The Rubber Meets The Road
It is 5AM and I am finally sitting here on the edge of the bed after a horrible episode of the searing pain on the inside of my thigh….the side the RFA was done on to burn the nerve that causes this pain. My doctor expressed his concern over the thinning of my bones and my spine while he was doing the Radio Frequency Ablation this past week. And now, I am sitting here working to make a choice.
The choice is, do I let the RFA and burning the nerve not stopping the searing nerve pain that I get down my back and on the inside of my thigh or do I find within me the courage and strength to keep fighting. And let me tell you, I have sciatic nerve pain down the back of my legs and that is horrible.But, this nerve pain on such a tender area as the inside of your thigh and down to your knee…is horrific and forces me to my feet to try to balance on my forearm crutches to try to get the spine to release the pressure on the nerve.So, you can imagine the devastation I felt this morning when the pain hit with such a force and woke me feeling like I had been thrown in hell and was trying to find my way out and the realization hit that the RFA did not work this time. And so decision time is:
After I was able to sit on the edge of the bed and the meds were beginning to kick in and I could catch my breath, I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking “what will I do now? this was my last hope for this horrific pain” and felt despair rising up in my heart and throat. I deal daily and handle the muscle pain and the joint pain and even the neuropathy pain in my feet and legs and hands but this is one pain that is so over the top, the Radio Frequency Ablation was my only hope. And here I sit and it did not work. And I have to figure out how to keep going.
And I have to be authentic to what I tell others. Right now I am at my lowest but I also know that how I proceed is my choice. I can lay in it and wallow and whine and complain to everyone and anyone that will listen all day long every day or I can choose to keep fighting, to hang on and endure through the tears and the extreme pain when it happens and know that I will come out on the other side. It is all about choosing.
I can not sit here and be hollow words and try to inspire others to be courageous and to keep fighting when I do not do it myself. People know the difference and if I am not authentic….if I am not true to what I say then I am not going to inspire others to keep fighting and keep going. I am not going to motivate anyone to keep working and not give up. And it is important to me for people to see that I do what I tell others to do. I am true to what I say. I do not want to be someone who comes off as a “do what I say, not what I do” person and speak hollow words that will fall on deaf ears after a while.
And so, now I am picking myself up, dealing with the terror I now have of going to sleep for that is when the horrific pain happens the most, and with the struggle to find the strength to keep fighting. But, you know what…I WILL find the strength I need and I WILL keep going because I CHOOSE to. And today I will choose to find the good things in my life and choose to find joy and happiness in spite of what just happened.
image from www.damyhealth.com
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