatever or whomever become addicting to you and you find you must be constantly checking on whatever it is you are loyal to…you can’t make it one day without some contact, then it is time to step back and take a good look.
Being loyal to something or someone is not bad. It is just when we take it to the extreme, when we refuse to hear anything about it other than the “singing of praises”, if it consumes us and we don’t’ realize that we are giving up our time, our money and even our true will, then it can be harmful for psychology has found that people with misguided loyalty will defend and be loyal to something even when it is turning into something bad.
As I lay here in the early morning light, I thought about something that we all take for granted….life. I was watching an old Mash show last nite and in it, a young boy died on the operating table and Radar was so upset that one of the doctors followed him and sat down to try and comfort him. Radar said something that really resonated with me. He said “how can a person be alive one second and dead the next”. That set me to thinking about a second and about life.
When we are young we think we will live forever. That is just part of being a kid. And sadly, children die daily. My heart hurt last nite for the woman who was sick and her neighbor was taking care of the kids and he killed the daughter and dismembered her. I thought about all the children who die daily from abuse, from predators, from accidents. So….no, we don’t live forever. In a second, we can be gone.
And as we get older, we realize that life has no guarantees of tomorrow. So, why do people not value life more? And why do we not realize what a monumental thing it is when people reach the age of eighty, ninety…a hundred. As a whole, life is treated as if nothing can stop it and yet daily people are dying for many reasons…..gone in a second.
So, what should we be doing? I think life is something we have to remember to not take for granted and to realize that …in a seconds time…we may have lost the time to tell our loved ones how much we love them, to hug our loved ones and to give to them all the love we hold in our hearts.
Part of valuing life is valuing our own health. I look back and see things I would have done so differently had I realized that life is not a guarantee and that part ….only part…of living is up to me. I would not have smoked for one for I believe that destroys our health. Now, to be honest, I loved smoking. I loved the taste and the feeling having a cigarette with my morning cup of coffee. But, to be realistic…my body did not. I would have eaten healthier, exercised more and taken better care of me. And I would have detached myself from emotional vampires who love drama and love to suck the life from you.
While taking care of me is important, what about valuing the life around us. Every moment we waste not being with loved ones, not telling loved ones how much we care or spending time showing them….. are moments that are lost forever. We can never get them back. And we may not get the opportunity to do it in the future. They can be gone in a second.
How many times have you heard people after someone dies say oh they wish they had done or said this or that. Hindsight is always 20/20 but it should wake us up. It should make us realize that all the ugly drama that can enfold with families and close friends is really not worth it. What will it matter who said what a year from now? Think about all the tension and drama around holiday time…how it ruins holidays…takes the joy away from it…and that holiday will be gone and can not be replayed. There is no rewind in life.
I have seen people who carried grudges for years to the point they don’t even remember what the reason was…they just knew they were mad at the other person. And all that time, they lost being with someone who was important in their life at one time. And that time can never be regained.
Perhaps the older I get, I realize that I have less time than I did at twenty. But, even being twenty…I can see that life was not seen as precious as it should have been by me and by many. I think the world has become consumed with “possession-itis” and it is what we can buy or attain that has become most important and has taken over where family and loved ones should be top of the list.
When son and I decided to sell the house and move on this side of the mountain, our goal was to get rid of bills and get rid of the burden of a huge house of 2200 square feet …a house in which we did not use all of it most of the time….and find a home we could pay for or at the least pay less for that was smaller. And we accomplished that with this small little cottage house we have. And daily we look around and realize how much we love it. There is not one space in this house that is not used daily. And the strain of paying for that huge house is off of us. It allows us to do quality things together, just like the making of our thanksgiving dinner where the making and cooking together was the most important part. The eating was just the reward of it.
Many want fame and fortune to be what they are remembered for. Fame and fortune can be gone in a second too and so many people have seen this with the depression our economy has been in the past few years. When I die, I want to be remembered for the love I gave, for the time I spent, for the calls I made or the visits I did or the times I shared my life…my home and special events with those I love. I want people to remember that I loved them and that I valued them and wanted them in my life…that I was there in hard times for them, that I gave of myself to comfort them.
I also don’t want to lose people in my life and regret that I did not spend more time with them, that I did not call them or write them or visit them ….did not hug them and let them know I loved them..that I was not there in their time of need. I want to live my life so that the important things …like love and family and family of choice are top of the list…not how famous I am or what a big home I have or what a big career I have or had. If everything can be gone in a second…I want to know that my seconds were spent on the most important…on those I love and care about.
So, what about you? How are you spending your moments in life?
Is the morning after Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Everyone was nestled all snug in their beds,
While memories of Christmas day danced in their heads.
Remnants of Christmas were scattered on the floor
while icy winds and snow were just outside the door
Jack was snuggled under his covers and his snores filled the air
While son was in his bed sleeping without even a care
I lay here in my bed with a smile on my face
Thanksgiving filled my heart for our new home …our new place
Christmas Day has come and is now out of sight
And the whole house is still filled with such glorious delight
The best gifts of Christmas didn’t come in a box wrapped in gold
It came in the memories of family both the young and the old
In the love and caring that abound throughout the land
Of people coming together in love, joining together hand in hand
My reason for the season still abounds with us here
Making life and those in it so very very dear
So, as you open your eyes on this wonderful “morning after” day
Let the songs of love and peace on earth still continue to play
As I roll over and snuggle under my covers without a care
I have one last wish that I would like to share
As I find myself drifting back off into that beautiful deep sleep
dreaming of a better world and realistic resolutions to keep
My wish is that we hold on to this peace, love and goodwill
and think of the less fortunate whose dreams no one came to fill
And open our hearts to the true meaning of this season
And if you are going to fight, make sure it’s for a good reason
And so as I drift off into sleep
I wish you a very happy new year and send a bushel of love for you to keep.
Love from our house to yours
Wishing everyone a glorious love filled Christmas. Take the time to enjoy family and just be with them. Time spent with loved ones is the best part of the day.
This is my reason for the season.
This makes me so sad. I love her singing. My prayers go out for Etta James and her family and family of choice. She has terminal Leukemia and is now on a breathing machine. I pray the Lord lifts her to heaven quickly and gives her that healing that only He can give.
video by dynastyangel2000
- Comfort foods
- Dreams for the future
- Eating Out
- Etta James
- Female Impersonators
- heart center
- helping others
- Native American
- New Year's Resolution
- Protection from fraud
- Rocky Mountains
- US Military