Behave Yourself To Personal Success
I love this title but I can not take credit for it. I heard it on Dr. Phil a good while back only it was “behave your way to success”. I changed it a little. The meaning behind it is part of learning to have behaviors that helps a person be in control of their life instead of using others to give us that self-soothing validation we crave.
image from theabilitytolove.wordpress.com
People can fall into the trap of depending on others for what they are capable of doing for themselves. They look to others to validate that they are good, that they look good, that they are talented or smart, etc and when others do not give that validation, the person feels like they are failing at these things and more. If we are continuously asking others to tell us if we are good, if we look good, acted right, made them proud, we are using behaviors that are keeping us from being the drivers of our own life bus.
I think a lot of this stems from childhood for children are always trying to make their parents proud of them. They never learn to be proud of themselves or to validate themselves. I find that too often today parents heap praise unnecessarily on children because they think they are encouraging them to do good. The problem is that these children soon learn to expect all of that praise and can not function without it. They never learn how to soothe themselves when insecurities pop up or when they do not win something, etc so they turn to others to do it for them. And when we do that, we are giving power to others. We are giving power in our lives that we should be using ourselves.
It is like the teachers who give every child a ribbon on field day because they do not want any children to be upset that they did not win. First off, the teacher has invalidated the children who were the true winners. It is a fact that we will lose at things in life and if we never learn to deal with it, if someone always gives us the ribbon so our feelings will not be hurt, then we will never learn to validate ourselves or to accept when we fail. If they do not know what failure is, they will never try harder to win the next time.
Sometimes, when people are upset, they rush around trying to find someone to talk to because they never learned to reason for themselves. I have seen people get so hysterical and call ten different people trying to find someone at home so that they could rant about what is upsetting them. Instead of being able to look at what happened and decide for themselves if they were right or wrong, they search for that enabler to do it for them. And if they can find no one, they become so emotional that they can not function. I have learned that when something bad happens, I sit down and write down the bad and then I start thinking of solutions to help. And usually by the time I end up making my lists I have calmed down enough to sit and rationalize what to do next.
So, what does behave your way to personal success mean? It means learning behaviors that help you to be in charge of your life and that help you self-sooth and affirm to yourself that you are good. Do these behaviors mean we will never make mistakes or do anything wrong? Of course they do not. It means when we have a really bad day or situation, we learn how to come away from it and try to find something positive from it first. What good things happened in the bad? And after we do that, then we can pick one or two things that maybe we need to work on to help us do better next time. We do not need someone to tell us we did good or that we did bad. We really already know in our heart of hearts. We have eyes to see, ears to hear and a brain that tells us but we have given that power to someone else when we allow someone else to be our approval for whatever it is we are doing.
It goes back to that choice thing I talk about so much. We can choose to let others validate us and tell us whether we are smart, pretty, talented, good, successful, look nice or we can learn to tell ourselves that we are doing a good job or we need to work on this or that. And, even the most negative person can do this. You look in the mirror and you hate what you see then look for at least one good thing that you do see. It may be that your eyes look good or that your hair is neatly combed, or that your shirt is clean. We can not let everything be a negative. And then confirm that good point. Tell yourself that your eyes look good or your shirt looks good. Reaffirm the good and then if there are negatives, name one or two that you want to work on for the next time.
I think this is where I get the mojo that I talk about and why I keep smiling in spite of all I go through because I choose to find something good in my life. Do I make mistakes. Oh my yes, I do but I have learned to tell my self “Oh, that was not good.” I have learned that just because I do something wrong or fail at something it is not the end of the world. I can pick up and go again. I can look at the situation and figure out where things went wrong and work to correct it for the next time. It is learning to separate the forest and look for the trees. After a while, the trees will start to jump out at you and you begin to see more good things in life.
I remember my sons when little would tell me “I can’t do this” and after talking to them for a few minutes and asking them what part they could do, they were able to pick out things that they could do and then name the things they needed help with that they needed to work on. We as adults (and children) can learn to think about what we can do or what we need to work on and not all the things we can not or do not do right. This is learning new behaviors that help us be in control of our lives instead of depending on someone to always be there to confirm that we are good or right. So, this year, I for one am going to behave my way to personal success. How about you?
1 Comment »