Why Do I not….
I was asked by a couple of people this past week why I do not spend a lot of time talking about what is wrong with me…all my health issues, pains, disabilities, etc. And so I thought I would do it in my blog so that if others are wondering, they will know too.
I do acknowledge my health issues to a certain degree and when things are really heated up like surgery or the bad cellulitis infection…I will talk about it some but I decided one day that the reason I did not want to focus only on my health all the time is that I do not want to leave this world and the only thing my sons, my grand baby, my friends and loved ones remember of me is me talking about how bad I feel, how sick I am, how much pain I am in, etc. I wanted them to remember me and not all my complaining, moaning or groaning about something I can not change…my health issues.
This is why I worked so hard to teach son about gardening, never dreaming he would love it as much as me. That just filled my heart. And the same was true about baking bread and doing the family recipes. And he remembers time with me doing both of those things and I know when I am gone…whenever he makes his garden or bakes bread…he will be seeing me doing it with him and smiling. I want my grand baby to remember me cheering her on even from my house in this bed when she rode in the rodeo or her seeing me succeed in standing up or sitting up in my chair and talking with her. I want her to remember her Mimi and all the love I poured out on her not remember me as some sick woman who was always talking about sickness all the time.
I have said this before but will say it again. I am Deb. I am not all my disabilities or chronic illnesses or auto immune disorders. They are what I have. I am quirky Deb who loves to laugh, who is very tender-hearted, cries both happy tears and sad ones, who loves doing for others, who likes to take photographs, draw, paint, write, and most of all ….loves giving of my love to others. That is what I want my children, grandchild, family and loved ones to have as memories of me. I do not want them to remember that I was always complaining of this or that about my health all the time.
And so, one day I decided that I was going to focus on living, on laughing, on finding joy and happiness in each day, on CHOOSING to be happy and CHOOSING to see the good in each day and thereby transferring that good on to my sons and grand baby and my loved ones. That way, when the day comes that I am gone…when they sit and think of me…they will smile and remember something good and see me smiling at them in their inner thoughts.
This is not diminishing what is wrong with me. It is choosing to see the good things and making a conscious choice that will affect and does affect everyone around me. I know all that is wrong with me. My children, family and loved ones do too. If they choose to accept it, then fine and if they do not..that is fine also. It is in a sense my way of leaving a positive legacy of happy memories.
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