What do you fear the most?

“I am fighting to stay alive not because I fear death but because I love life”

cancer SURVIVOR Edie Sundby

People ask me all the time why I refuse to give up and why I fight so hard and I read this quote yesterday and thought that says it all. I fight so hard to keep going because I love life and I do not fear dying.  Is every minute of every day a good time?  No, it is not.  In fact some moments are extremely hard and painful like today is. And even though I am smiling today, the pain is clear in my eyes and the struggle is showing with dark circles under my eyes.  Many people fail to see how sick I am and how much pain I am in right now because of that smile. My sons know because they recognize the signs that say I am fighting harder than ever.

But, I have such great moments when I have good ones that they overshadow the really bad times.  Times like watching with great pride while my son makes homemade bread all on his own or talking to a dear friend on messenger or calling Mama (my aunt) and talking to her or getting a picture of my Sweetpea and her daddy.

Life-is-not-a-matter-of-mile-Quotes-about-life

When I look back through my life, I ask myself would I change anything?  Oh my yes, I would and I think most people would. I would love more, laugh more often, forgive easier, and know who truly cared about me. I would have tried to be an even better parent to my boys but I do know because they tell me that most of all they know they were loved.

There are also wonderful memories over my lifetime that sustain me and bring me smiles and help ease the pain I live in and that is why I fight so hard and refuse to give up.  And I believe God has kept me here for a reason. I also believe that my attitude  (my mojo) that comes from my faith is what has kept me here smiling. Everyone has a Mojo song that when they listen to it, it runs through their system and makes them want to get up. This is mine.

video by Taichi Mori

I fight so hard and refuse to give up because I love life that much, I love my family that much, I love my family of choice so much…..and I know where I will be when I die and so I am not afraid of dying. I prefer living to dying.

Just know that I am always this inside no matter which way I am feeling. I am always Mojo Mama.  I am always fighting to win the race. I always have my mojo on like the picture below whether I am laying flat on my back in serious pain like now with my back, or having a “blue bag” day from sick stomach, or whether it is an exhaustion day where I just can not get up. The difference in survivors and victims is that survivors focus on solutions and ways to make life a little easier and victims focus only on the problems and why they can not do anything to help themselves. It is a choice and I choose to be a survivor and choose to fight to keep living life. Being a survivor does not mean we never get down. It means we do not stay there.

We can not always control what happens to us but we CAN control how we deal with it.

Crimson Tides and Autumn Leaves

CRIMSON TIDES AND AUTUMN LEAVES

The seasons change and minutes tick by

Living life until the day we die

Crimson tides and autumn leaves

Minutes falling like droplets from a sieve

Grasping as hard as the hand will grip

Wanting to stop them as through the fingers they slip

The day comes when we hear each click

That sound of the closing hours leaving tick by tick

So many dreams of things we want to do

The list is long and the hours are few

Every bite is savored as if it is the last

Every scent devoured and every shadow cast

The crimson tides and the autumn leaves have a clock

And like us humans, all will hear the last tick tock

danLrene 2012

The Importance Of Forgiveness

I talk about forgiveness a lot in my writings and talking in person. So many people think forgiveness means that what the other person did is ok but it does not mean that. Forgiveness means you are releasing your heart of the hurt, the anger and other emotions so that you can go on to live your life in peace. We can forgive without the person who harmed us knowing.

Now, I believe that forgiveness is very important if someone comes and asks us to forgive them for whatever they did. It means they are truly sorry and it is important for them to move forward in a productive way. Unfortunately, some people hold on to that anger and want revenge on the person which is not ours to do. I am a person of faith and God repeatedly says:

Romans 12:19
Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord.”

Hebrews 10:30
For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge His people.”

2 Peter 2:3
In their greed, these false teachers will exploit you with tales they have concocted. The longstanding verdict against them remains in force, and their destruction does not sleep.

Leviticus 19:18
Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against any of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

I know from experience that when we forgive others a peace comes over us. I have forgiven when at one point I thought there was no way I could forgive. But I gave it all to God and forgave them. I have had people say things like “I want them to know I forgave them.”  and this makes me think they are doing it for the wrong reason. Once again it is a form of revenge to want to see their face when proclaiming I forgive you. Look how good I am.

Anger, wanting revenge and other emotions quickly turn into hate and hate is like drinking poison thinking you are killing the one you hate but you only kill your own soul. Just look at all the hate going on in the world and our country today. People are acting in ways that are hard to understand and ways that we never thought they would. And hate fuels that anger and that desire to seek revenge.

And lastly for me, I believe in forgiving and forgetting. I have heard people say “I will forgive but I will never forget what you did to me.” and that is carrying a grudge so your forgiveness will not bring the peace you need. God says in Hebrews 8:12  “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.”  So if God can forgive us and not remember the sins we committed against Him, then I believe we should be able to also.

Why So Many Labels?

First I want people to understand that this is just my opinion. It actually is a pet peeve of mine and has been for a few years. I believe that labels belong on soup cans and other items like that, not on people.

