Life Is All About Choices
More questions answered with the same understanding. This is about me and no one else. If you read into my posts that it is about you…then you need to ask yourself why you feel that way for it was only about me.
I have people ask me Why I keep smiling?…Why do I seem so happy?….Why do I make myself get up even if it is just sitting in my power chair?….Why I do not just give in to the hospital bed and stay there? The answer is because it is a choice and I choose to do these things. Happiness is our choice and looking for positive and good things is our choice.
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But more importantly, I might feel like dirt warmed over right now with treatment but I am going to feel sick and exhausted no matter if I lay in the bed moaning and groaning which I could easily do or if I sit in my chair in the kitchen with son. Believe me the temptation is strong to just lay there. But, I sit up in my power chair with a pillow behind my head and go out into the kitchen with son while he is cooking just to be with him. I push myself to go to church with son on some Sundays because I enjoying seeing my church family when I can and just being there. Am I still sick and exhausted? Oh yeah, I am.
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So, why do I push myself to do these things? Well, the first answer is because it is a choice but the second answer is that I am going to feel sick and exhausted whether I lay in my hospital bed or I get up in my power chair or I go to church on Sunday sitting in my power chair with a blanket and pillow. So why not push myself a little bit more to be up and do something I really like?
I can not stay up all day and am working on building back up from what treatment is doing to me and the really bad infection I have in my stomach now that I am also being treated for with mega doses of antibiotics. So, I do spend a big part of time in the bed but I have learned that the longer I just lay here, the weaker I get. We start losing muscle after just a day or two of doing nothing but laying in bed and the longer we do not get up, the more we lose.
My godfather used to tell me all the time that when waters do not move, they stagnate. This does not mean you have to get out and run a marathon but it means that we should keep moving every day in some form or we stagnate and we go no where. Life is one continuous journey and I do not want to spend it all in one place. I want to be able to see more than my one room world and so I push myself hard to sit up even when I am sick and dragging. And you know what. It works. I do it in sections. I wake up feeling fairly decent and I sit up for a while in my chair. Then after a while I feel myself getting really weak and I lay back down for an hour or so and then I try again.
The elusive happiness I hear so many talk about is not elusive at all. It is our choice to be happy. We hold the key. Happiness is not a destination. It is how we travel and the choice is ours. I personally believe that if I am going down for good, it will not be without a fight. It will not be with me just giving in to all that is wrong with me physically. I face each day with happiness in my heart and with determination to make the most of my day and spend as much time as I can with my son here or talking to my Sweetpea and my other son. I am a mother through and through and want them to remember the courageous and happy me and not the sick, exhausted and depressed me.
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