Simply danLrene's Opinion

Work Your Dream

I’ve Come A Long Way Baby

As I looked back and take stock of changes in my life, it dawned on me all the healing that I have done over the past few years.  These were changes that I was working on but until recently did not realize that I had achieved my goals.

fear

image from https://www.facebook.com/OttosPositiveSayings

I always slept with lights on and with my bed where I could see out the door. My son would probably tell you that he learned that the hard way one day after he started taking care of me a few years back. He went around behind me turning off ALL the lights one night and it was not until he heard me saying “no …no…stop”  that he realized that I left those lights on for a reason.

And now, it does not matter if my bed faces the door so I can see out or if a lot of lights are left on….healing and conquering of fears.  I do leave small night lights so that I can at least see so I will not run into things but for a different reason. I can not balance in the dark. Whatever makes a person’s brain work in the balance department does not work in mine and so I balance by what I see. If I find that the door appears to be tilted, unconsciously I straighten myself up. But, the house does not look like a 24 hour motel at night. There are very small nightlights giving just enough light to outline the furniture.

I have always had a VERY big dog because I felt safer. I was a divorced mother raising two sons and not fond of weapons. So, I got my weapon in 100 pound dogs.  I never felt quite safe in any house I lived in and so I always got a big dog because I figured the dog would keep any intruders away. Instead of dealing with my fears, I simply got something that made me feel safer….a big dog.

And now, we are getting a small chihuahua dog. Quite a change, huh.  The reason I am getting a small dog is that  I feel safe and comfortable in this house. Some would say it is because my son is here, but my son has taken care of me for quite a few years in different houses and this is the first time I wanted a small dog and the first time I was in a home that I felt safe and content in even if son was gone…..healing and conquering of fears.

I used to be afraid to tell people “no” or to stand up for myself and now I do both. Why?   I was afraid people would not like me if I did either one. Now, I realize that if someone does not like me for standing up for what is right or because I tell them no when they want me to do something…then the only reason they would be liking me was if I did what they wanted and never complained. And I wanted people to see me and like the me inside not how easily manipulated I was.

Why am I talking about this?  I am talking about it because we all have those fears that keep us from living life to the fullest. We all have those fears of rejection, of being harmed, of intimidation, of showing who we really are and the list goes on. And it is possible to conquer them if we work on them. I learned to not fear the dark by sitting on the counter in my bathroom with the door shut and my hand on the switch. I would turn the light off and see how long I could stay in the dark. The first time was about two seconds….long enough to switch the light off and then right back on. And the first time Jack touched my leg with his nose in the dark, I screamed blood murder scaring both him and me and my son who was outside the door.

I learned to stand up for myself by practicing in the mirror and then just doing it and seeing what happened. Did any people decide they did not want to be around me?  Yes, in fact a few did. But the ones that really mattered respected me for standing up for what was right and respect means a lot to me.  The same with learning to say no. I practiced in front of the mirror saying No and even had others listen to me saying no to questions they would practice ask me. I started off sounding like I was asking permission and then learned how to say it without sounding like a bitch but with enough firmness that they knew I meant it.

When things like fear keep us from enjoying life and doing things, then it is time to work on the fear and understand why we feel it and work to get past it.  I look back now and am so proud of how far I have come. It was hard work and sometimes I felt like things would never change. And when I quit thinking about it, suddenly here I am…getting a small dog and looking forward to life and not looking backward at all I feared.

want it

image from deafmomworld.com

 

February 12, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Soar on dear one… soar on, you’ve come a long way, and now YOU soar… bravo! with love

    Comment by SHERRY E SHOWALTER | February 13, 2013 | Reply


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