We have become a country and a world that now labels by gender, by age, by race, by political view, by religious affiliation, by size, by IQ, by sexual preference, by wealth or lack of, by education, by the area a person lives in such as rednecks in the south, hillbillies in the mountains, and the list goes on. In reality what these labels are for is to denigrate those people do not like and uplift those they are in favor of. It is a way of dividing the people and the country.

I have watched since the last Presidential election people who are unable to let go of their anger over losing that it has become extremely unhealthy for the people who are exploding and for those around them. As I have said many times, hate is like drinking poison and thinking you are killing the one you hate only a person really is killing their own soul.

Seldom do we see people just quietly talking. We see a lot of people reading their cell phones but to have a discussion just does not seem to happen. Have we lost the ability to talk anymore? Have we lost the ability to just listen to someone without thinking of what we want to say back to them? Have we lost all kindness and compassion? I keep praying that this comes back to our world. If someone disagrees does not mean you are wrong and they are right. Nor does it mean they are wrong and you are right. It simply means that you each have different opinions.

Little Mocs

Little Mocs
Somewhere in the distance, I hear the drums begin to play
Her feet are clad in moccasins, they seem to know the way
Her name is Little Mocs the Chief whispered in my ear
She has a healing gift for those that are far and near
As she dances round the fire singing the songs of old
I listened searching for the wisdom the old ones told
The smell of sage is in the air, carried in the wind
Sending out healing like the messages Little Moc’s send
The eagle hovers near her to bringer her keener sight
The red bird brings her messages in the morning light
Between two worlds Little Mocs walks, carrying the tales
And speaks with great emotion of heart breaking trails
Another great warrior guides her from the other side
This warrior raised her with wisdom, sent her out to ride
This warrior already knew the job Little Mocs would do
One of hard trails, tears, the wisdom her Granny knew
The fire is burning brightly as her mocs follow the beat
Dancing round the fire telling a story with her feet.

danLrene  2013

After The Dark, The Light Shines Through

Now, I will admit that it has been a rough few months but the past six weeks have been exciting to say the least. We have had wildfires, bad quality air from the smoke and ash, the monsoon hit and so we got hail, pouring rain and then came the flash floods. And of course with all that came the intermittent internet.  And yet we survived it all.

The good news is that it gave me time to work on my books. I am working on genealogy books for the family to be published on Amazon. I am also working on my faith book called “After Salvation…Then what?” that I will publish on Amazon. It is about my journey after finding Christ and having Him in my heart. It is about wanting that special close relationship but not knowing how to get it. But, if we lean on the Lord, it will come. I am also working on editing son’s book called “Beneath The Bramble Bush”  which is a take off of a true crime where we lived back east. I actually taught the murderer’s son in Kindergarten. As soon as I get it edited, son suggested I ask some of you on-line to read it and make suggestions.  On the right of my page here, you see my poetry book that I published last year. With my health issues, writing has become a major part of my life.

Slowly things are coming together since my fall in December of last year. My test on the blood thinner came up where it was supposed to so I got to stop the other blood thinner that I injected twice a day. Thank you Lord. I had the special cardiac test but no doctor has called me in the past three weeks saying I need to go to the cardiologist so I am taking that as my test was not too bad. I left it in God’s hands. And now I am waiting on the final tests to determine why I am anemic. I discovered I was when my blood thinner doc asked if I had any strange symptoms and I told him that I craved cold stuff like ice and Popsicles, etc. He told me to get my primary to test my iron as that is often a sign of anemia and he was right on target. I am anemic. And I am down to going to the doctor only once a week instead of two and three times a week for specialists to check me out. I have one procedure which is laser surgery on my right eye. Do not know if that is from the fall or just my eye acting up. So things are greatly improved.

And my son planted flowers outside my bedroom window, so when I wake up, I open my curtains and can watch the hummingbirds feed on all those beautiful flowers.

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Where Have I Been?

I live in Colorado and we have been in the midst of the fires here. Spring Fire which is the one affecting us is the third largest fire in Colorado’s History. Over 200 I think have lost homes and it has been a raging fire. I can not begin to tell you what it is like to pack up things and have them sitting at the door knowing you could be called by Code Red (the emergency phone line) telling you that you have two hours to evacuate. We decided that us and our dog Daisy being safe was the most important. The rest of stuff were possessions. We should have left a week ago as the air quality has been horrible here and the sky so dark but we have the house closed up and have learned that if we use water on our swamp cooler it keeps the smoke out. A day ago rain came in a down pour which helped a lot. Before the rain, the fire was only 5 percent contained. Now it is 55 percent contained. Thank you Lord.

I will be back writing soon. My computer is one of the things and all my info are very important as I am working on two more books and do not want to lose it. Please say a prayer for all those who have lost homes, all the firefighters and all of us being affected by the fire and all the poor animals fleeing that have been injured or lost their homes. Thanks and I will be back soon I hope.