“What If You Do Not ….”
I have always believed that if you had just one person that truly loved you and believed in you and was your real friend, you were lucky. Then I was asked recently ‘What if you do not have that one person?’…and I cried. I cried for past hurts, for all those people who live lonely lives just wanting that one close friend, for the home bound and for those that have been used and hurt and afraid to trust again.
Many people in the world are alone and lonely and just want a friend but are home bound due to disability, old age, etc. . And thanks to the internet, people can talk and meet others if they have a computer. Unfortunately, you never really know people when you meet them online until they “show” you and for the home bound this can be a treacherous road. You can open up and trust and then find out the person you thought really cared did not. But the same is true in real life…we never really know people until they “show” us their true colors. And so I had no answer to that question “What if you did not have that one person?”. I just have suggestions to help along the way.
What I do know is that we have to judge this by how people treat us. Real friends do not deliberately hurt you, do not play games with you, do not use you, do not talk about you with others behind your back, do not abandon you on and off depending on what they feel or who is new in their life, do not use you for their needs, and real friends really care about what is happening to you…good bad or ugly.
So, we have to look at how we are being treated; Has it changed? Has it always been this way? Do I feel good being around them? When we talk, is it meaningful or just trivial? Am I giving more emotionally than is being given? Does the other person try to relegate us to a new place in their lives or push us away? Love and friendship should be something that make us both happy and if it is not, then it is time to move on. That sounds harsh but one of the things that took me years to learn was:
image from shareinspirequotes.blogspot.com
If you are trying so hard that it wears you out to be a friend to someone, then stop. Having a dear friend should not be that much work. It should flow. Yes, there will be times you argue or fuss as in all relationships. But, for the most part, friendship especially a dear friendship should just flow and we accept each other where we are at. Yes, there is work involved but if it becomes all work then something is wrong. Just remember that the flip side is you must be the good friend too and be there for the person.
I had a friend named Audrey who died of cancer about over ten years ago. We talked daily for several years on the phone, on messenger and texted, and yet we had never met in person but I would have bet my money that Audrey would have been there if I needed her as I was for her during all her rough times. And she was. She carried me by phone to so many things such as Las Vegas with her husband and family to hear Celine Dion sing, to the doctor, on vacation, etc.To her I was family and it did not matter who was around.
Many think real friendships can not be forged by messenger or phone or only meeting once but they can. I only met Audrey in person two weeks before she died. Her children flew me out there as that was her mother’s deepest desire..to meet me in person. I carry Audrey in my heart daily since her death and miss her terribly. When we talked…she really cared about what I thought, how I was feeling, and wanted to hear how my day was. And I did her. If I cried over something she would say “Want me to come whup their arse?” and I would laugh. Which was her intent. We all need that one person willing to fight for us when we can not.
How to answer that question “what if I do not have one?”. All I can say is first, be your own friend for people will always let you down even dear friends. Learn to support and love yourself for then you will not be disappointed by another. Second, get to know people even if online for you can forge wonderful friendships if both parties want. But, this comes with a warning. It takes months and some- times years to know if a person is real and is authentic.And be the kind of friend to a person that you want them to be to you. If they are not, then that is a good indication that this is one of those casual friends and not the close friend you are wanting.
Time tells you if they are who they say they are. It takes time to know if the person really cares about you and if it will last. Some people change friends like they change underwear and are never going to be that real friend you look for. So start friendships online with caution and give them time… LOTS of time to see if they are real. There are close friends, there are casual friends and there are acquaintances and it is important to know the difference. That does not mean you can not talk to those who are not that special close friend. It just means we need to recognize the difference so that we do not open ourselves up to hurt.
And last, try adopting a pet. My Daisy is the best friend I could ever have. She loves me unconditionally even when I am not so lovable. She accepts me as I am, always greets me with her doggie smile and does not leave me. I trust her with all my secrets, am not afraid to tell her if I am having a bad day or hurting, do not worry if I am taking too much time or not being good enough, etc. With a pet you will get all the snuggles and love in the world that we all need to feel loved. And with a pet, you never feel alone for they are there all the time and just want you to love them. And this is really good for someone home bound. And oh the joy of giving love so someone who loves you so much…for me that is the most beautiful part. We can love her unconditionally. Pets just want to be loved like we do.
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