Sometimes At Night I Walk

Sometimes at night I walk and look, carrying me places that are in my heart. When pain is high and I can not sleep, I walk around on these two feet. Sometimes I go down hallways of my past and look in rooms of my son’s when they were little and see their slumbering faces. Such sweet trusting faces given to me and I stand there watching their little chests rise with each breath and stroke their cheeks.

So many places I would love to go and the echo of voices of long ago. I walk down dirt roads and come to old mule farms and see my great-grandfather with his son’s training mules for the Calvary. Or I walk to the edge of the river bank and see my grandfather I never met playing with my father and cousins as they ride the boat in the river and my grandfather, who loves the kids, pretends to fall out of the boat to make them all laugh.

Sometimes I walk into the country house where my father was raised and up the stairs to the nursery and see him standing at the window as a child of seven watching his mother and aunts and uncles dressed in black following a horse-drawn wagon with a big wooden box on the back. I realize he has no idea what is happening as no one told him. Families did that back then..protected the children from death or at least they thought they did. And I realize that this young child’s life is about to be changed forever.

I walk across countries to meet friends I have met online in England, Australia, Canada and other places. Sometimes I sit while Helena cooks at their outside cooking pot and eat from their food…tasting flavors I have never had before.

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I walk to friend’s houses in other states, sit and watch the eagles fly across the water to the Island, walk on the beach, sit on lanai’s and feel the breeze and sip coke and talk until dawn not wanting to leave.

Last night I walked down a dusty road in Tennessee and saw my great great great-grandmother named Betsy who was married to a Revolutionary soldier who died in war. She raised five big strapping boys who eventually moved to Tennessee leaving her behind in Virginia. But many years later, this five foot figure in a long black dress was seen walking down the dirt road and the sons looked up and stared and then in wonder realized it was their 85-year-old mother. She had walked with a wagon train until she got close enough people could tell her how to find the place where her sons were and she walked the rest of the way alone. She was a strong woman and on her tombstone, it said simply “Betsy Pylant 108 years old”. I think she is part of where my mojo comes from.

Sometimes at night, I walk to places I would love to see, or I roam the streets of Rome with happy abandon. I visit countries and see the sights. I stop at the outdoor cafe and drink cappuccino or teas. I taste of culinary delights and smile in my dreams.

Oh yes, sometimes at night I walk…no power chair, no crutches..but feet on the floor transported by my mind. I think in awe..this must be somewhat what heaven is like…no pain or diseases to hold you back. I dance across meadows, feeling the cool green grass under my bare feet, picking fragrant flowers along the way. Oh yes, sometimes at night I walk.

 

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Our minds are wonderful things and for me, when pain is high, I depend on mine to transport me to places that are kind and gentle. I tell my son..you know son…when I die, I will still be close by. You may smell my perfume or hear my laugh. He says “I know, Mom. Just do me one favor and stay out of my bedroom, ok”.  I laugh and we talk on.

Sometimes I walked and meet people I have always wanted to meet such as my Irish Ancestors and my Scottish, English, German, Canadian Ancestors, Steven Segal, Elvis Presley, Lauren Bacall, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Betsy Ross, Dr. Phil, Teddy Roosevelt, Marilyn Monroe, Reba McIntyre and the list goes on. I unravel mysteries such as why did great-uncle Billy disappear? I sing songs or act in movies. It does not matter what, I can do it.

Oh, yes…sometimes at night I walk and feel my feet fly down roads. And when my journey is done, I open my eyes once again and see the oxygen hose and hospital bed and I smile because I know that sometimes at night I walk and these things do not hold me down. The mind is powerful if we use it and when I walk at night, the pain is left laying in this bed and I feel, smell, taste and hear all the beautiful places I visit.

Dreams

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My blog is called Work The Dream because I believe that you have to work for your dreams. Many people say they would love this or that or dream of this or that but never make the effort to work towards it.

It took my son and I seven years to get where we are. We started paying our bills off and we moved to Colorado looking for a simpler lifestyle. And the recession hit while trying to sell our house and we lost a lot of money selling it but somehow had enough to buy this small little house we have now. And we have worked our dream all this time and are still working our dream as there are things we want to see done to the little house. My son works on the house as he is able and as we get supplies. We are part of the recycle group online where people give away things and that is how we got all the sheet rock to fix our other house we sold. The point being that dreams do not normally just fall in a person’s lap. We must work for them. We must do our part to help make them come true.

