People think I am this smiling Pollyanna person but the truth is, I am just like everyone else and I feel sadness and pain. I just choose to look for the happy and the good. I choose to make my life as filled with joy as I can and to not let the sickness and pain bring me down. This morning is a great example. I woke up and for the first time since I was put in a hospital bed…over six years ago….I rolled out of the bathroom and stopped and just sat there looking. What I saw was a room that looked like a hospital room and that stunned me for this is my safe haven….this is my one room world. I have never seen my room as a hospital room or nursing home room. I have always seen the joy and love that so many have sent me in gifts that are around my room from pictures to wall hangings to soft fleecy blankets….just gifts of love.
I sat there in my chair just looking around and felt like someone had come in and changed my room. See, I make a conscious choice every day to not see all the medical equipment..the oxygen tanks, the hospital bed, the oxygen hoses, the concentrator, the forearm crutches, the box of so many bottles of pills, the nebulizer machine, the power chair, the draped light to keep the lamp by my bed from triggering my pain, the big bulletin board with a desktop size calendar that has on it all the doctor appointments written in bold marker, the shelf over my monitor with boxes of medicine, syringes and other medical stuff….all of the things that make this like a hospital room/nursing home.
I sat there in silence for a few minutes, feeling the tears well up behind my eyes and my heart sank. I felt like I had fallen into a bad movie. But that part of me that learned a long time ago that what I see in life is my choice finally kicked in and I realized I needed to have a MOJO adjustment and needed to change my focus and direct my lens of life to happier things. It is my ability to look past all the medical stuff and see the beauty in my room and the love around me that has kept me going.
I knew at that moment I had to choose…yes, choose. I had to choose whether to crawl into my hospital bed and lay here feeling sorry for myself OR to choose to readjust my lens and find the beauty in my room again….the beauty in my one room world. So, I started redirecting my eyes to things around my room like the beautiful stained glass light on my ceiling with all the glass mobiles given to me to look at when I am hurting. Each one has a distinct memory.
As my eyes moved around the room, I saw on my TV up on the wall, the Wonder Woman stuffed doll that a friend sent me because she said it reminded her of my MOJO headband. And then I saw the Native American Pictures my son hung up on the wall by my bed and the Angel doll that my Sweetpea and I have alike. I found myself looking above the crutches hanging on the wall or the oxygen tanks or bulletin board to those things that lift me and not pull me down. The beautiful wooden mobiles that make a deep sound when my fan hits them, the two Reborn dolls that were gifted me….one is especially dear as my sweet friend passed away this year that gave me my Hannah doll. I see an ice cream button framed picture and dream blocks and wall hangings…and I see and feel my Native American fleece covers that bring me such comfort on painful times. So many things in this room that make this my safe haven and NOT a hospital room.
Life is what we choose to make it. We can “Waller” in it as we say in the south or we can find the sunshine and crawl out of the pit. See, I am just as human as all of you. I am not stronger…I just choose to be strong. I am not someone who is a Pollyanna and smiles all the time. I am just someone who chooses to smile and be happy. It is all choice. I have people tell me..that they see the pain in my eyes bu I am smiling and I know that it is because I choose to. …plain and simple. I choose to be happy and find joy.
I want to use all the minutes , days and months I have left being happy and not waste them feeling sad or complaining. It IS a choice and it is a choice that makes us be accountable for ourselves. It is up to us to find our happiness not someone else do it for us.We have the choice of finding the good in each day and that choice means taking action.
Remember…survivors look for and focus on solutions. Victims focus on the problem. Complaining about what you can not change or what you choose to not change is like spinning your car tires in sand….you go no where. When you are unhappy, sad, feeling down…then change the focus of what you are seeing and turn it on something good…focus on something besides feeling bad…so that you lift yourself up. And that something can be your children, your loved ones, your pet, a movie, a book, artwork….anything that makes you feel good inside.
I find I am most joyous when I reach out to help someone else. And I can hear some of you saying “but I do not feel well enough to help someone else”. I lay here on this bed and do things to help others. It may be looking on the internet for them, it may be listening to them, it may be finding them something they really want and sharing it like books I have sent out to many people. That is when I find the most joy for then I am not focusing on all my problems but focusing on someone else. I then have changed my direction and focused on something good. Wishing you all a new day with a new lens and much joy and happiness. And remember…if you can not change it, then work on something you can change.
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