What do you fear the most?

“I am fighting to stay alive not because I fear death but because I love life”

cancer SURVIVOR Edie Sundby

People ask me all the time why I refuse to give up and why I fight so hard and I read this quote yesterday and thought that says it all. I fight so hard to keep going because I love life and I do not fear dying.  Is every minute of every day a good time?  No, it is not.  In fact some moments are extremely hard and painful like today is. And even though I am smiling today, the pain is clear in my eyes and the struggle is showing with dark circles under my eyes.  Many people fail to see how sick I am and how much pain I am in right now because of that smile. My sons know because they recognize the signs that say I am fighting harder than ever.

But, I have such great moments when I have good ones that they overshadow the really bad times.  Times like watching with great pride while my son makes homemade bread all on his own or talking to a dear friend on messenger or calling Mama (my aunt) and talking to her or getting a picture of my Sweetpea and her daddy.


When I look back through my life, I ask myself would I change anything?  Oh my yes, I would and I think most people would. I would love more, laugh more often, forgive easier, and know who truly cared about me. I would have tried to be an even better parent to my boys but I do know because they tell me that most of all they know they were loved.

There are also wonderful memories over my lifetime that sustain me and bring me smiles and help ease the pain I live in and that is why I fight so hard and refuse to give up.  And I believe God has kept me here for a reason. I also believe that my attitude  (my mojo) that comes from my faith is what has kept me here smiling. Everyone has a Mojo song that when they listen to it, it runs through their system and makes them want to get up. This is mine.

video by Taichi Mori

I fight so hard and refuse to give up because I love life that much, I love my family that much, I love my family of choice so much…..and I know where I will be when I die and so I am not afraid of dying. I prefer living to dying.

Just know that I am always this inside no matter which way I am feeling. I am always Mojo Mama.  I am always fighting to win the race. I always have my mojo on like the picture below whether I am laying flat on my back in serious pain like now with my back, or having a “blue bag” day from sick stomach, or whether it is an exhaustion day where I just can not get up. The difference in survivors and victims is that survivors focus on solutions and ways to make life a little easier and victims focus only on the problems and why they can not do anything to help themselves. It is a choice and I choose to be a survivor and choose to fight to keep living life. Being a survivor does not mean we never get down. It means we do not stay there.

We can not always control what happens to us but we CAN control how we deal with it.