The thing about dreams is making sure they are realistic. Yes, I dream of owning a pair of spike heels that are glitter red that I can wear laying here on my hospital bed. It is a frivolous dream and I am making no effort to have it come true. It is also a fun dream. But, the dream of living a less stressed more simple life was and is more important towards our lives. And we work hard on it.

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Sometimes we want things and they are fleeting such as the red spike heels. But, some dreams never leave us. We go our whole lives dreaming of them. Those are the dreams we need to be working on and taking the chance to step out and do it. Sometimes we can choose the “safe” way and never step out for fear of what if it does not work or what if we lose this or that. The only way to know is to try. You can either do nothing and spend your life wondering what would have happened if you had or you can step out and make the choice to try for that dream.

Life is too short to live someone else’s dream and you deserve to have those dreams come true. But, it does take courage and asking yourself what are you willing to give up to have that dream. Are you afraid of losing the big fancy house if you step out and try to get that cabin in the rural area to live a simpler life? Are you afraid of living cheaper so you can have that dream trip to Italy or whatever country you have dreamed of going to for years?  How important is this dream to you?  How much are you willing to give up to have it?  That is the bottom line.

So, work for those dreams that you have held on to hoping one day they will come true. Believe in yourself and believe that it can be possible. Will it be easy? The answer is no but it will be worth it. And dreams evolve. Our dream was for a simpler life and we found it and now our dream is make this little house into what we want like where son is building the library section. We have hauled our library of books from Georgia to the other side of the mountain and then back to this side of the mountain and in a few months we will hopefully have the isles of bookshelves we purchased years ago painted and installed where our dining room was. It is a continuing dream. Believe..that is all I can tell you. Believe and work for the dream.

Follow Your Dreams, The Siren Called Out To Me

As I closed my eyes and fell deep into lovely sleep.
The dream siren called me with a promise to keep

I closed my eyes and looked deep in my soul
I could feel the wind blowing…it was so very cold

My dreams I had carried through year after year
They will never come true was my biggest fear

Wandering up one lane and down another
Remembering my dream since I became a mother

Land, open land and a place to be free
A small house to live in with a big evergreen tree

We mounted the buckboard with all we owned inside
And started over the mountain on this crazy dream ride

We felt like pioneers racing to the finish line for land
And the whole time we knew -The Lord had our hand

So don’t be afraid to dream your dreams and try
Life is too short…open your wings up and fly

Dream I say and work the dream hard as you can
For it will be the best race that you ever ran.

© danLrene 2012

Keeping Hope and Faith Alive

People ask me how I stay so hopeful in spite of being so sick and the only way I can explain it is that I keep dreaming. I keep making my bucket list and I keep dreaming of things I hope to do again some day. Will I get to do them all?  Probably not, but dreaming keeps me hopeful. It is when we lose hope that life seems so bad. Without hope there is no faith and without faith for the future, we have nothing to live for.

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I dream all the time. I pull up things I did in the past that I hope to do again. Just this morning I was sharing pictures of my “dream come true: trip to Italy a few years ago..yes on these crutches but in better health. She said she could hear the excitement and passion in me. That is what is important to me…keeping my passion for life alive. That is how I endure when I feel so bad, feel so exhausted and hurt so much. I change my focus to hope.

My bucket list ranges from things as simple as a pair of stiletto heels..wing back as a friend calls them. I have never worn heels in my life but I want a pair to put on while I lay here on this bed and look so girlie.    Another bucket list is to own an easel and all the paints and brushes and canvases again. I used to paint all the time. In fact, I used to set up the easel for my grand baby when I lived back east and let her paint and she and I would talk and talk. I loved it. Even in a power chair..I could paint again.  And I believe I will have that again.

Having a better camera and my dark room set up is another bucket list. I have a whole darkroom setup…but we have not been able to fix it up yet.  And to take the pictures of the clouds I want and the stars, I need a telescope. I take pictures now to keep myself motivated. I want to develop black and white pictures. Passion…oh yes.

