Thinly Veiled Tears Day
Today is one of those days where I feel the tears at the back of my eyes. They are not tears of sadness or sorrow but a physical reaction to so much pain. And they are tears of embracing life and realizing that each moment is precious. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing and I want to make the most of each minute.
It is times like this when the health/physical tries to beat its way into the forefront and steal all of my joy and I refuse to let that happen. And so I narrow my scope and I rest my body and mind. I focus on the beauty around me, on those who are so good to me, on the blessings I still have in my life. It is a deliberate choice and I have made these choices for years as my health deteriorated.
Thinly veiled tears come when I am looking around at my one room world, looking out the door and watching and seeing my son and daisy as son fixes food, thinking about my Sweetpea and son back east, reliving the conversations with friends and family. And reaffirming that when you can count your life left in months (for example, ten years equals 120 months), focusing on the good in life and not letting the negative intrude is a ground rule I have to keep.
I find myself shutting off all the negativity on television, watching old movies where values were still in place, reading what lifts me up and skipping what brings me down and being in control of what is in my life …the things I can still control…and trying to just push to the background the negative and painful. Yes, my pain is really bad but if I hold on to the positive hard enough, it can shadow the pain so that it is pushed back a little.
It is a time where I have to remember that no matter how others act, no matter if you are pushed down the list of importance or people seem to not care…that it is up to me to keep my happiness going. It is not an easy job but it is a job everyone can do. We all do what is most important to us and right now survival is most important to me. Others will find other things more important than me and I accept that for just as I am narrowing my world down to endure this right now, others are narrowing theirs down and moving me away to avoid feeling my pain. Perhaps their pain is too much for them to feel mine. I can not base my life on what others do right now if I want to make it.
So, when you find life extremely hard and you feel the thinly veiled tears in the back of your eyes and feel like you can not take any more. Hold close to your heart all the things that are good. You may have to look hard but you will find them. And use those good things like a hydraulic lift to pull you up and help you face the day. Yes, I do know that it gets lonely and so if it helps, just know that I care deeply for you all and pray that life covers you with rose petal blessings and loving people to help you endure your hard times in this journey called life.
Just remember…life can change in a moment…second and this tough time can ease up. Hold on to that hope.
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and the tears will fade and the sun come out and you will once again see that it is a beautiful world.
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