So I have simple and hopefully attainable things on my bucket list, like getting my good power chair again, to having a small motor home instead of the van to make traveling to doctors easier and maybe get back to see my grand baby, learning to sing better…used to have a program that taught you how to match your voice to the actual note but lost it in the move, to getting son’s book published, to getting my hair grown down my back so I can braid it, to going back to Italy and taking my son and two dear friends.  Dreaming keeps me alive.

And I dream for friends…for people I know and love…for good things to happen to them. I dream for you all. And I dream for a world filled with less hatred, anger and disrespect and more love, peace and harmony. Do I sound like a hippy from the 60′s?  Well I am.

Never ever let anyone trample on your dreams, on your bucket list, on your joys. I pray you hold tight to your faith, your hope, your love and your laughter. Dreams and hopes are desperately important for the chronically ill and those suffering. Today..a day where I am exhausted and in so much pain, weak and sick to boot…it is these dreams that bring smiles to my face and make life more joyful instead of languishing in all the pain and sickness.  And that is how I do it. That is how I stay so positive and hopeful…I never let go of the hope. And the hope keeps me from losing faith that one day I will get to do the bucket list things.

Another bucket list was to teach my sons some of the things I know how to do like gardening and making bread and I have been doing that. And know what…someone saw my passion…my dream and they have added to it telling me that they have books on making bread that they are sending because they thought it would be fun for us to make different breads. Always remember that when you help someone else realize a dream you have increased their hope.

I want to add a little story that shows how you can light up someone’s world, how you can fill a dream…and sometimes not even know it.  My sister and her husband were very well to do. He was a dentist. I was a poor single mother raising two sons. They were taking their kids to the Big Top Circus …I do not mean a little country town one little tent circus..I mean the huge one. They asked could they take my son and they did. He was blown away because although he had never told anyone..he had always wanted to go to the big circus. He still remembers that to this day. They lit up his life and filled a bucket list that a small child had and did not even know it.

Give the gift of hope and light up someone’s world today.

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Do You Have A Plan Or Are You In Chaos?

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I love this because it is so true of society today. Society has become all about money, fame, possessions and less about people. We can lose all those things in the blink of an eye but we can never go back and make up to the ones we love if we fail to show our love to those who should be important to us. The plan for life has become off kilter and what is really important has fallen to the wayside and things, money, fame have stepped up as the number one.

Video of my friend Dr. Sherry E. Showalter on having a plan and cleaning out the clutter and deciding what your dream is. What is it you really want?

video by Dr. Sherry E. Showalter

This is why I say Sherry shines and why I voted for her on Yahoo’s Women Who Shine.

http://shine.yahoo.com/photos/healer-1344925552-slideshow/sherry-e-showalter-photo-1349122294.html

Like my blog said yesterday….live your faith…your beliefs and put them into action. If you do not live your beliefs and faith then you are walking in the woods in the dark.

Sometimes Dreams Take Detours

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I have been unable to go to church for over three years due to my health, how hard it is to get into my church and then the tightness of the pews (I wish churches would not do that for it makes it hard for tall people and really hard for someone handicapped) and the distance inside the church. I love going to church and dream of getting to go.

You may ask why I do not take my power chair. Well, my good one has never been fixed and the one they gave me instead they told me I could not take out of the house or it would void the warranty and it is not made for a tall person and wobbles and feels unsafe. So, I figured this dream of going to church would never happen.

Well, sometimes dreams work in a different way. Son came home the other day and asked me if I felt up to a little ride about four blocks or so away. I said yes and he drove me to this tiny little church …it is Baptist.  The minister there and the members are so sweet. It is a small church of about 22. There are no steps and walking in is about 20 feet from my van to the first pew. The service is an hour and that is short compared to some churches . And so, I might be able to sit that long.

So, I have been resting for the past couple of days so that today my hope and dream is that we are going to attempt to go to this little church…to God’s house…for my first service in I believe it has been over three years. No, it is not the church I have gone to for years but all that matters to me is it is possible for me and it is God’s house.

The church is so small there are only about five rows of pews on each side and they have them spaced apart so my leg with the brace will not be cramped. Son is carrying a pillow for me. We did not even know this tiny little church was here. It is on the outskirts of town like our house. So, I am real excited and am praying that I can do this. I know I will give it my best shot.

I will post and let you know how I did when we get home. And the nice thing is that the pastor said that if I had trouble, just to get up and leave to go home but that he prays I will be able to stay and to stay after and eat with them as they will try to fix me a place in the little room off the church where they eat that is comfortable for me even if I have to lay down.  I do not even know if I can make it through the service before the pain gets too bad but I am going to try.

The Beauty of Dreams

Everyone is amazed at how green and pretty our garden is. We do not use a sprinkler for we found that wastes a lot of water so son either stands and waters or he uses a soaker system so that the water is actually getting on the plants.

Remember last time the corn was up to his knees. Well take a look at this. This is the first corn we planted. We have some shorter as we had to replant some areas that did not sprout.

And we saw our first pumpkin today.    We have lots of zucchini and one of the tomato plants is a bush type tomato and oh my gosh it is loaded with baby tomatoes. We have blooms on our pie pumpkins too and on the watermelons, the yellow squash, the beans are loaded with blooms and the snap peas too. Son also decided Mama does know a few gardening tricks. We planted marigolds in the garden because they are good at deterring the bugs.

“And our gourds are coming along. I told son we needed one of those rolls of black plastic border that you push in the ground to help hold the dirt up.   They are planted on the back forty part of the back yard.

Son said the only thing that would make this better was if we lived beside his brother and they could do the gardens together and enjoy each others company.  Hmm  maybe another dream huh.

Son will tell you that this is the hardest work he has ever done and he works every day hours at a time to make this garden what it is. Back east, it was much easier for most anything grows and the dirt is not hard as a brick bat and so dry. I am so proud of both my sons. They are both hard workers and no one will ever be able to accuse them of living off of others. Regardless of his back issues, son is out there taking care of that garden and doing the things around here that need doing. He may have to rest in between but he does not give up. And my other son is the same way. He works hard to support his wife and sweetpea.

Son here says they learned it from me. I think that is about the nicest compliment they could have given me….to say that I taught them to be hard workers and to take care of themselves. And now for the shocker. I sat on a stool out there in the yard with my blue hat on and sunglasses and I pulled the weeks from the gourds and put the new miracle grow soil on them. Son kept asking me was I ok. I am whipped now but with a feeling of such satisfaction that I accomplished that. Now, son could have done it in fifteen minutes and it took me an hour and a half..but you know what…I did it!!  I sat out there with my oxygen backpack on and my sunblock and I slowly pulled the weeds and took a plastic measuring cup and poured cups and cups around those plants. Will I pay for it?  Oh yes and it will take me days again to get over it but I felt like I used to when I did all this gardening stuff myself..just for a few minutes. Nothing can beat that feeling.

And with a smile with tears in my eyes, I can tell you that I will never…NEVER stop dreaming. I may have a journey different than many but it is my journey and if I can do what a did today..and feel that feeling of accomplishment..just for a little while…then I have filled one dream.

You Got That Right!! :)

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The Yardsticks Of Life

“Our lives are not measured by birthdays but by the events that fall between them”

Birthdays seem to be fun when we are little and then as people get older they do not want to celebrate signs to them that they are aging. I love birthdays…even now…for they mean I made it another year in spite of my health. And I have another year of memories in my memory banks that sustain me when I am feeling the worst.

Birthdays do not mean as much as we tend to think they do. They are not the true milestones. It is the event between each birthday that are the milestones. From the time we are born…all the milestones the first 12 months include things like more hair, new teeth, learning new skills, crawling, walking….lots of events to remember. Each year between birthdays are more and more events. Until we have a life time of them.

One of the things I did when my sons were born was I started them each a diary. I started each post “my dear son”  and I told them of their growing up, of things that made me laugh that they did, of special things they accomplished and all about their growing up. Going back and reading it was amazing after they go grown.  I have a granddaughter now and this diary thing is great for grandparents and grandchildren. It leaves them memories and records all those events between the birthdays.

I always have said you know how fast time goes when you have children. I think having grandchildren is no different.What I do know is I would not have missed a minute of all the things with my sons and with my granddaughter. And I do not want to miss any of the ones coming up. My memory bank stays full with joyous memories.

Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.
Democritus

Someone asked me did I still dream. My reply was that of course I do. I dream of more years and more memories to fill my heart and head. I dream of peace on earth and love abound. I dream of seeing my granddaughter one day have children of her own. I dream of walking in my mountains unrestrained. I dream. I dream of quiet streams and the sounds of nature. I dream of good lives for my sons and granddaughter. I dream of a world where there is no pain.  Oh yes, I dream. I dream for me and I dream for  you.

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats

It Is All In How You Look At It

I believe that we make our own happiness. Life does not always give us what we want and when it does not, then it is all in how we look at it as to how happy we are.  Some people see only the negative. Son and I always find something good in things and that always brings us joy and a smile on our faces.

Son and I wanted 35 to 40 acres of land and a small house on it.  It was not to be. That does not mean we do not love where we are now, for we do. Yes, the dream is always there in the back of our hearts. But, we love our home here and the extra-large yard with it.

The back yard is two levels and the lower level is where we hope to have the shop for son to work in. He is putting a better fence across the upper level right along the rocks to keep Jack up towards the house. And where he is putting the gate, he took two four by four posts for the gate posts and across the tops of those posts, he has a third one. Sort of like you would see the entrance to the ranches with the name on the top board.  It is made like this below, only this picture is made of metal posts and son is making his out of four by fours.

image from science20.com

We may not have the forty acres but son has made his entrance to the ranch and sat all afternoon burning into the top post the words  “The Back Forty”.  It is all in how you look at it. This is our back forty for now.   And watching son have so much fun fixing the entrance posts made me smile. It is all in how you look at it.  We could be sad and moan and groan that we did not get what we wanted but instead, we are making our own back forty.  Who says it has to be acres.   Now, when son is going to the shed in the lower level, he tells me he is going to the back forty.

Son patiently burning the name on the four by four.

The final product.

 And Jack, who is not perky today laid inside the side door watching son the whole time he was working.

That back screen door that opens in…is another example of how you look at things. The back door opening out was a pain and instead of moaning and groaning about it, we designed a way to put a screen door on so that we could enjoy having the door open and the air blowing in. We built it where the screen door opened inside and son did a super job. And boy have we enjoyed that door.

Son and I get the most joy out of the simple things. We enjoy jig saw puzzles and so we have a table set up in the living room where we each go and work on the puzzle and sometimes we work at the same time on it.  I can remember people I know that would get irritated at seeing the table set up in the living room all the time but to us…it says family and doing family things. It is all in how you look at it.

And last, as I was laying here resting…I saw misty, our bird, over there singing to the radio and tried to take her picture. She is another one that is all in how you look at it. To her, that is company that old radio. To us, it is just a blaring circle of red that plays her favorite thing…baseball games.

The Joys In Simple Things

I think that I am enjoying watching the joy son has with his first garden almost as much as I enjoyed gardening when I could still do it.  I love watching him after he has gone out to check the garden and when he comes back in all excited telling me about what has come up. Waiting on seeds to sprout is a patience teaching thing. He was sure nothing was going to come up. LOL

Yesterday, he came in all excited telling me that the corn had “broken ground”.  He knows that some days I am not able to even go out on the patio and so he takes my camera and brings me pictures of what is going on outside. He is always so conscious of trying to make sure that I am involved in things. I always got the biggest kick out of  him when we lived in that big house on the other side of the mountain. He lived in  the basement which was remodeled and I got to the point I could not go down those stairs, even sitting on the steps and going down slowly. So, when he did things downstairs, he would take pictures and come back and show me what he had done. I loved it.

Anyway, there is nothing like the simple life. Son is growing the garden and veggies are coming up. This has to be the worst ever soil. Next year we are making beds and having topsoil hauled in to give us the good soil we need. Son hopes to make a greenhouse. But, for now, we are just doing with what we have and hoping we get some veggies from it. Last year we had squash all summer and tomatoes, so we are excited. Colorado has a later growing period than back east so we were used to planting early and here it is June.

Son’s veggies breaking ground

Son also made his first bread with me just watching. And he did a super fantastic job. It is my old recipe and the easiest bread recipe ever, especially doing by hand. I do not use a bread machine.

Son made the small loaf so that he could use it as hamburger buns. Of course, we had to sample.

What a beautiful loaf he made. I was so proud of him.

Love the texture inside too. This is the smaller loaf

OH YUM  and real butter

What more can I say. Life is beautiful. And life is what we make it.